Shalom chaverim,

So I'm new to this online community, but unfortunately not new to our shared reason(s) for being here. I've tried the SA program with minimal results. The thing is that even though the Torah says that arayos and shemiras ha bris are important I don't always feel that way--sometimes I take off my kippah and tzitzis and pretend for a few minutes/hours or chas'v'shalom longer that I'm in some secret place where Hashem doesn't see me and I can act out forgetting that it's wrong. Maybe I'm depressed, maybe I'm mad at Hashem, maybe I'm just normal, but there is some small part of me just for right now that wants to start on a true journey of breaking free. So what would you recommend? Do I need an accountability partner/sponsor? (I have an SA sponsor that I haven't talked to for a few months now) Do I need to join a phone group? Should I force myself (aka "bring the body") to live meetings in my area? There is one meeting that I occasionally go to which is about 90% Christians, and it's hard for me to relate sometimes. I look at the Jewish idea of "sin" as being negative character traits that need to be turned around for positive purposes, but it seems that most of the people in my group treat it as something that needs to be repressed. Also, I have trouble with the label "sex addict". I feel that it's not a good idea to label ourselves by aveiros--we don't usually see people walking around introducing themselves as "Hi I'm Ploni the guy who cheats on his taxes", or "I'm Ploni the treif-eater". So, I know that I wrote a lot, but perhaps you all can help give me some advice.

thank you

Welcome T613. Well you definitly made the right choice by coming here. As for advice ill leave that for the greater ones on the forum. Guard will be here soon with his welcoming package so you can see from there.

Hey Torah, I'm not a pro at instruction, I just give chizuk to people who need a boost. But one thing I can tell you is WELCOME HOME!!
Once you join us - there's no turning back!
This is something which I never believed was possible. You can't imagine how different the struggle becomes when your fighting it with a whole group of friends JUST LIKE YOU!!
You will start to see the good in some of the tzaddikim here, and realize "Hey! That's me!"
And you ARE a tzaddik. The proof is that your reading this page right now, and you CARE!! and are willing and ready to stand up to a mountain a bajillion times your size, for the sake of acting in a way which you know H-shem wants you to, and fixing this part of your life regardless of how difficult it may be. THAT IS A TZADDIK!!
Welcome aboard, sit down, relax, and get comfotable, because once you get used to this place - you'll wish you found it long ago.

Dear torah613,

Welcome to our community! Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up, up, up!

Why is Sexual purity so important in Judaism? Our sages called Shmiras Habris "Yesod", meaning "Foundation". The foundation of a building is "underground" and no one sees it, yet it holds up the entire building! Shmiras Habris is the hidden part of a Jew, it's the real you. If the foundation of a Jew is weak, his whole spiritual structure is fragile and in grave danger of collapse. At guardureyes.com we are finally joining together, for ourselves and for all future generations, to strengthen the foundations of our people!

With a name like torah613, you'll have to make a quick turn around!   But like you said, we have to WANT to recover first. That is step #1. And we truly hope you choose to "hit bottom while still on top" and don't let the addiction spiral. It never gets better, only worse, and ultimately it destroys our lives.

SA groups are usually only effective if we have truly "hit bottom" and want to change. Then, through actions, we live ourselves into a new way of thinking. (We can't think ourselves into a new way of living though). How do we do "actions" of recovery? We work the steps with a good sponsor. Lots of writing and doing... But anyone can do actions, no? Even the biggest simpleton. That's the power of these groups.

If you are in N.Y I can help you find groups with mostly religious people in them... But it really doesn't matter, Jew or non-Jew... The ideas in the 12-Steps can all be found in our Sages...

Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here...

We get cries for help every day, by e-mail and on the forum. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama    And that is why we created the GYE handbooks (links below). If you read them well, from beginning to end, slowly, and try to implement what you read, you will find the answers within them to enable you to completely turn your life around. You're worth it.

Also, join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day, and post away on this forum. You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

GuardYourEyes also offers various free anonymous phone conferences, where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See this page for four different options. Our conferences are taking place daily, throughout the week... This would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps - which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but joining the group will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

Let me tell you a little about the two GuardYourEyes handbooks. They lay down the cornerstone and foundation of our work, and they make our network much more effective and helpful for people.

You see, until now, people would often get "lost" when coming to our website, not knowing what tips and techniques to try. For example, a beginner wouldn't jump straight into therapy or 12-Step groups, while on the other hand, someone whose addiction was more advanced wouldn't be helped by the standard tips of "making fences" putting in "filters" etc... So it was essential to develop a handbook which details all the techniques and tools to dealing with this addiction in progressive order. Now with these handbooks, anyone can read through and see what steps they've tried already, and if those steps haven't worked, they can continue on through the handbook where the steps become progressively more powerful and "addiction-oriented".

