I've been struggling since I was 11. It is now 12 years later and I am still in this battle. I have improved, but it has become quite frustrating as of the last 3 years. I keep on trying to make home safe by making sure to filter all devices, even having to beg my parents multiple times to filter theirs. But whenever I become triggered, I always have found a loophole. I have been practicing urge management strategies like the ones I have learnt in the FTF program and they really help, but when the intense urges hit, it becomes so difficult and I end up trying to find a loophole again and falling. I become so motivated to stay clean after a fall, only for a few weeks later to completely loose motivaition, fall, and end up right back where I started. I am fed up with this.
I have come to the conclusion that I am still at the contemplation state of change. I have not developed enough of an internal motivaition to finally quit this stuff. Gehinom and the chizuk videos are great motiviators, but they fade away for me. Today, I will begin a new regiment of trying to build true internal motivaition to stop P&M. I will rework the relavant tools in the FTF program, I will check out GYE+ and I will talk to my accountability partner to see if he can help. I am in a low moment right now, as today I fell again, but I thank Hashem for finally waking me up to this. If anyone has any ways that they helped build their internal motivaition please share. Thanks
