(in israel, post yom tov)
I can't take it.
I had been clean so long, not even having a taiva anymore.
After an awful, feelingless pesach- couldnt feel or learn or be calm
couldnt sleep, and the taivos and thoughts poured in unexpectedly
after starting to give in- I endued up on the computer until 3 am browsing mindless entertainment. Thought i finally got out of that well which destroyed my life as well. but the part i really cant take is after. I let the thoughts come back in. I didnt have the same pull, but i wanted it. And i deliberately thought of those things, and started worse. I didint have to.
After all this time, and after yom tov, and all the good Hashem has done for me and all the opportunities for growth and mitzvos, and i just brought it in.
Just yesterday I was thinking Id rather die then go back, and i still rather I would have. I dont know what to do.
(I wrote this after waking up, already I dont feel much hurt anymore or affected. really dont know what to do to prevent this, or where to go or how to fix)