And the second handbook, called the "Attitude" handbook, can also help anyone, no matter what level of addiction they may have. Often people write in to us saying that had they only known the proper outlook & attitude that we try and share on the GuardYourEyes network when they were younger, they would have never fallen into an addiction in the first place! So we hope that through this handbook, many addictions will be prevented.

The handbooks are PDF files, set up as eBooks, and they have bookmarks and hyper-links in the Index, to make them easy to navigate.

Make sure to read them, they contain a wealth of information on beating this addiction! And I'd love to hear your feedback on them...

Note: You might want to print them out to read away from the computer. Keep in mind though, that if you do this, you won't be able to click on the many web links in the articles. But you can always come back to them later. The truth is, it's anyway good to go through the whole handbook once without clicking on links, just to get an overview of all the tools available. Once you did that, you can start again from tool #1 and read each tool through more carefully, click the links and study each technique and assess whether you have tried it fully yet or not...

Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook
This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude
The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth...

May Hashem be with you!

Welcome, Torah613!

I'm not sure what the best advice is - but I do know that I'm glad you're here! And that it's really impressive!

I'll also mention that the term "addiction" is a very harsh one - I know that I had trouble with it, in the beginning. I still do, sometimes. I can share with you my own inner dialogue on the subject, if that helps...The idea is, though, that we need to recognize that we have more than a regular yetzer hora that can be fought off with just one hard shove. This is a disease (called addiction), and we therefore need special tools to get well again.

Also, the yetzer hora likes to tell us that the word "addiction" doesn't really apply, so we won't use all the tools available (which we really do need).

The way I look at the term "addiction" is that I say very simply - there are things that I'm doing that go against my values, that make me feel rotten about myself, and that I have trouble stopping. That's not normal!

Although I agree - as others here have pointed out, I believe, the addiction is not who we are - we have a problem with addiction.

On the other hand, we need to remember that Hashem has given us these opportunities to grow, and that we need special boundaries for ourselves, because we DON'T react the way that other, "normal" people do.

torah613 wrote on 24 Dec 2009 10:24:


Welcome, Torah613!

Remember that "sex addict" is more an illness than a lack of Frumkeit.  But, I agree with your basic point.  I don't think it's necessary to label ourselves "sex addicts" any more than someone would say "I'm Ploni the cancer sufferer."  We may have a sex or lust addiction, and we have to behave very differently because of it, but it doesn't have to define our very being.

torah613 wrote on 24 Dec 2009 10:24:

Dear "Torah613",
First off, we all take off our yarmulkas and tzitzis - either physically or mentally - when we use our drug. So you are not at all unique in this. Welcome aboard.
Because I got sober in SA, I assume you and I share some common experiences. So there are a few questions (non-judgemental!) I have for you, and if you wish to answer them but feel uncomfortable doing that right here, you can Personal Mail me using the forum, if you'd like:
1- how old are you;
2- how did you hear of SA;
3- how many SA meetings did you attend;
4- how did you get your sponsor - did you choose him, or was it an assignment from the secretary at the meeting;
5- how often did you speak with your sponsor;
6- how did you drift apart;
7- did you work any of the steps with your sponsor?

#7 is the one I am most curious about.

The reason for these questions is that you ask for help, and I cannot understand you w/o this info. Y'yasher kochacho for your tremendous efforts thus far at taking better care of yourself. I hope we
can all help eachother here, as others have said so well above.

Regarding your post, you have brought up so many important issues, but I'll wait until you respond to the above before offerring any feedback.

Hatzlocha!
- Dov

torah613, Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years, so he is the guy who can probably help you best! It's a big honor to get a post from Dov on your thread... I highly suggest you answer his questions and get in touch with him, you'll get tons of great advice from him...

Here's a post of Dov's from the past:

I didn't get sober until I was desperate to stop and reached out frantically for help. A drowning person does not quit until they feel safe again. B”H For me it wasn't just a moshol (parable), I was really dying, so I didn't give up.

I was told to go to meetings to meet other people and be introduced to the real me by looking at them. The support was tremendous.

Still, many (most) come to meetings and do not get sober. They leave after two or three and stay out there. The next thing I needed was faith in the steps - at least temporary faith, so I'd give it a shot. Nothing else worked, so I had nothing to lose and everything to gain, for I saw that the way things were going I was about to lose it all. And I have not yet turned my back on the knowledge that I am just as close to losing it all today, too. And if that ever becomes “just words”, I believe I'll be lost for good. I don't think I'd be able to hold onto that reality without at least some live in-person connection.

Guard stole the words right out of my mouth. Dov showing such an interest is gonna hopefully get you far. So dude, take full advantage!

Good luck and welcome home everyone here will help you.