Hi everyone
back again
I haven't kept in touch with the forum for a long time, perhaps I felt it wasn't helping me, or maybe I just wasn't involved enough.
I've had a pretty rough time lately with my addiction, it's getting a lot worse, and it's affecting my life, as I'm doing things in inappropiate places.
I'm going through a bit of a rough time emotianally, I'm finding it really herd to keep a seder and to stay in some sort of mizgeret. I wake up late every day, my parents get pissed off. I get pissed off, I'm always anxious about things, and therefore I fall much easier, pretty much without a fight, like today, for example, i made a resolution to be clean for a week, I woke up late in the morning, I left my teffilin on a yishuv somewhere, I found it really hard to get organised and just get moving. I ended up davening really late and starting my day really late, like after midday. I was really pissed off, but I still said that I'm not going to slip up. Meanwhile I went on a computer with a filter. I was feeling vulnerable and it all went downhill, starting with something as lame as Wikipedia. I'm feeling really weak. I don't feel like I have any goals and I'm too tired and can't be bothered getting up and doing something about it, whenever i try changing things it only ends up lasting for a week or two, so whats the point?
Last week i also had a tough time, there was one day where I was feeling so anxious and depressed that I was thinking of going to hospital, it can get very scary.
and I don't even feel like I can help the depression, it's just there, because I feel like I'm not in control.
If ure just going to repeat over what Rav Nachman says, how u should never give up, don't bother, i already know that, it still doesnt help.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
Hashem Help meee!!!
I never wanted to do it, i still don't want to do it, all I want to do is to get close to you and learn your holy Torah.
Why do you make it so hard! PLZ give me the strength to keep on fighting, PLZ give me the strength to be happy, Plz give me the strength to fight the Yetzer Horoh, to strangle it from all it's desires and strengths and sadness!!!!

Net

yeh, hi
I feel that because i got my thoughts down on to paper I can think a bit clearer now.
It's not my fault that I have this addiction, I didn't bring it upon myself.
Hashem has given me this Nisoyon, to fight  it, no point in getting all freaking depressed over it.
I was just reading another guys post about how he wanted to commit suicide.
It pisses me off to see how far the Yetzer Horoh will go to conceal the truth.
the TRUTH is is thats its only a nisoyon, hashem is on your side, if you fall, as they say in Yidddish
Nisht Gerferlach, move on, what happened, happened, like the baal shem tov said,
"The Yetzer Horoh doesn't care about the sin, what he really wants, he's whole intent of bringing you down to do the Aveira, was to get you depressed, because depression can accomplish what nothing else can accomplish!"
THE WHOLE KAVONOH WAS THE DEPRESSION, THAT'S WHAT HE WANTS,
so you know what, Mr Y"H, you mamzer, I'm not going to get depressed, I'm going to stand up tall and keep on fighting, I'm going to squash you, I'm going to bloody pulverise you and kill you, and I'm going to stay happy.
Hashem wanted me to fall. it was Hasgocoh Protis, hashem isn't angry with me, coz of it, he knows I was in a vulnerable position, he knows my yaitzer Horoh tricked me into it, what hashem wnats is is that i should learn from this and gird myself for next time, so Iy"h I'll come back on in two hours with my conclusion and resolutions.
so take that you ......., yetzer Horoh.
(btw) I'm still a shtikl depressed, I dont know if I really believe what I wrote, whateva.

Your soul believes what you wrote. Thank you for writing yourself Chizuk, you saved me the bother :-) You hit the nail right on the head. And you know, I was just going to write you that your depression, lack of motivation, Yiush and hopelessness are signs that your soul is in sync with the spiritual channels of this time of year. Tonight is Ta'anis Ester, and that is exactly what the Jews all felt then. There seemed to be no hope at all. They were all destined to die a horrible death. And this deep helplessness led them to true teffilah and Teshuvah, and hence the great salvation of Purim! So I ask you please, this Purim you should get good drunk and cry and cry to Hashem. Kol Haposeach Yad Nosnim Lo. You will see miracles you never dreamed were possible!

I dont thing depression is ever connected to the soul, its always coming from the Yetzer Horoh, it explains in chassidus, that to a certain extent even depression or Charatah over sins comes from a certain level in Klipah, which is one of the many reaons why Chazal instiuted special times to think about aveyros, like in Tikkun Chatzos, and in Krias Shema Sheal hamitah. It says by Kedusah, Oz Vechedva Bimkomo, that by Hashem there is only simcha, simcha stems from kedusha, its famous what the Arizal said about Simcha.
on the Pasuk in the Techocho, curses can come if u dont serve hashem besimcha.
So along comes the y"h and puts a veil over ure eyes and says, mate, forget about what the Baal Shem Tov says, forget about what the Arizal says, forget about what the TORAH SAYS!!. be a KOFER, and get depressed, the crazyest thing is. is that we're stupid enough to fall for it!

