I’m hurting. My urges have gotten worse and it’s almost daily nowadays! I have stated in a forum that I suffer depression and anxiety, while at the same time struggling with p and acting out. It’s gotten so bad that I even I’m got injury down there but still cannot stop.

I’m taking meds and seeing a great frum psychologist I’m bonding to BH but as much chizuk I’m getting, I’m in a tough place! Realise that since I’m not ready to work yet due to conditions, even at days I do better, I still am in bed most of the day (except for few breaks) and I’m with my phone a lot. I have an app I do use for questions that are many times important (although, it’s not an excuse to use if I can get triggered), but it has connections to communities where I can see the worst. I’ve tried to tell my filter company to ban but: 1. I had urges and couldn’t hold myself back (was going nuts that I couldn’t act out; most likely because I don’t have an alternative strategy), and ask them to allow the app! 2. I urgently needed it for questions I ask groups and found it very helpful so I’m intrigued to as for it!

last night I felt suicidal and am in serious bad shape. I just want to cry.

Do you have suicidal ideations?

ccb45 wrote on 14 Jun 2023 16:41:

So painful. No words can alleviate your pain. All I can say is that we are here for you, you are not alone.
Keep on venting in this great healthy outlet. We all hope and pray that things will become easier for you very soon!

I can’t handle this anymore! I need help with cruising gye to get the most help! I’m very dejected!!!

Just feelings no plans

ccb45 wrote on 14 Jun 2023 17:27:

Maybe try to reach out to the Regional Bikur Choilem 845-783-4508 - they have experience helping in these situations. 

We all love you and are here for you!!!!!!!

Thanks. I really need this!

I appreciate you’re reaching out but I have a top psychiatrist and also top therapist (he help me slot!). Problem is, I need to get off a controlled substance medication (klonopin; Valium family) but it’s hellish to get off and it’s an extreme slowww process. So psychologically I’m not doing that bad but the withdrawals and tapering have extreme emotional suffering. I know it’s hard for ordinary people to understand, but that’s what Hashem wants me to go through now and I accept bsimcha. However, since I’m home bound (and many hours bed bound), I cannot take on a job, which is a major boost for fighting acting out and don’t have much structure. I’m trying my best with meds and therapy and I made a vow to always put on teffilin no matter how I feel and most of the time, have iyun Shiur at night for 1.5 hours. I also do intense Hilchos Shabbos program (fighting for my life doing this; hoping to take Smicha test!), I started short time elliptical exercise while listening to tefillah halacha Shiur.

So since I’m a Baal nefesh, and am serious, it bothers me even more why I don’t have the will power to fight p and m. I’m older (don’t want to say age because in case someone might know me), and I’m ashamed real bad. I want to stop: I don’t allow any p sites but the app I use, allows some addiction acting out. When I asked to not allow, I went crazy with lust and since for many reasons it’s hard for me to m without p, it’s a rough challenge. I’ll ask to forbid but my hormones are raging, while having too much time!

So in conclusion, if I didn’t give a damn about living and somewhat fighting to stay a Baal nefesh in some context, I’d be busy answering for myself; but it’s the opposite and my suffering puts the challenge on steroids.

my therapist told me I am lonely, and it’s true but not much can be done. He asked me to refrain from using after 9PM, and read interesting subjects, but I’m addicted to movies and then I go to app for pleasure. I’m distraught that I spend hours last night trying to view every p star on the app and barely slept. It’s a serious situation!

I can be helped but need additional guidance. Anything in gye, that can assist! Maybe vids that show me the downside of p and how fake it is? Not sure. It’s difficult for some reason to navigate and find resources!

please, please help, Tayere yidden; my lovely brothers!

ccb45 wrote on 14 Jun 2023 16:41:

So cry, my friend! It can only do you good. And even though we can't see or hear you, know that we are crying along with you, as is Hashem.

You've accomplished the first step of accepting and seriously addressing your bad habits/addiction. That's massive! But you must go slow, slower than you think. Don't be concerned about your current actions - at the moment you seem to be an oneis. Instead, discover and explore more about addictions, of which this website has plenty of interesting information on. Learn how to combat these things, what works and what doesn't, how to respond and how to avoid.
Then perhaps you'll bring yourself to a situation where you're not always an oines.

We're all with you the whole way!
Good luck and keep us posted!

Thanks: I really feel people care and appreciate the message of taking it slow. Interesting about exploring: I just am in the middle of a pastor speaking (no proselytizing), about his transformation from a male p star to a pastor and opens the can of worms about the sheker and destruction of p both for performers and watchers. Talks about suicide and p actors and more. Listening to him, literally made me sick to the core and was wondering if it would be helpful to share. It’s more than two hours but he eloquently explains the fallacy and destruction! It seems like at least I’m starting to see it for what it is (rather isn’t)!

My friend, we are here for you. You are doing all that you should, and you should be proud about that. I'm hurting for your pain. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what it is. Please keep us in the loop, we care