I have not been able to get any major streaks going in a long time. I think part of the problem is I r”l feel a shaychus to the world of pornography. It’s weird because: you wouldn’t be able to tell my looking at me or speaking to me. I’m very makpid not be shayach to the secular world- haven’t watched tv (willingly) or movies since 12th grade, and haven’t listened to non Jewish music since then either. I try and make my ikker pleasure come from Torah and dibbuk chaveirim, in a healthy nice way. So why is the one thing I feel shayach to, connected to, pornography? Can anyone else relate?

This is a courageous question. I assume that you feel drawn to it beyond the mere rush of tayva and lusting. 
It may be wise to examine what was your initial exposure to porn. What has been your relationship with it, and what does it "do" for you. 
Thinking about these things, along will why you really want to stop, can open doors... 
Would probably be helpful to talk to one of the special mentors here who have a lot of experience helping special guys like you.  

It’s amazing to see such courage to come out and speak up. It’s hard to say what you’vesaid, that you avoided and were makpid against any small hashpa’ah from such goyish kite to the biggest.

It eventually penetrated seemingly through what you’re saying once you opened the hatch to see it, you “can’t get enough” and “feel” as though you are labeled as a shaychus to such triefus. 

I hear where you are coming from but as chaimogen said best to speak with the top ppl on here that know exactly.. but from my experience I felt the same to such strong feelings when I had the ability to watch and although I had my boundaries here and there, I had ways out. And just like that went back in.. over and over and over. To the point where I couldn’t see myself getting out of it and had just lost control Bec. Streaks always got broken.

so then overtime I built courage and spoke to some ppl here and guided myself to the exact point like you’re doing of what and how come these feeling I feel and do due to such tayvos, where it comes from and where it would lead to. I had no solution but I tried all sorts of ideas and eventually b”h my streaks got stronger and I continued to work on myself and as long as my consistency strength to want to grow no matter the failures that arose here and there, scratch that, every time I just peaked (almost once to five times a week) and failed and then I somehow grew past it with a lot of trial and error, most of the time bec. I myself was weak enough to truly go full force with the guidance I got. Once I discussed it only got better, one talk wasn’t enough for me and not two but eventually I’m happy of where I am now today.

So the answer to your question I think is to each there own. It is best to understand truly where it is rooted from just by getting a better understanding of yourself and what lead you to that, what makes you get triggered, are you in a faze of life that awakens the tayvos beyond (random questions.. but there can be many to think out for yourself)  

I don’t have the solution but if you speak it out with some detail like you are doing now you can forsure get full on success with hashem a help! 

good luck
bhatzlacha rabah 

Yitz18 wrote on 27 Jul 2023 21:22:

You seem to be a normal good person - going in the right direction. 

Viewing pornography can hijack the brain, causing it to become overstimulated. As a result, the brain is flooded with an unnaturally high level of pleasurable chemicals for as long as you are watching. This is because porn exposes the brain to more pritzus in a few minutes than our ancestors could have seen in several lifetimes. This makes pornography a supernormal stimulus.
Whenever you feel an urge, the brain releases a chemical called dopamine. This is called a “dopamine burst”, and creates feelings of anticipation and excitement increasing the motivation to engage in pornography and masturbation. Fortunately, our brains are designed to handle urges, and we do this all the time whenever acting on an urge is not an option. This can include everything from craving a non-Kosher treat to having a sexual urge. After all, sexual desire is designed to be expressed in the right relationship, at the right time, and in the right place causing you to constantly manage and suppress your urges - or at least most of them.
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ראה דרשות בית הלוי דרוש י"ג, "הבעל תשובה צריך לעקור מלבו ומטבעו אותו ההמשכה לרע שחידש בעצמו במעשיו. ויהיה כמו שהיה מקודם, וכמו שאמר הכתוב "חדש ימינו כקדם". וזה שאנו רואים שכמה פעמים מתחרט על מעשיו ובעוד איזה ימים חוזר למעשיו הראשונים, זהו סימן שלא נעקר מלבו אותו ההמשכה להרע, רק על זמן מועט נתחזק על טבעו, והתאפק מבלי לעשות הרע, ומכל מקום עדיין לא נעקר מלבו התשוקה, ומשום הכי נכשל בה שנית" עכ"ל. הספר אינו תח"י אבל הוא מובא בוהתקדשתם ח"ב עמ' נג, ובכתר מלוכה - מערכי לב עמ' טז. רק מש"כ שם דאם אינו חוטא שלושים יום הוי ראיה שנעקר התשוקה מלבו, ומביא ראיה מיבמות קיא, ב דעד תלתין יומין מוקים אינש אנפשיה, טפי לא מוקים אנפשיה עיי"ש, צ"ע אם שייך לעניננו, דהרי רואים בחוש, שבנדו"ד חוזרים לסורם אפי' אחרי ל' ויותר ימים, ורק אחרי ג' או ו' חדשים אפשר לומר שנעקר התשוקה מלבו

Thanks for the responses! I was thinking more about this over Shabbos. I’ll start with a Mashal. I used to play in a relatively intense hockey league- we played like 3-4 times a week and it was great. The league stopped because of corona and then I went to yehsiva in Eretz Yisroel and obviously was not able to play. BH I play here and there on bein hazmanim with other bochurim when I’m back home. So, in total I play maybe 5-8 times a year. To be honest, if I didn’t play those 5 times I would be fine. But if you came to me and said give up playing hockey for the rest of your life I wouldn’t be able to handle it- not bc of the not playing but bc of the fear of committing myself to a life changing commitment. I was thinking perhaps that’s what is preventing me from quitting P&M. Not that lack of the maaseh, the fear of commitment perhaps. Can anyone relate or comment on this. Gut voch thank you!!

