Shalom.
I have been a member of GYE since 5774; however, I did not join the forum until more recently. In the beginning, back in 5774 when I did not own an electronic device with Internet access, I had a healthy fear of inappropriate material. I found GYE through an add via Arutz Sheva; and, using public internet, I signed up for the chizuk emails, mostly as preventative medicine. Unfortunately around that time, I did view on occasion, mildly inappropriate material on public internet, yet, inapropriate nonetheless. No rationalization necessary.
Until the past several years I had no private access to the internet. I eventually acquired a small tablet; however, I refused at that point to get a router, even though the apartment complex charged a monthly fee for internet use, that I had been paying for years, because that is part of my rent. So, I finally decided on a router, sure enough of myself that I was capable of preventing a worst case scenario of falling prey to shmutz in the privacy of my own apartment.
Yet, I am not a tzaddik; in fact, I am only baal teshuvah wih a Conservative religious background. Albeit, I do not consider myself an internet addict, per se, even though I can easily recognize the addictive pattern that leads me back to inappropriate material every now and then. I do not spend very much time looking at inappropriate photos on the internet; nor, do I get caught up in watching any inappropriate videos for more than a few minutes at a time. Yet, even two minutes or less of viewing photos or watching videos is two minutes too much. Recently, in the past several days I fell in a way that should serve as a wake-up-call. H'Shem willing.
I feel that my two greatest "enemies," aside from the yetzer hara, are complacency and rationalization. I know that I need to discern the key issues in my life - the root of the problem - in order to sincerely change. H'Shem willing, through journaling, heshbon hanefesh, and perhaps counseling, if an ideal situation presents iiself to me. I also have not made the step of finding an accountablity partner to sign up on my filter-accountability app. I am a writer as well as a blogger; so, at this point, I need to balance my writing activities with proper use of the Internet. Looking forward to a renewal at Pesach; perhaps, even my own personal yam suf. H'Shem willing.
