About me: 
- Married
- 28 years old
- Good looking
- Muscular, athletic, & tall
- Incredibly intelligent 
- High Social Aptitude
- Grew up frum
- Sent to Hasidic school where I got the absolute crap beat out of me

My first draft of this post was lost when my computer suddenly died. Hence the brief format of the current post. I had spent 3 hours typing it up so please forgive me in advance for the brief manner in which I communicate to whomever is willing to read my story. \\


I left the school in grade due to the abuse and bullying, did not attend school at all for grade 6, transferred to another for grade 7 & 8 but seldomly attended. My time was spent at home reading or playing basketball at a local park. Despite a dysfunctional upbringing, getting accepted to a top yeshivah was a breeze. They all wanted this bright star future talmud/bachur. I attended a top tier out of town yeshivah with a beautiful sprawling campus. The yeshivah was my new home. The yeshiva was where I excelled for the very first time. The yeshivah was where I began developing an internal infrastructure of discipline, desire, and devotion. It was where I established strong bonds with good people which continue to this very day. It wasn't long before I became renowned as the Rosh Hayeshiva's anointed star. 

     Alas, it was not to last. In grade 11 I began experiencing subtle degrees of free floating anxiety and bouts of depression. As the symptoms intensified it's impact on my performance and behavior did so as well. Beginning with missing the occasional minyan to completely abandoning Yeshivah and moving back home. As if losing the single environment I could ever call home wasn't bad enough.....The one place I had quality relationships, etc...more was to follow. As soon as I returned home the state of my anxieties and depression exploded exponentially. The pain was so great I prayed to G-d on the daily to take my neshama. It was precisely in that vulnerable and excruciatingly painful state that I began seeking relief wherever it could be found. Therapy and psychiatric medication had done nothing other than drain my father's wallet. 
          I must emphasize that when I say "Wherever it could be found" that is to say everywhere except for addictive and harmful drugs/substances. What I did turn to was nightlife, modeling, and fitness/sports. Working as a Male stripper for women, VIP bartender, and Calvin Klein underwear model. Yes, you read all of those accurately. One day I'll write a book titled "From Adult Male dancer to Gadol Batorah" Amidst the chaos however, G-d had not abandoned me. My father in heaven sent me a "Mentor" whom I consider a father and saves me from myself to this very day. Among the various vices I turned to for relief/escape was the internet. More specifically Social Media and dating applications such as Kiddushin and Gittin. With a few taps on my phone I had access to an overwhelming number of women who were more thhan willing to spend the evening with a tall, handsome, muscular, model, and Instagram star who had amassed a following of a whopping three hundred thousand followers!!!
           After approximately 9 years of living this way, I gradually with the assistance of my "Mentor, Parents, and other figures began to heal. I met a beautiful courageous woman who till this very moment is everything one can ask for in a partner and more. G-d turned my life around in a moment. Within a span approximating 11 months....I was and still am....attending daily minyanim, shiurim, have a chavrusa I learn with daily, a successful business model build from scratch, a community which has welcomed my wife and I with open arms, and most importantly G-d healed me in the most miraculous fashion from the panic attacks and depression plaguing me for over the better part of a decade. 
             Nevertheless, what do I do and where do I stand with all the blessings G-d has heaped upon me??? I indulge in various forms of infidelity and bankrupting myself in the process. My wife knows nothing. I take all the precautions...filtering my devices does nothing...I merely purchase another device, download an application and have access to a plentiful amount of sexual partners. All the while improving on my Torah learning, Davening, business, and relationships to family and friends. The dichotomy in which I am living is quite literally unbelievable. Every day I take the blessings from my father in heaven and use them for devarim Assurim. This has returned me to a place all too familiar yet incredibly different. I praying to G-d to take my life not because I wish to die...quite the contrary actually. I pray to g-d to take my life because all I can seem to do with the blessings he showers upon me is destroy myself and those who love me in the process while I simultaneously build my palace in gehenom. 

