Hey all. Back from Eretz Yisrael for Sukkos at home in the States. Here's the rundown of the past 6 weeks:

The Good: WOW. What an incredible, magical Elul Zman. I stayed clean for the entire Zman despite being around unfiltered devices (none of which were mine) for a lot of the time (at relatives' houses), I did lust a lot but resisted the (strong) urges, and the Zman on a Yeshiva related level could not have gone better. I absolutely love the Shiur, it's challenging but so engaging, I got great Chavrusas, and, not to brag, but I shteiged like nobody's business. Even my new Rebbi commented to me on how engaged I was. In short, I thrived. But...

The Bad: The first night I was home again, the lust kicked in. Before I knew it, I'd fallen on pictures (the filter my parents installed-and again, they don't know about my struggles, they B"H just thought it was a good precaution-but it doesn't block Google images, or non-porn sites with awful graphic pictures/GIF's, such as Instagram or Reddit). I felt bad, but still proud of the almost 50-day long streak. But then I fell the next day again. And then, tonight, I spent 3 HOURS desperately trying to watch videos that the filter didn't block, anywhere and everywhere that I could, scourging the scum of the internet for sheer filth. I saw absolutely horrible, sickening stuff. Feeling really, really bad. It's amazing and horrible how fast the porn drags you down and sucks you in to a new cycle of garbage.

The Ugly: "Thanks" to my recent activity, I discovered/realized that certain porn sites that are not blocked on this computer but are behind a paywall can be accessed by simply purchasing a Visa debit card at any local CVS/Walmart/7-11, etc. with cash (so that the purchase can't be traced back to me) and using it to pay for a month's worth of porn. And now I'm really worried. If I can't stop myself from doing that, let's just say it could have BIG consequences for next Zman in EY, to put it mildly. So, in short, feeling lousy, sickened, and worried.

I'll talk to HHM, first and foremost. Then I will post on GYE for every single remaining day of Bein Hazmanim (excluding Shabbos/YT, obviously). And hopefully I'll then go back into EY feeling just as good as I did when I left.

Thanks again to all for the outpouring of support and kind words on here. Really appreciate it. Hatzlacha to all, talk to you tomorrow.

Sincerely,
FWF