Net, you (and a few others that wrote me today) inspired me to make an announcement on the forum.
See here: rehab-my-site.com/guardureyes/forum/index.php?board=5.0

As far as your point below, it is SO TRUE. Listen to this 5 minute audio clip.

by the way... Harav GUE
stam, tell me if this is true, but I think Taanis Esther was a happy day in a way, beacuse the jews were allowed to go out and plunder the non-jews, and since everyone was out fighting the only one not fighting was Esther, so she had to fast, but they knew form the outset, that they were going to win.
The Sefer Kav HaYosher says the following: Taanis Esther is a day that is very auspicious for one’s prayers to be answered in the merit of Mordechai and Esther. Whoever needs mercy for any particular needs should put aside time for themselves and do the following: First, recite Chapter 22 in Tehilim. Then, pour out your heart to Hashem and ask for all your needs and mention the merit of Mordechai and Esther (whose merits saved us from Haman). The Gates of Mercy will be opened and your prayers will be accepted beratzon.

I think I also learned that Taanis Ester was instigated to remember the 3 days of fasting that the Yidden did when they heard about the Gezeira and Ester told them: "Lech Kenos Es kol Hayehudim, Ve'Tzumu alai...ve'al tochlu ve'al ishtu shloshes yamim, laylah ve'yom. Vegam ani ve'narosai atzum kein"... Every year we remember that it was through teshuvah, fasting and prayer that we merited the great salvation. So yes, you are right. It is a VERY auspicious time for Teffilos to be answered!

Esther is the attribute of "hester". This means that it is ALL hidden. This is the Megilas Esther. This means to be "Megaleh the Hester",i.e. megilas Esther.
  Purim is the highest level of Hester, this is why it is so great. This is what everyone is experiencing. The hester is so great because the Kedusha is so unbelievably awesome.
  The "hester-Esther" is so great, (everyone is experiencing feelings of yiush, feelings that the big Y"H is running the show now, feelings that "what's the use", etc, etc,
  This is what Hashem does when the kedusha is SO great. He makes it "look" as if the Y"H, the big klipah is running the show. That is the hester, i.e. the attribute of "Esther". Hashem took  Hamen, the klipah of Amalek, and raised him up up up, so high....why? Because when the kedusha is so great, the absolute nefila gemura of the klipa must be just as great, thus the raising up high....before the eventual downfall. This is what everyone is experiencing right now. He must be lifted up now, in order to maintain the level of "hester" that we find in Purim.
  The kedusha of Purim is so great. Even Yom Kippurim is not as kodesh as Purim. This is why it is only K' Purim, (i.e. close to but not exactly). The kedusha of Purim is so great, that unlike Shabbos, and the other Yom Tovim, there is no need to be M'kadesh the day, nor to refrain from melacha. It does not need any shmirah from melacha in order to maintain it's kedusha. And, the entire yeshuah from the klipah was accomplished by the strongest of all weapons.....Teffilah. Anyone feeling any pain from the hester, go and speak to hashem...non stop. Use our weapon of mass destruction. The weapon of Mordechi, and the Tinukkos Shel Bais Raban.

Thank you ME! You couldn't have said it better!! I think I'll send out my announcement along with your comments in tomorrows Chizuk e-mail!!

By the way, Net. you wrote:




That's a BIG mistake. Do you know how precious, how infinitely precious, a week or two of sexual purity is in Hashem's eyes??

And do you realize that it is PRECISELY through these few weeks at a time of staying clean, that will assure that you will ULTIMATELY triumph over the Yetzer Hara? Even though it seems insignificant, every little thing a person does to purify themselves in today's crazy world where the Yetzer Hara was given full reign - is unfathomably great in Hashem's eyes!

But of-course the Yetzer Hara won't let you see that. His job is to make you feel that if you can't have it ALL - you may as well give up.

DROWN OUT HIS LIES WITH THE GRAGGER! SMASH HIM!!

homan, says the bnei yissaschar, WAS the yater hora(since he was from amalek, it also had something to do ith the nachash, it as a long vort) - and the kav hayasher says that when you stmp on the floor during laining, you're giving homan such gehinnom..so all that racket you made during laining was really hurting the yatzer hora(at least from what I understand from those two seforim)

Net, Bochur28 is willing to be a partner/sponsor by phone (see this post here). Maybe you want to take him up on that? He is in Israel...

reb guard - I live in brooklyn, not eretz yisroel