Hi All,

I started GYE more than a year ago and it helped me tremendously. 
Since i was 11 years old, i couldn't go more than a week without M*
After i got married, it (very) slowly got better. but Never got more than 3-4 week at the most. 
Since ive joined GYE, my life has changed completely. I am now somewhere around 250 days without M*. That. is. amazing. 
But.... Lately, my YH has started torturing me with new problems, i used to be very afraid to look at any bad images because i knew im going to M* right away, now, since i see that i can fight the urge, im not so afraid to look at some things here and there. nothing terrible because i have very strong filters, but still, bad for me.... its a new challenge. 
​Also, my main struggle was always with women so ive worked on that very long and i find it much easier to not give in to the urge of bad thoughts of women. So the YH found a way to make me desire other guys. now, i have no relief even when i go to Shul! Who is even talking about going to the Mikvah.... I used to go more often, now i go less and less. its just torture for me to go. 
That being said, im going to restart my count to 0 even though my main goal was stopping to M* and i still didn't give in. I want to go higher and therefore will be resetting the timer every time i do on of the following. 
1. I try to look for anything bad anywhere. Be it pictures, videos, or even books. 
2. I go to the Mikvha. I will hold back for 4 weeks completely and then re-evaluate. 

I hope somebody understand what im going thru. Its very hard on me. 
I hope that someone has some ideas for me. 

Welcome!
Of course we understand you.
Many of us had gone through that too.
I'm glad to hear that you are so many days clean of masturbation. Truly amazing!!
I've had my share of SSA (same sex attraction) too.
There is hope.
There's a special forum for ssa, you may find some threads helpful over there. 

Hatzlacha!
HappyYid

tahoreiniyim wrote on 05 Apr 2021 18:35:

Before I was 'sober' from ssa, when I went to the mikvah, I would to switch to glasses instead of wearing my lenses like I usually wear, and I have a high prescription so that helped...

That is a good idea. I remeber when i had glasses it was so much easier. 
Anyway, today i had to go to the mikvah so i went. and BH had the strength not to  look and just in and out in 9 minutes. 

Someone once asked his rebbi what are the best Kavanos when going to the mikvah... The rebbi replied "in and out ASAP" ... 
There were many big tzadikim that had this avodah of in & out with extreme speed. Spending too much tie there is not good for anyone & especially for people that struggle... 
Wishing you hatzlacha!

Thanks!
I think ill take a break of Mikvah for a few weeks. 
No reason to put myself in a position of failure. 
I actually believe that has Chazal been in this time and seen how a mikva looks it wouldve been banned.... It was not meant to be like this. 
back 75 years it was a quick dip in freezing lake or something. not a bathhouse where every pervert can get his every wish... (I include myself in that). Young boys were deff never meant to go. I dont understand why people take young boys to the mikvah, it takes there whole inocesne away from them. they lose the embarrassment thats a Yiddish kid needs to have. 
Anyway, enough ranting for one day...

Thanks everyone. 

tahoreiniyim wrote on 07 Apr 2021 15:46:

Exactly.  how many young souls got ruined in the name of kedusha.  

tahoreiniyim wrote on 05 Apr 2021 18:35:

Wow I like the way your using the day counter! As a motivational tool rather then defining you! 
if I can just add a few ideas… feel free to disregard whatever you feel doesn’t apply. 
1. Out thoughts create our feelings which effects our actions.. how about paying attention to which thoughts make you feel more pent up inside? Perhaps it can be feeling that you must masturbate to relieve yourself or fantasizing on how alleviating masturbation will feel. Etc. 
2. building clarity on why not to act on your lust and search up inappropriate material. 
3. Trying to avoid as much lust from the get-go by Building clarity on why thinking bad thoughts will never bring you to a good place can be very very helpful! you’ll feel less of a tayvah to search for inappropriate content etc. because once we stop thinking bad thoughts we won’t have the need to search for it altogether.
4. Understanding overall tayvah never lives up! 
How about taking a few sheets of paper and writing all this out and creating a strong foundation of clarity in the beginning of this new fresh start? And perhaps you’ll review it here and there and it’ll be super helpful!