Have a good Shabbos.

Teshuvahguy wrote on 02 Dec 2022 18:55:

I am sorry. I edited my post. that was not my intention.

Wow interesting feelings. I am dissociative. (if anyone knows what that means) Not to an extreme bh. I have over-feeling states, when im feeling too much feelings to function. Aka my fear is paralyzing. My anxiety is overwhelming. 

​Then i have under-feeling states. Whenever i don't have any real responsibility's and I'm able to avoid any real commitments, my brain decides "hay there's no reason to have feelings now" and i become a human doing. My left brain takes over and my body is in a state of do do do do do do, im like a car that is going 120 mph the whole day. Yes i sat at the computer yesterday for 7 (!) hours and wrote out all the sciences about how many of our feelings/desires we don't control. I sat for hours, researching to get numbers, data, averages, facts etc etc etc. Problem is, when i dont have access to my feelings because my left brain takes over (Left brain is cognitive/logic/thoughts etc) and i dont have access to my right brain (feelings/emotions) then i just cant stop. My left brain needs me to be distracted from my feelings so it tells me i must do do do do, even when im sleeping, im like a car that is idling while on, with someone pushing the peddle down full force, when im sleeping my brain is humming. I have to chew gum the whole day or i bite my lips, chew my cheeks or pick my face.

Frustrating. IM going to try moving on now, to put the past behind me, and care about my emotions, and stop being compulsive, even if i cant feel my emotions im going to look out for them.

Hi, Thank you for making this forum!
I am currently feeling grateful for the fact I have had a wonderful Shabbos. I have diagnosed ADD and this morning I didn't take my vyvanse. I felt very relaxed today. Got up for neitz got back had first seudah, then went back to sleep because I only had 2-3 hours sleep, got up at 1.30 for second meal. I was able to learn with menucha and feeling relaxed, shnayim mikra was beautiful and relaxing, maybe the fact that I am sober is the reason why I didn't need medication today. 
I was only diagnosed with ADD after I had discovered pornography, that was when things started to go downhill. So I am speculating that I now may have more energy and no longer need the medication. Although things I struggle with is time management, initiative, completing projects, staying on task, depressive thoughts and feelings as a result. So the question is, although I may be more relaxed and better cognitively with flow of information, I may need help in other areas which the medication may assist with.
I also need to keep in mind that the medication is not fully out of my system. It takes a few days for the vyvanse to get used up (although it acts for 14 hours officially) I have noticed in the past that the day following is difficult so I will try be aware of that but right now I will be honest that I am kind of feeling fed up with the medication and my term is running out so the plan is to get in touch with my psychiatrist to help with an updated script and I can trial from there.
All the very best everyone.
Gut Voch

I'm feeling like putting up a sign on my back, "closed for the season, returning when life doesn't suck anymore. Please don't bother me unless you understand what I'm going through and want to love me either way and not look at me like some weird phenomenon."

Just went on a family outing for Shabbos. Without feeling my internal world of my 5 yr old (remember I'm in my under-feeling state), I feel so emotionally anti social. I smile at all my relatives, people chill with me and laugh at my jokes. We have conversations. But inside I'm squirming with 1,000,000s of worms inside me. Its almost like a bad first date with a girl that was just not a match at all -and then you got to talk for 3 hours while feeling uncomfortable shaking your head and affirming you love peanut butter pizza, love taking a 3 week trip without shoes and plan on learning b'chavrusa with her into the wee hours of morning.

Its just 24 hours instead of 3.  I hate being around people who don't know or wouldn't understand or care enough about what's going on with me internally. Its just unenjoyable and uncomfortable.  And because just being around people is so uncomfortable, i do things that are a little wierd sometimes just to do it, because I'm feeling so uncomfortable either way, and i anyways cant really feel much shame. I can feel unrelaxed and unsettled, but not shame. So I just do things other people would do because anyways i don't feel settled. When people say "omg human being" "your so fun. Your such a crazy dude" with a smile, I just smile back while I'm so uncomfortable inside.

Wow, what strong words! I love the courage of you guys on this forum. I just thought it might be related to the SA saying, don't be Hungry Angry Lonely or Tired, HALT, it is dangerous territory for the sex addict. 
A friend from SA translated that Loneliness can mean that even though I am in a crowded room I can still be lonely, similarly he said that I can be in Antarctica and sex will be everywhere, that is when I know I need to work the steps.
All the best,
Misgaber

Hi,
Still wondering if I should be on the meds or not, Currently have been experiencing a little more ADD especially when food is around (love food).

Thank Gd I have not acted out today! such a Bracha! Not only that but I almost have no urge today! Hodu LaHashem Ki Tov Ki Leolam Chasdo! I know the next second I can act out but that is ok. I have to daaven in the moment for the person who i am lusting after and then my temptation will subside.

Back to the topic at hand, I still need to figure out if I can manage without the medication, so the test will be to:

1. Give myself a cognitive task
2. Set a realistic time
3. Complete the task
4. note how long it took

BEH I will be able to do this.
All the best
Misgaber

Misgaber96 wrote on 11 Dec 2022 04:22:

for the person you are lusting over, you daven for? hmm I think that might be off, especially that it will give you more time just thinking about that person and not getting over it. (I haven't read previous to this, but if it's p*** then I hold to what I said), if its some jew and needs tefiloos I don't get it unless you can eplain that to me thanks.

