Its currently 1 am when i write this after searching up Not tznius things on google. Bh i haven't done P or M in my life but i feel as if I'm getting closer and closer. I got rid of my smart phone and laptop but at home I have access to 3 computers with filters. 1 point I tried playing with task manager and managed to disable the filter. I now without the knowledge of my parents have turned my home computer in to a potential sink whole. every day I'm searching up terrible stuff and feel as if in a matter of time il end up doing P or M. What do I do?
 I think i can talk to someone I know about this, but who, and what do i say? "I do This and this every day and i know its bad and i still do it"? i feel lost.

You are a tzaddik. Every moment you hold back is worth so much. I think many many people would be very jealous of you. Once you see porn, your life is dramatically changed for the worse. Maybe you can speak to TAG or someone like that. They are usually not judgmental but will help you fix the filter. Is that an option? Hatzlocha.

I think it's important for you to here this from more than one person. Many people here have gone past the point that you have not reached yet. And all of us will tell you that if you have not seen it yet, then DO NOT GO THERE. I was disgusted at myself the first time I saw porn, but it did not stop me from seeing more. Once you start, it is hard to get out of it.
And yes. Go to your rav and say exactly what your struggle is. Many rabbanim have dealt with people in way worse situations.
I would also suggest looking around in the GYE library. There are many articles and shmuzim that could be helpful. Just remember that if you have not fallen, you do not need the same level help most of us need. There are "lighter" topics that could help give you chizuk to stay away.

I second Yissie's statement.

You are currently on the healthy(ish) side of the divide. It's within your power to choose to cross over to a place of no return. (I'm not saying it's impossible to quit, but once you get hooked, your mind changes forever. You can never "unsee" it.)

I was physically nauseous for a few days upon encountering my first porn video. Then I needed to go back for just one more look and another one. For the next ten years, I could not stop. It (I) wrecked my marriage, harmed my children, and turned me into a selfish zombie. Now, nine years into marriage, I'm starting to realize the extent of the damage, and I'm fighting an uphill battle trying to fix it.

Please, for your own sake, for the sake of your future, for the sake of your future wife and children (your post implies that you're not married), be smart, understand the devastation this brings about, and don't take that irreversible step.

Stay Connected

The desires that you have are normal. They do not make you a bad person. However it is up to you to learn how to deal with those desires and to guard yourself from acting on them in an inappropriate way. This is a learning process. While we try to win every battle we should not be discouraged when there are some battles we don’t win. A close rebbi is the best person to help guide you. Most of them have dealt with this quite often. I recommend the book The battle of the generation to help put this struggle into a positive perspective…..

connected wrote on 11 Jul 2022 21:00:

i did not have the physically nauseous reaction that Connected had. I was totally drawn in from the first time i saw it.  I could not understand why i had no resistance, but i just did not have any at all. I remember how sad i was because i felt like i was falling into a hole that i could not climb out of.  Over the years things only got worse they did not stay the same.  It was an open miracle that i was able to climb out of this hole after more than 30 years.   I can say with absolute certainty that this secret i was keeping for all this time clouded my judgement in almost every important life decision that i made.  

To the OP i would ask you to make a list of the reasons you would like to stop now.  You will need those reasons in order to provide the motivation to start making the correct decisions on how to face this challenge and persevere.  This is no longer about making sure you have the correct filters in place (although that is a part of it.)  You have come face to face with a crossroads that can have implications far beyond what you can imagine.  Please use this opportunity to look deep into yourself and think about what you really want out of life.  The right decision now can fast track you to where you want to go.

I appreciate the chizuk but i don't know how long I can last. I always give myself a red zone as in no matter what don't do XYZ but the more shmutz i get into the smaller my zone is and I'm scared that my zone is meaningless. I'm still on a 13 month streak of no movies or shtusim videos but when it comes to Not Tznius inyanin i just feel as if the current is to strong. I don't want to do it but i feel an urge to watch P and the urge is just getting bigger to the point that im searching it up on google but just not clicking on the links. it feels uncomfortable to even write it out because 2 weeks ago you wouldn't even see me on a single website that wasn't Jewish and now...

baker12 wrote on 11 Jul 2022 15:10:

Hey welcome to the club,
Can you explain a little more, cos I’m not sure what you mean. 
What is considered “terrible stuff” and what is P - How do you define them - what’s the difference between them?

I appreciate the chizuk but i don't know how long I can last. I always give myself a red zone as in no matter what don't do XYZ but the more shmutz i get into the smaller my zone is and I'm scared that my zone is meaningless. I'm still on a 13 month streak of no movies or shtusim videos but when it comes to Not Tznius inyanin i just feel as if the current is to strong. I don't want to do it but i feel an urge to watch P and the urge is just getting bigger to the point that im searching it up on google but just not clicking on the links. it feels uncomfortable to even write it out because 2 weeks ago you wouldn't even see me on a single website that wasn't Jewish and now...Hi,

You wrote that your on " a 13 month streak of no movies or shtusim videos" and that  " Bh i haven't done P or M in my life" yet you also wrote "the more shmutz i get into the smaller my zone is ". 

What do you mean by the more shmutz you get into, Is it  searching for certain sites or pictures? Are there other things going on?

Also, Which filter is this that you disabled? I'm assuming you can't tell your parents that you noticed the filter is not working without telling them you disabled it?

by shmutz i mainly mean like written stuff and theres pretty bad of that stuff or photos which arent P mamash but close to it. 

the filter is quostodio and i know how to fix the filter but then i can just disable it again in 3 clicks, and i feel bad because my parents are paying for it.

Gotcha. It's amazing that you've held back until now from P&M and it's amazing that you realize that your playing with fire. 


The question is, what are you willing to do/are you willing to do something to make sure there is a good filter on the computer.


I don't know you, your parents  or your relationship with them but I'm going to assume if they are paying for a filter they want it to work.


Could you tell your parents that the filter that they have is notorious for being easy to disable and that they should get a better filter or is that something that could blow up in your face?

Procrastinate from looking at anything and ride out the wave of unhealthy desire. Wait and know that a moment of clarity is coming - where will you be standing when the moment of clarity comes? 
When the moment of clarity comes you will know what to do and be able to act on it. Some say that being alone with the internet is a violation of yichud - makes sense right? 
Use the internet as a tool only, during daytime hours only, and around others only.
Also look on this website for others that might need your help and respond to as many calls for help as you can until your own urge subsides - it is working for me