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ראה דרשות בית הלוי דרוש י"ג, "הבעל תשובה צריך לעקור מלבו ומטבעו אותו ההמשכה לרע שחידש בעצמו במעשיו. ויהיה כמו שהיה מקודם, וכמו שאמר הכתוב "חדש ימינו כקדם". וזה שאנו רואים שכמה פעמים מתחרט על מעשיו ובעוד איזה ימים חוזר למעשיו הראשונים, זהו סימן שלא נעקר מלבו אותו ההמשכה להרע, רק על זמן מועט נתחזק על טבעו, והתאפק מבלי לעשות הרע, ומכל מקום עדיין לא נעקר מלבו התשוקה, ומשום הכי נכשל בה שנית" עכ"ל. הספר אינו תח"י אבל הוא מובא בוהתקדשתם ח"ב עמ' נג, ובכתר מלוכה - מערכי לב עמ' טז. רק מש"כ שם דאם אינו חוטא שלושים יום הוי ראיה שנעקר התשוקה מלבו, ומביא ראיה מיבמות קיא, ב דעד תלתין יומין מוקים אינש אנפשיה, טפי לא מוקים אנפשיה עיי"ש, צ"ע אם שייך לעניננו, דהרי רואים בחוש, שבנדו"ד חוזרים לסורם אפי' אחרי ל' ויותר ימים, ורק אחרי ג' או ו' חדשים אפשר לומר שנעקר התשוקה מלבו

I think that even after six months there is still a hamshacha for many. From the quote you brought, it sounds like the BH is speaking about a new nature of desire to sin, for example, nivul peh or stealing, something that a persons actions brought him to appreciate and lust after. However this nisayon is caused by the natural desire for a person , so it very likely has different rules. To illustrate, if someone was mezane we cant expect him to not desire to look at women after 30 days.

Yitz18 wrote on 30 Jul 2023 04:35:

one day at a time

Thanks for the responses! I was thinking more about this over Shabbos. I’ll start with a Mashal. I used to play in a relatively intense hockey league- we played like 3-4 times a week and it was great. The league stopped because of corona and then I went to yehsiva in Eretz Yisroel and obviously was not able to play. BH I play here and there on bein hazmanim with other bochurim when I’m back home. So, in total I play maybe 5-8 times a year. To be honest, if I didn’t play those 5 times I would be fine. But if you came to me and said give up playing hockey for the rest of your life I wouldn’t be able to handle it- not bc of the not playing but bc of the fear of committing myself to a life changing commitment. I was thinking perhaps that’s what is preventing me from quitting P&M. Not that lack of the maaseh, the fear of commitment perhaps. Can anyone relate or comment on this. Gut voch thank you!!I can definitely relate to this! This was and is a big struggle for me. There is an F2F about this the basic idea is what Shmuel said... I can say that you can tell yourself that when you do the work the feeling you are feeling now will not be so strong. Part of the reason is because part of you still thinks you could do it. For example during Covid, you probably did not have as intense longing for the hockey because it was not nogaya. Once your mind gets used to that, it gets easier. We are much stronger than we think we are. You can do it!

One of the F@F lessons is this one app.guardyoureyes.com/course/lessons/5/topic/24 

we all struggle with this unfortunately, we are all good yiden, we learn and daven and try to keep all the mitvas but we have this 1 thing that we fell into...

Further on this topic- lemayseh, any ideas on how to make myself feel that P&M are not nogeah? Thanks!!

Yitz18 wrote on 01 Aug 2023 13:14:

One of the big things is time.
Once your far enough along you never even want to back . 
That doesnt mean there wont be falls, But you'll love the new you

redfaced wrote on 01 Aug 2023 14:34:

Incredibly important point.  experiencing the positivity of a life free of this stuff is a game changer.

If you love the life of a non-smoker, that grants you a much better motivation to quit than just being scared about lung cancer…. 

Offense, not defence. 

Taamu Ureu Ki Tov!! 

This has actually been very beneficial for me to say how I feel and read the responses. Unfortunately, today I fell to p&m in a pretty embarrassing way. I was doing great and then I had a farher for a certain yeshiva which did not go nearly as well as I had hoped. I was feeling down after and fell. It's weird- I don't usually fall bc I am sad, usually it occurs from boredom. It was a really bad mistake today, I feel so stupid. IYH I will continue to uproot the connection I feel to p- even if it is not expressing itself by my actions today, my mindset is better and that is a step. 

That is definitely a step! I found with myself that trying to cultivate a desire for a life without Porn, which was something that I didnt know or remember was not a good motivation until I got some serious clean days under my belt... Even if it is a source of motivation, bshaas maase when you are fighting a powerful urge it may not be enough. Your YH will show you what you think is all your hearts desire against a life you dont know or remember... I would suggest a more tangible benefit such as the affects on your marriage, kids, spirituality etc. but thats just my opinion.