Misgaber96 wrote on 11 Dec 2022 04:22:

How about allowing your wife (if your married) or a close friend to,

1. Give myself a cognitive task
2. Set a realistic time
3. Complete the task
4. note how long it took

No Judgment here, but it can be that getting outside judgment will do you better long term. Excuse my intruding here...:-)

Emes-a-Yid wrote on 11 Dec 2022 05:20:

The concept of Davening for a person you lust for has been brought up many times on the forum and especially in recovery talks by Dov. (can be found in the audio section of the library) The idea is that lusting after women objectifies them until you aren't looking at them as people. Davening for a specific woman you see on the street to fufill her Tafkid in life, can then allow you to take a step back and consider what she's trying to do (just walk down the street, if she knew what I'm thinking about her when I'm looking and lusting she'd be disgusted) and also makes me acknowledge the process of objectification I'm going through

jackthejew wrote on 11 Dec 2022 09:38:

It works wonders! Highly recommend it! 

Im going through such a funny stage right now. I'm finally starting to shift back into my feeling part of me. (i have 2 parts of me that are dissociative- a younger feeling (5 yr old) emotional right brain part, and a logical left brain doing doing doing part that doesn't really feel emotions. Since about two weeks ago i was unable to feel because the part of me that that took over was the logical left brain part of me. Which again, since I'm dissociative, I cant feel the 5 yr old, emotional part of me when my logical 22 yr old takes over.

So the past 2 weeks I've gone on a logical spree, posting about feelings vs emotions, behavior ive feelings, strange desires, to try to share some of the knowledge I have in the area. I anticipated a good argument (which I'm happy to have) and indeed their was a beautiful conversations. (and there continues to be.)  

What's weird is, I'm in middle of a deep dive into the workings of the brain, logical stuff, reasoning, knowledge (all left brain), when here I am, bh, slowly regaining my emotional world again. I look at the forums and feel so out there and vulnerable, and i think to myself, "what have i done" I'm now embroiled in a whole conversation that doesn't matter all that much to me anymore if it will make me feel uncomfortable"

Yes,
I do want people to understand how the brain works so they can get out of the 1980s and into 2022, where research has shown that focusing on behaviors or focusing on getting someone a diagnosis in order to medicate him, isn't helping heal depression, anxiety or any other mental health problem, but rather it just helps manage the problem, and is not a solution.

There is a ton of new research from the past 20 years that has focus on healing and changing our minds. Not just managing symptoms, but rather healing. There is IFS, somatic, The polyvagal theory. The mind-body connection. neurofeedback, updated study's on attachment theory and the needs of humans to be connected safely to at least one person. Which can be done through a parent who raises a child -emotionally based. Which can also be done through therapy. There is EMDR. There is new research explaining how our body's hold feelings until we release them.  And that's why so many people who have a mental health issue have IBS. And a shorter life expectancy. 

Study's show, it usually take about 20 years for research that is shown as more affective, to begin gaining widespread use. I urge everyone on gye, to begin updating themselves. CBT DBT ABA all focus on behaviors. Yes, we always need to start with behaviors, But nowadays in 2022, we should never settle for behavior oriented approaches that cant heal us, and instead just mitigate the damage. Lets start healing.

But i also want to feel comfortable relaxed and at ease. So i guess the conversation will go on slightly different, and more feelings based and sensitive bn.

I bh figured out a lot in therapy, it was a hard week, so I'm happy that i started the week with positive development. I figured out that the reason I'm unable to feel a secure attachment to almost all Frum people. Im not sure i want to write it out now, but never the less I'm happy.

I have a very hard time getting myself to go to sleep when I'm disconnected. Its 238 and im just chillen here

Ok I'm so dis-regulated right now. Last night I tried out something similar to Cbd vape. I have vaped this product before, but this time i opted for the weaker type of vape. Anyways, to make a really long awkward and a little disturbing story short, it ended up being way stronger then what i had previously vaped, and i ended up feeling totally out of body and i was very detached from reality. It was almost like i was 2 people. 1 person who was talking listening and cheshboning with a friend, and one person who was trying to process what the first guy was saying/hearing but wasn't able to process the information fast enough. Basically extreme disassociation.

Challenge is, the more out of body I feel, the less communication I have with my body. (think of it as a drunk guy in the cold, he's not getting messages from his body that its cold outside, because his brain is in a different place altogether. Same here) the less I understand how to process urges, and I don't feel like I'm the one having the urge. last night was extreme.  I started having urges because I'm lacking secure attachment right now, (and as in the past, the only safety I can feel is when I'm sexualizing. If not I don't feel grounded inside me and in the present, because its too dangerous to be grounded in the present without anyone to attach to.) So i started having urges, but i was so disconnected from my body that i couldn't connect with my "hornyness" to get it under control. On the contrary, when i thought about what to do with this urge, it just got stronger, but when i didnt think too much about it, it got stronger too!

to the extent, i know this is going to sound crazy, that i almost ejaculated in my pants without touching anything, like in a wetdream. I literally did not have control/connection to my body. I was about to ejaculate when i decided the only option i have is going on gye and typing, because that will distract my body. (hard to explain in the moment how that works.)  So i go to my computer, spend a lot of time on gye, but the second i leave Gye, my already aroused and "humming" body went right back to feeling extremely turned on to the point that i would ejaculate. So i went back to Gye, and then off Gye and then right back on. Until, one time i went off Gye, (it was getting late it was like 2/3AM) i have the desire as all the other times, and just followed the desire down the rabbit hole.

​What a really weird day for me the past couple.