Hi Guys,
How are you?
Someone Pm'd me, so I guess people are reading my posts.
I feel weird because everyone is posting how they are doing. Some have good news, some just put emojies, and some dont post at all.
I havent posted in a while, BH I have school and work and BH with the fam bam, im busy all day.
Well Last week Thursday and 2 days before that which is about 11 days ago I was googling things and pictures that I shouldnt be doing. I was able to bypass my filter to see some nice stuff. Although only pictures, they were still nice. My filter even allowed me to go on google podcast and I was able to hear some nice stories too.
But then came the turning point. I told HHM that I just want to stop, so he told me stop. So I asked Hashem for 1 week. Just one week of no googling things and to be clear of these things.
By the way just on that topic, all these days were happening during the muttar period. I got sick during that period. my wife told me as long as you are sick there is nothing. and nothing happened we were together only once. I feel that because I did things that were not proper during that time, I got the pictures, but I didnt get the personal connection to my wife.
in any case 2 Thursday nights ago, I sent a whole email to gentch asking them to not allow me to google certain words.
I encourage you to do the same. if there are any words that you google to get some stimulation, then ask them to block it. We are all human. We have wants and tayvos. That is the way we were created. So if there is something getting you excited block it.
I was speaking to a co-worker today and I asked him if he plans on traveling with his family. He told me that his wife tries to stay away from any stressful situations. So if there is something triggering you, just block it.
In any case I could still go around it and see pictures anyway, since I figures out how to get around that too. But is this what I want? (I do) but I know where it will lead me so I would rather not.
So BH since that time I have BH been careful on the computer and on the other devices in our home that is not filtered.
I do my best
I am far from perfect. I have lots of work to do.
I would like to end off with a short story from Reb Aron Karliner a talmid of the magid of mezritch the talmid of the baal shem tov.
He gives the following mashul about excitment about yiddishkeit.
There were once 2 poor people in a city and a rich man.
The rich man one day approaches both poor people and he "lends" them a large some of money and gives them both a day to pay it back. He told them the money should be used to try to earn a living and to be self sustained.
The first poor man goes and squanders the money. He buys the nicest house and clothes for all his family members. He is the next guest of honor at the school dinner and sits at the mizrach vant in shul and get the third or sixth aliyah every shabbos. Before long there is not a cent left from the money he received from the rich man.
The other fellow takes it slow. He buys the bare minimum for his family and them goes to build up a business. He invests here and there and BH he begins getting money. Every time he makes money he puts back a few coins in his cup in order to pay back the rich man.
Pay day comes, and the first guy has no money to pay. The rich man gets furious and demands that every cent gets paid back in its entirety. The second man comes and he hands the money to the rich man and says thanks for your help and kindness and gives him back the money. The rich man said, you used the money well, you could keep it.
So what I learn from this story is, that I get excited over being clean. Its nice, when mikvah night comes around I am clean. everything is bliss. But... then comes those stressful times, when I get upset or I feel used out and I turn to my computer to look at pictures of women exercising.
Every day is a struggle and I tell myself, be careful. I am human and sometimes I get the better of myself and scum to those pictures.
But I know deep down I really want to be good. I know that I live in a world where there is a pritzus pandemic. I live in a country where being undressed is the best. every opportunity that women have to get take off clothes they do it.
Its tuff, we live in a tuff world.
All I could do is to do my best.
Thanks everyone
Eyes
