Hi Everyone,

I woke up in the morning and A THOUGHT popped into my head.

I have so much going good for me in my life,

• I have a Caring Cute wife BH
• I have Cute kids BH
• My Kids sit and learn BH
• My Kids are successful in school BH
• My business is going good BH
• I am well liked where I daven BH
• I finished Shas BH
• I have 4 Chavrusas everyday BH

With all these good things going on in my life, why am I even busy thinking about other women? When am I chatting with other men Stupid things?
This got me very upset thinking about this.

Asking everyone your thoughts about this. Also, what can I do to keep this THOUGHT in my head??/

Never Ever Again1 wrote on 20 Jul 2023 14:58:

Very important thought! Many of us (including me) can strongly relate to this thought. 
While reading this I was reminded of another post that was written yesterday:
"Contrary to what some people believe that people who have struggles in this area have a lack in Yiras Shamayim I challenge this misconception. I believe that many if not all of us have much more Yiras Shamayim than the average Yid. We have a struggle that some others never had. Some of us had addictions and felt powerless over our struggles and others without addictions also felt powerless, notwithstanding our tremendous desire to be good."

-

You're asking "what can I do to keep this THOUGHT in my head?"
First make sure it leads to charata healthy guilt & regret, as opposed to yiush: shame & despair.

The Nesivos Shalom writes in Parshas Noach, the guilty feelings we have are a gift from Hashem that come from the inherent good inside every Jew. Indeed, he writes, a Jew who does not have these feelings anymore, no longer has much hope.

A person who gives in to the Yetzer Hara only because the Yetzer hara has tempted him strongly and he can't hold back, is still not "bad' in essence. With sincere Teshuvah, Hashem will forgive him. But if one doesn't feel guilt anymore, that means that the bad has taken him over totally and there is little hope.

The Nesivos Shalom ends by saying that “guilt” is actually a Tikkun for every Jew to be able to break free of the bad. Even when one falls, they should make sure that the fall does not become part of their essence. By continuing to hold on to Hashem and feeling guilty when we are far from Him, then even in the case of the worst sins chas veshalom, we still have hope and will be forgiven.

There’s a simple test we can do to know whether we are being motivated by healthy guilt/regret or by shame/despair. If we see that we want to get right back up and find ways to strengthen ourselves again, then it’s a sign that our “bad” feelings are those of healthy guilt and positive regret. If, however, we feel that we just want to give up, then it’s a sure sign that we are experiencing despair and shame, and we must quickly find a way out of these harmful feelings before they lead us to a vicious cycle of continued falls.

You have a lot of good things going for you. Keep it up. Negative thoughts come and go and it is normal. Dwelling on those thoughts is what is forbidden. Use tools from GYE for negative thoughts including distract or whatever else works for you. With time and practice you will probably have less negative thoughts. See Tanya chapters 27 and 28 about how to deal with sadness that comes from such thoughts. Sharing THIS thought with others in a safe setting the way you did on the GYE Forum is the way to keep THIS thought alive. Don't let your Y"H trick you about THIS thought. It is true and genuine. Cherish it. Keep up your good work and you will succeed.

Thanks to both of you!!

Really appreciate that you took the time to read and respond!!

Never Ever Again1 wrote on 20 Jul 2023 14:58:

It's great to count your blessings, but I don't really understand what that has to do with thinking about (other) women.
I can have a lot of good stuff and still want other/more stuff, especially if the stuff in question is women.
Why am I even busy thinking about other women? Why not? Apparently, the hole in your soul is not satisfied by what you have and your mind thinks "other women" is the answer.

P.S. Don't be upset at/by your thoughts, they're just thoughts.

connected wrote on 20 Jul 2023 17:28:

This is rule number 1. Laugh at your thoughts ,  That will help push them away . 
MR YH is just twisting your knobs by sticking these thoughts in your head

When you fight against your own thoughts, you only engrave them deeper in your neurons. It's something like struggling against quicksand, which serves only to dig you in deeper and deeper.

So as long as you are chastising yourself for your thoughts, trying to determine where they come from, trying to convince yourself more and more how bad they are for you and even just remarking to yourself "why is this happening now?"--all you are doing is burning those thoughts further into the woodwork of your mind.

I agree with everyone that a person should not be concerned about regular thoughts and he should not give them his attention as the Tanya writes in chapters 27 and 28. I am not a Lubavitcher chassid but the Lubavitcher Rebbe says that when a person has negative thoughts he should think about something positive and constructive. The Rambam writes in Hilchos issurei biah (22:21) that negative thoughts only strengthen in a heart that isn't occupied in learning torah but as the book Ve'haer Eineinu says a person can think about anything constructive and positive that he enjoys. Quoting from F2F a person should do something practical and realistic that he enjoys doing. It has to be something easy and accessible that requires his full attention and is fun and enjoyable. e.g., walk, call someone, journal, listen to a shiur or music, choose a hobby, personal project, household chores, learn a new skill, language, sugya and the like. Ve'haer Eineinu and the Lubavitcher Rebbe are writing in reference to negative thoughts in general whereas F2F is a solution for urges.

DavidT wrote on 20 Jul 2023 17:48:

The "pink elephant" paradox comes to mind... I will try to stop thinking about it:)