                     I have no idea what to expect by writing into this forum. All I know is what my "Mentor" tells me. He told me to turn to the GYE organization so here I stand. Thank you in advance for taking the time to read my story. 

- "John/Jack Smith"
               

Welcome to GYE!
It seems that you've been through a lot and still going through tough struggles. 
Hashem has tested you with nisyonos (almost) like Yoself Hatzadik!
The Steipler Gaon once told someone: Even if you fall often, don't underestimate the tremendous zechus of each success. If one succeeds in overcoming his burning desire, the amount of holiness that he brings upon himself and the spiritual words is tremendous, like Yosef Hatzadik. It also repairs much of the spiritual damage caused by previous falls. Over time, he'll be able to undo all the spiritual damage he has caused.

We hope you'll get great inspiration here and that we'll all be inspired from you as well! 

Wow. My friend, you have been through a lot. So many painful things. I'm so sorry for the tremendous amount of suffering you've been through. And yes, you came to the right place. Here we are your family, we are here to be at your side as you grow and get past the unhealthy behavior. My friend, you obviously work out a lot, so hard work is not new to you. Signing in to GYE is a great first step, it connects you to a community of people who are working together to break free from unhealthy sexual behavior, and being part of such a community is a game changer. We care about you, we root for you, and we want to see you succeed in putting all this behind you. My friend, there are great tools here, check the flight to freedom program on the home page, work through the steps, and let us know what you discover. There's no question that you can do it! You BH have a wife that you love, a life that you feel is really worth living for, you just need to get rid of the other things, and you can! More than that, YOU WILL! We are always here for you, so please stick around, connect to the good guys here, and keep us posted. 
Feel free to email or PM

I want to add, my dear friend, that there is one thing I would like to point out. From the way you write I see that you judge yourself, you define yourself, entirely by the behaviors you described. My friend, by your own admission you are learning, you are davening, you have come in 11 months to such an amazing place, so why would you even think to judge your entirety by the one area that you are falling? Yes, in this area you want to be much better, but why are you thinking only about gehinnom? My friend, there is so much in your life that you do right, there is so much that you should be rightfully proud about, and all those things came through so much personal growth, you have come so far, don't you agree that THAT should define you? Don't you think you should be thinking of the unreal Gan Eden of baalei teshuivah? You are a wonderful person, a person who looks to serve Hashem, who looks to grow, to learn Torah, to daven, to make Hashem proud, and you have a behavior that you would love to shake but have not yet figured out how. That's the way you should be looking at yourself. Not because it's more enjoyable. But because it is the truth!
My friend, with all the work that you have put into your personal growth there's no doubt that you can do this to. Great people can figure out how to stop unwanted behavior:)

jacksmith wrote on 15 Jun 2023 19:14:

Just read this post and don’t have much time but what I would like to tell you is that, however low you’ve gotten, you can reach the opposite extreme in the best possible way. Looking forward to continuing to read your stories and seeing where you end up. I’m sure it will be somewhere amazing.

jacksmith wrote on 15 Jun 2023 19:14:


Welcome brother. You’re one of us!!

What you and I do which is something I haven’t fully got my head around, is why we put the most important things at the end?

You have an impressive list, and quite articulate.

In the last line you slipped in what I’d say should be the focus
“Sent to Hasidic school where I got the absolute crap beat out of me”.

Is your mentor able to help you work through this - is he a licensed guy?

How is your relationship with your parents?
They must be incredible if the birthed such a talented quality guy!

Wow. What a story. Welcome aboard. May Hashem guide you to the correct help quickly. Meanwhile keep posting.

Welcome aboard, brother. We are in this together.
 To echo some of my esteemed colleagues - it seems that you have many strengths, that you have fought the good fight against tremendous adversity . And you’re here fighting onwards. That’s impressive. Do not define yourself by your failures! You can rise to unbelievable heights. And we will be together with you on your journey. I look forward to reading that book, one day….