Hi Guys, Some of you know me from my thread in the BB forum, I decided to start a new thread in the general section.

So, after counting some 150 or so days, I relapsed, and watched pornography (Cords, it does feel better...) masturbated etc, the whole nine yards... several times in the past week. 

But, somehow things are different this time around, I'm in a very different place as I was a few month ago, I've been going to therapy on a consistent basis, and life is much more manageable bh. 

My falling isnt driven by my anxiety, and so isnt my recovery. I'm actually pretty okay with myself after my relapses.  I dont feel like life is gonna now come crashing down, I dont hate myself, and I am not anxious. (I dont even need chizzuk....)

I've been thinking alot why I wanna stop with these behaviors now. It took me some thinking to see if/where it interferes with my values and life. I decided to try F2F program, not sure if I'll follow it fully, as I'm working with my therapist, but I wanna check it out. 

So please my friends, I didn't really open the thread to help others, I'm here to help myself, please, if anyone has what a comment, idea etc especially if you worked the F2F program, I would appreciate, just please keep me real... 

I relate to this a lot. 

I think what keeps me going is knowing that I cannot live the life that I want to if I allow myself to fall back into it. 

Commited just posted an awesome post which may be up your alley: guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/379831-Re-Living-a-holy-life

Not currently doing f2f but thanks for posting. If nothing else it helps keep you grounded and clarifies for yourself where you stand. That is helpful to us as well.

Sapy wrote on 11 Apr 2022 04:17:

This sounds very real!!!

Keep it up ⬆️ 

wilnevergiveup wrote on 11 Apr 2022 04:28:

That is true, and I have had similar thoughts lately, but what I was thinking is, that if I think those behaviors are against my values, why should I engage in this even every so often, I'm not talking about if I had an urge and I gave in etc, just as a 'l'chatchila', if doing it somehow clashes with my inner self, I'd maybe rather refrain of it all together.

One of the major shifts in my mind lately, was being okay with the part of me, which wants sex, erotica etc, and accepting, understanding and even appreciating and inviting that part to be part of me. (Disclaimer: I know that this is a topic which is looked at very different by different programs, and it might even be the same idea but different wording, this is just what makes sense to me, now at least)

To me this is a healthy part, and it should be there, I just need to learn when and how to engage with those feelings, now I realize that those feeling might show up at wrong places etc, and that's my work to learn how to use it the right way, but I'm not upset on the feeling itself. In the past, I looked on it sometimes as a selfish feeling and urge, now whereas, the feeling is okay to be there, it just might be selfish to engage with it in certain circumstances. 

This was a new idea for me and some how gave me peace of mind, and a more accepting approach, was wondering if anyone relates.

interesting concept. are you describing the natural desires that hashem put into man or do you mean something more than that?

Sapy wrote on 11 Apr 2022 18:50:

Thank you for this. I had a conversation just this mornin' with a bloke from yonder the pond, and he coined it as "bein' an adult" (contrasted to a child) regardin' this issue/challenge. Now, I had a response to that, but never got to it. 

You wrote above "appreciatin'," "invitin'," and "healthy." You may be right to some extent - I do agree with the healthy part - not that these thoughts are necessarily healthy for us, but it is healthy to accept that I have these thoughts. So, kudos to you; that doesn't mean it's not somethin' to work on, but it is a positive outlook.

Just for the record, this fellow was tellin' me that when he drinks a pint (or three) at the local pub, he finds himself noticin' women and their voluptuous shapes - and that's where the discussion went that if you are workin' on other things, for the time bein', it's ok (and healthy) to accept this fact.

Hi Sapy, this is a good point here thank you for sharing. When I read it I had this thought. A desire for sex is absolutely very healthy. But I think a lot of the shmutz out there is designed to play off and inspire other more negative inclinations in addition the the regular healthy libido. For instance, a desire to dominate others, to see them denigrated and human dignity profaned etc. I do think it's important to distinguish between what is normal (a healthy sexual desire) and the values/inclinations these media formats promote, which can be very twisted.

Cords, thanks, what I meant in inviting wasnt to invite the thoughts to show up at any given time,  just to not fight the feeling itself, and to understand that they are there for a healthy purpuse in the right time.
Your saying it might not be good for us, which I'm not sure about, I do think (for the time being at least) that it is there to use in the right setting. I know that some differentiate between lust and desire etc, I'm not clear about that, to me it's the same I just think that I need to learn how/when to engage in it, and when to let it go. I know some believe that its impossible to do that.

committed_togrowth wrote on 11 Apr 2022 20:48:

I hear what your saying, I wont comment since it's not something I'm struggling with, I do have some behaviors which I like, but it's for me the same base of sexual desire, and I'm okay to not engage in that particular act.

cordnoy wrote on 11 Apr 2022 19:10:

My own take on this (both the original post and Cords') is that this is a definite mindset shift. I recall when i first revealed my issue (to an online blogger no less) their response really hit me. They basically said to stop looking outside myself. This has a lot of different levels and meanings and I've used those words in different ways during my life. Right now, I'm onboard with that guy Cords quotes. Being adult means seeing myself as all my wins, my loses, my desires my strengths etc. I like sex. there we go, i said it. That isn't going anywhere and the constant barrage of attempts to tell myself to just get over my desire isn't going to help. It hurts when i don't get sex. i recovered when i got it and am struggling now without. Some will jump on and say I was dry drunk. yeah yeah. Whatever. I like sex. My job is to try and put it in the right place. If I don't have a right place, I will struggle. 

Sapy wrote on 11 Apr 2022 21:12:

I think you know that I don't like to get too philosophical, and I will keep to that. Each person needs to know himself (with all the biases and justifications and rationalizations). I'm all for knowin' where you are and bein' content with that - if you truly are. I can say regardin' myself that for some of the time that works, but it also has been the beginnin' of dangerous slopes.

Godspeed to you!

committed_togrowth wrote on 11 Apr 2022 20:48:

So do you believe there is some purified perfect sex drive?