Story as follows: I am a mid age storngly chasiddish person married with a nice family of children.As I was a kid I was molested a lot of times, same story as a בחור and I did a lot of  masturbation.I tried to be a good בחור but I had my ups & downs so when I was like down which happened quite often  I carried out the above but never did anything with others like boys or girls.Then I became engaged to a excellent frum chasiddish smart girl - we got married & tried building a nice heimish yiddshe house.I started out in Kolel but wasn't מצליח too much and when I didn't reach my expectations I became like depressed and went back to my old bad hobbits even so far as reading porn through buying porn books.After leaving Kolel I went into chinuch being a רבי in yeshiva where I was ב''ה מצליח,Since leaving Kolel I think I didn't act out my bad habit. but unfortunately I did experience טומאת קרי quite often.All those years I had and have, a very good physical  relationship with my wife - which has no idea what I went through.I never ever had spoken to someone about those issues.I never acted with anyone else beside the molester mentioned above.Now comes the issue, since ever I feel like having a crush for men more then to woman, meaning to say I get very aroused by seeing cool guys or בחורים, like handsome young guys -  when at that time I start thinking of them or their sex life and I fantasize -  but it doesn't go further than fantasizes, I don't  do any action I just get aroused and this can happen sooo many times a day.  I have a hard time going to Mikva, I get crazy seeing naked young men. My question is would I be diagnosed as a Homo even though all of this doesn't interfere  with my wife's relationship or maybe am I a Bi-sexual.There are more details which I would like to share in the future.I am a respectful member in my community. Would people know whats going on in my head and what are my struggles they wouldn't  even take me as their super,  My question is - I am not sure if I should feel guilty about all the above because probably  G-D send me down on this world for that purpose to work on myself to become a good person BUT I NEED HELP - HOW CAN I GET RID OF THIS PROBLEM WHICH CARRIES AFTER ME LIKE A TAIL. If I go out on the street I can try to control my eyes not to look at woman which I try, but with this problem I confront whenever and wherever I go.
PLEASE SOMEONE WHO GOES THROUGH THIS AND HAS ANY  ADVISE PLEASE LET ME KNOW

hi there.  you have definitely come to the right place and you are in safe company here.  i have a few observations -
1) every time you are attracted to someone and don't act on it is an act of tzidkus.  You need to understand how great you must be in hashem's eyes.  it's the yetzer hara's job to cause the feeling of attraction and its your job to not act on it.  you are doing that and deserve all the credit.
2)i am not a professional but i believe that if you have a healthy relationship with your wife you don't need to worry about other labels - it is irrelevant
3)i am so sorry for what you went through, did you ever go for therapy for the molestation? i would think this would be first on the list.
4)Please come here often and connect with the oilam.  you will not be judged and you will find it helpful to realize that some of the things you are struggling with are perfectly normal and shared by many, many people.  You will learn to see yourself in a much more positive light and it will tremendously lighten your burden.

VETZEINGUT wrote on 05 Jan 2022 18:23:

Hiya, I'm no expert on this, but they are around here somewhere and will hopefully throw their opinions in.

One point from me - please dont mistake being a good person with having things still to work on. We are not asked to be perfect immediately. We are asked to have goals and to aim towards them. If you are gay, you are very lucky you are also in a great relationship. Think very carefully before making rash decisions. Move slowly towards your gaols. 

Hi
You did a great step by coming here and reaching out for help.

The fact that you were molested might be behind what you're going through.  Abuse leaves emotional scars that remain in the person's subconscious for life. Such a person may feel pain deep down, making them more prone to using "self-medicating" behaviors that help sooth their inner pain.

Also, when a person is abused, they are helpless and lack control over their circumstances. Later in life, this person may attempt to assert "control" by sexually acting-out by themselves. Subconsciously, they are seeking to regain a feeling of "control" over what they felt was out of their control, by using the same behavior that was done to them. (This is also why many abused tragically become abusers themselves).

I'll reach out to you in PM for further discussion.
Stay string and Hashem will help you heal. 

As long as your thoughts stay just thoughts and you stay away from acting on your thoughts, your ok. Your a normal person. We all have inappropriate and wierd thoughts from time to time. 



If you cant stop having the thoughts you don't want to have and they are intruding your mind to the point that its disturbing your life, I'd recommend talking to a professional. (they have professionals over here on Gye- you can email them and ask them how to get in contact with one)



And know that childhood sexual abuse can cause interesting sexual thoughts and orientations when we get older. So if your able, you can bring that up to a prefessional if your going to talk to one.



Your amazing for doing so much -having a good marraige -doing your job, all the while living with such thoughts and not letting them get in the way. Feel free to let us know how its going.

There is a lot of information here on the site about SSA (same sex attraction) Forums and Videos  they can help you shed light on your experiences. 

It is worth reaching out for professional help on that. 

Wishing you a healthy clean life!
Enjoy!

Yoinala

Hey. Your story is really touching. You've already come very far in life. I hope that these struggles end really quickly but act as a catalyst to get you even higher. You said if people would know what you are thinking, they wouldn't want to have anything to do with you. You would be surprised how many people say that to themselves. Your thoughts don't define you.