Hi, 

I'm having a hard time today so i thought I'd introduce myself because it helps to be active here. Also I know that when i have interesting things to check out on GYE it helps me stay away from other things, so maybe this will be interesting for someone else.

I grew up in a slightly modern family that moved towards yeshivish values as i grew up. 
My first encounter with sex was when i was about 11. A friend of mine introduced me to the topic with a chumash to prove it.
(I didn't believe him) 
From their i discovered masterbation and used to do it very frequently. I only had access to womens magazines and the like but it was more than enough. 
I dont remember feeling guilty about M until i got the "talk" at 14 and was told it was wrong. (too little too late)
after that i would try to stop or at least limit my habit but that all changed when a friend in high school showed me a P magazine. The images there made me super curious about women and I couldnt stop thinking about what i saw. I knew that there was P availible on the internet but the wifi at home was password protected. 
Unfortunately that didn't stop me and I figured out how to get the password off a connected device in the house. 
I kept it a secret that i had access and would only use the internet at night when everyone was sleeping. I would sometimes stay up till 5 am just surfing through all the shmutz. (I was mostly reading inappropriate stories not watching for a few hours straight.) 
At that point I was feeling guilty from it but due to the circumstances i was in at the time, I don't think I ever tried to stop. 
In the years that followed I would try to stop occasionally but always reasoned that i was single and to a certain extent it was to be expected. I always told myself when i get married I would stop! (Like so many others on this forum I thought being married would help)
Eventually i did get married and resolved to stop cold. I made sure we had no smart devices, and any computers had a strong filter. But to my surprise my little habit was lying in wait for my newlywed bliss to subside to rear its ugly head, and I have this issue until today.
Somehow I always managed to get around every filter or obstacle.
(still a problem now but its a little better.)
My wife didn't know my secret and I was dying from guilt and shame but felt powerless against the yh and the enticing pull of fantasy. 
Some people have intimacy issues and then turn to P but that was not the case with me. It made me feel good when I felt down about myself and I just couldn't shake it.
Eventually we got smartphones with very good filters but I am pretty techy and I figured out how to get the filter on and off at will without my filter admin knowing (the filter was supposed to send an email to him).
Around that time I again tried to stop but my whole strategy consisted of just not doing it, which as you can imagine it just didn't work.

To be continued when i have some more time.

Wow HY!
It seems that our job in this generation is to fight off the toughest battles and win! We know that Hashem does not test someone without giving him the ability to overcome the challenges. 
Always remember that you are not alone in this fight. We're in it together and we will WIN together with the help of Hashem.
Keep posting, keep connected and keep STRONG!!!

Wishing you much hatzlocha!

Keep us posted 

EvedHashem

That's definitely something I relate to. Took me a long time to get over that and not use porn as my go to for making myself feel better. Now I use food :-) 

Welcome to the family Hy! 

I found that posting on the forums is a tremendous help! Please stick around here you will get inspired and inspire others! 

Hatzlacha! 
Anothershot 

bego wrote on 09 Feb 2021 17:30:

Haha I am actually noticing that when i'm on any sort of streak my other vices get magnified. Hopefully i'll learn to have control with those other things when i can kick this addiction!

Continuing, with my story.
I was happly married my wife was oblivious for the most part and i was happy to keep it that way. I had a few close calls but nothing to worrying. 

Eventually I got a new phone with a much better filter and I decided not to do the technical work to set up the phone as a free for all. (there were other benefits to what i was doing, not just being able to trick the filter.) Thankfully the technical work would need to be done before the filter is installed so now it would be more work to get done and I dont have the time to do it. BH

Once my phone was no longer an option I needed to find another way to get my fix. (i never thought of it like that, or set out to break the filter. It was always a progression of pushing the filters limits until i found a hole.)
The home computer was the next access point. I would find shmutz and send it to my phone by email. It was terrible and I felt horrible especially because i spent sooo much time preparing for the fall. It felt even worse than with my phone because it really needed to be premeditated.

Eventually my wife found something on the computer (she used it primarily) and called me in work asking me about it. I felt so ashamed but ultimately i couldn't deny it and i fessed up. I felt so free to be able to share with her. We have a very close relationship and it really bothered me that I couldn't tell her for a long time. (totally added to my guilt about porn and masturbation)
Understandably she felt betrayed along with many other emotions. Needless to say it was a tough period, but somehow she started to understand that it had nothing to do with our relationship and also nothing to do with her. 
I think a big part of why she was so upset was because I lied to her for so long. 
To be continued...

Hy wrote on 16 Feb 2021 11:08:

Funny that, isn't it. You'd think its the opposite as people talk about having self-control like its something you have or you don't. I find its more complicated than that and I have a limited amount of will-power I can apply to different places.  

bego wrote on 16 Feb 2021 14:48:

Or working on the surface without fixing the core issue. Are you playing Whack-a-mole?

I hear that.

But I dont think so. I think I'm normal. I have a job, wife, children religion (read into the order what you will, I thought of that before writing) and i need sleep, learning, sex and other fun. I reckon thats fairly normal. Some people on here say they've become perfect. Others say they've never achieved anything. Both are unlikely to be true. 

Basically, i dont go for this imaginary scenario where I'll be this perfect jew with perfect self control. it just doesn't work for me. Not even sure it's Jewish. Sounds vaguely Christian... 

bego wrote on 16 Feb 2021 15:10:

I agree with you Bego. 
Human being are designed to have "perfect imperfections"... We are not angles and Hashem does not want us to be perfect. My goal is to try my best and not to fool myself in ether direction (not to try to be perfect and not to ignore whatever I do accomplish...)

bego wrote on 16 Feb 2021 14:48:

Agreed. And there are also ways to improve/maximize/replenish willpower, but essentially it is limited.

I think they call it white nuckling in AA if you just rely on self control, which is another way of saying, it won't work long term, and you need to work on yourself.

Hi hy! thanks for telling us your story, looking forward to the next installment.