Hi friends!
I havent posted anything substantial in a while. My low self-esteem is getting the better of me and convincing me that I don't matter and nothing I have to say makes a difference to anyone anyway. So let's see if I can break out of it here by posting from time to time on this new thread. I guess it's similar to "Grant's rants" (he didn't copyright that concept, did he?)
Looking forward to hearing from myself!!

As someone I know keeps telling me Go for it. You Are Worth It 

im excited for this! you were one of the first guys i chatted w when i joined (do you even remember?)

looking forward to hearing from you more than from time to time

Hi Yeshayahu, I totally understand- that is partly why I made my own thread, too. But in addition, I think part of the advantage of gye is being able to use it the way we need it. We may not feel our words are deserving of reading etc., or that folks would be interested, but that doesn't mean they won't be. And even if that's true, sometimes writing out our thoughts can itself be very helpful. Write more.

My dear friend, the thought that you have could not be more false. I loved every post of yours, with your wit and humor you are such an amazing addition to GYE...or to any Yeshiva, learning with a bachur, especially ones that have a hard time connecting with the staff....Yeshayahu, we remember your achievements, now it's time for you to do the same

I have nothing to say but so much to say

Guys (or GYEs), I have a dilemma. As some of you have seen on a different thread of mine (whose name escapes me now...) I had a job in a yeshiva and I was considering dropping it due to being triggered there and then that question was answered for me when they unceremoniously let me go (not sure I wouldve appreciated a ceremony anyway, but whatever...). Now I have a new dilemma. I have a computer at home for parnassa and it's my ikar parnassa. I had gotten into trouble with it before and every time i found (and used) a loophole in the filter I immediately went to TAG to close it. I had to go more than once and each time was extremely difficult and embarrassing. So now, everything that hints of a video or anything, is mamesh closed and inaccessible. I was in a mood this morning and I was just searching for another hole and I found it. It was just a picture nota video, but it didnt get blocked by the skin blocker thingy (I think thats the actual computer term for it) and I just fell because of it. So now I should go to tag AGAIN and say "hey see this picture? can you block it for me?"? I'm more inclined to just chuck the job. Even when I wasnt having kedusha issues, it was still annoying to have it in the house..to always have to do things late at night..for my kids to see me on it (yes I tried having a seperate room for it but it's not foolproof). And it creates a certain label that I'm a "computer guy", hard to explain that feeling but it bothers me. This is not what i had in mind for myself, to be sitting in front of a computer for my parnassa. I feel like even with a good filter I'm playing with fire, this very thing destroys people. I would much rather work more hours at a lower paying job as long as i dont have to sit in front of a screen even for less time. Many times when I'm in a bad mood I've gone to the library to view things (not porn bH!) and I think its exacerbated by the fact that the computer is my parnassa so its "libo gass bah". I'm wondering if I should leave this job and Hashem will take care of me because I'm doing it for the right reasons. And my wife will be very happy also. Any thoughts?          

Can you financially afford to be out of a job for X amount of time while you look for another one, does your wife work or are you the sole breadwinner in the house?

Sounds like a tough situation. Hashem will definitely take care of for doing the right thing. However, just my two cents, maybe instead of dropping the job you can put some safe guards in place. Such as google extensions or things that will close some holes, google extensions aren't foolproof but it one more barrier you will need to cross which may hold you back from falling.

Btw, regarding your post on this thread. You should be very confident with yourself. You are an amazing person.

Yeshayahu 41:6 wrote on 06 Jun 2023 14:23:

Kudos for your amazing efforts in this difficult struggle! If I may put in my 2 cents for whatever it's worth...
​- Going to TAG to build stronger fences is something you should be proud of, not embarrassed. That's what they are here for. Remember the Mishna: מוטב לי להקרא שוטה כל ימי, ולא ליעשות שעה אחת רשע לפני המקום
- The Heter of internet for parnassa (according to the psak of teh Shevet Halevi, Rav Wosner Z"L) in ONLY with a filter that completely blocks all questionable material and ONLY in an office setting, not at home. I know there are other opinions on this but besides the halacha angle it's also not good for sholom bayis and definitely not good for chinuch 
- I can't tell you drop your job, but I would say start looking for something better and daven to hashem that it should be a clean parnassa without all these nisyonos and we hashem will be with you and you'll find something that will help you serve him better! 

Yeshayahu 41:6 wrote on 06 Jun 2023 14:23:

I’m with you. 
I’m like you. 

There was a period I worked a lot from home alone. It’s too much of a challenge for me. Very easy to loose work momentum and look for things we don’t want to. 

My suggestion?

Get out of there. 
Find an office building nearby and pay rent for a cubicle. You’ll get your work done and keep the porn sites deserted. 

Works for you?

I really appreciate the oilum's input. It would be so much better to just rent an office, but it's not the kind of job that I'm working hour X to hour Y and then I'm done. It's the kind of job that has to be at home because I could be needed for something unexpectedly and most of the work has to be done at night  

Markz wrote on 06 Jun 2023 17:25:

My suggestion? Work on the problem.

cordnoy wrote on 06 Jun 2023 17:56:

Part of working the problem (I said 'part'... I know the main components are internal)  is minimizing temptations and placing safeguards wherever possible.

My dear friend, the question is above my paygrade. But the fact that you are asking the question is huge! Keep up the amazing work. My suggestion would be to have a long and detailed conversation with someone qualified (A Rav, Rebbe) you trust and respect who knows you and your situation, and follow his advice. Keep us in the loop, my holy friend!