Buddy I'm sorry to hear about your fall. 

in my humble opinion, your doing great, no need to stress about it, as the saying used to go here... Fell, shmell...  just dust off and keep going, maybe in 10 days or so, you can try to think what you could've done to not fall in such a situation, to know for the future. But for now... Keep on Trucking!

@ Avrohom,

Thank you for your warm words. I read over my previous post & I really gained from going over it. Yes I must internalise once again that I am human after all, and falls do happen.

Thank you.

Markz wrote on 14 Nov 2021 13:03:

Dear R Markz,

I beg to differ:
Firstly, society today is generally very unhealthy, which is a nicer term for the word "sick". 
Secondly, it's more likely than not that the average encounter between a non Jewish boy & girl is NOT because they are in a long term relationship.
Thirdly, So what, if its normal in non Jewish circles to act in such a filthy way?!
Fourthly, Yes, it makes me feel sick to see a girl being "used" like that, it's filthy and sick to manipulate others to fulfil our own desires, specifically in this area. 
Lastly, As HHM has taught me, it is imperative we work on not being so selfish by using our wives to make ourselves feel good, but to genuinely care for them and be in tune with their needs. What I witnessed - however tempting it may have seemed- was the complete opposite.

Thank you,
Excellence

@ David T,

I just looked up this אור החיים, such beautiful words. Thank you so much for sharing. 

We believe that when we see things accidentally on the street, it is b'hashgacha elyona. Why you had to see this vulgar act is not something any of us can explain, but know that it was part of Hashem's plan for your story. (Obviously one should stop watching as soon as one realizes what's going on, but hey, we are all human, and can all understand why you kept looking back....) 

One thought that came to mind. Obviously the yetzer hara had to take out one of his real heavyweight tricks out of the bag to get you to fall. The typical Internet viewing etc obviously BH does not entice you as in the past, and he knew he had to attack with mega force. Even this super triggering matzav took 3 hours!! I don't know about you, but if this would have happened to me in my early stages of getting clean, i would have been finished in 5 minutes max - and then would have come back for more.... Take it as a compliment tzaddik. And tell the yetzer hara, he shouldn't bother trying this tactic again, because it really didn't speak to you once it was over, so you don't plan on rach"l heading downhill with such an experience again. Keep inspiring us.

@HHM, Thank you for taking the time to share with me such heartfelt words. They really touched me.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 16 Nov 2021 12:16:

My apologies, but he knew enough that the non-Jewish boy was sick; he knew enough that he was trying to seduce her; he knew enough that it was for three hours. This was not Hashgachah Elyonah (more than anything else in the world). This was an ordinary occurrence of which this fellow was not able to control himself, or was able and didn't want to, and he had a good time for three hours.

All those words: "non-Jew," "seduce," "sick," "poor girl" - are just ways to lay the blame elsewhere.

Trouble wrote on 16 Nov 2021 14:06:

The initial trigger is what HHM is referring to, I've yet to see something so enticing on the street. 

Yes, i was referring to the initial trigger.

Looking back, I believe that I only continued to look out the window, because I had already experienced a number of urges/slips over the previous few days prior to my fall, especially on the morning of the fall. Had I handled those urges better and not acted on them at all, it is much more likely that I would of shut the shutters and moved on, since at it's early stages the trigger wasn't that strong as it started off mildly and only later got worse.

Anyway, what's more important is that today is Day 3.

excellence wrote on 17 Nov 2021 13:02:

May I disagree?
I would say the more important thing is the recognition that your actions have consequences and that challenges don't just fall out of the sky...

Day 11

Good to see you back!

I'm back.... if anyone remembers me.... (you're welcome to find out about me at the beginning of this thread)

To try keep it short: I have had ups & down's, Life was too busy to keep logging in. I made F2F my focus but I simply didn't have enough time for that either. I now plan on continuing with F2F, and perhaps posting here a little bit.

I just want to point out one thing: 
I have come to the realization that the only way I stand a chance is by being constantly alert and not slipping into auto pilot mode, that is when the Yetzer Hora jumps out and gets me. I need to internalise that the same way an alcoholic cannot smell wine, I cannot afford to allow myself to come close to falling at all. However being that this is not always possible, I must constantly, at least once a day prepare myself for that day. I suppose an alcoholic also needs to prepare himself before he goes shopping, likewise i must prepare myself too.

If you daven every day, you can build some of that preparation work into your davening. I also find that it is very helpful to have it as part of your going to sleep and/or waking up routine