Understanding and Talking to Children About Molestation - Rabbi Shimon Russell

Hello, I haven't posted in a long time about my journey, part of it is cuz I am not that good at writing and it doesn't come easy to me, but I think that maybe by writing more often it will help.

So here goes, I am up to 254 days clean from porn and mb, I had some better days and some tough days but bh managed to stay clean. However, there's one thing that has been - and still is - a major struggle for me, and that is, staring at women, be it at a simcheh neighbors, in the street, and also at work when interacting with them, I just keep obsessing over them, and keep on looking for reasons to need (?) to interact. it drives me crazy..

I did the F2F Program a long time ago, and I started again now, iam hoping that this will help

Anyone with advice on how to get over this?

Tia

willdoit wrote on 11 Apr 2024 21:22:

The only thing that works for me is Constant vigilance.
Each time i walk out anywhere I tell myself every reminder that I can, why I dont want to look ( basically, all the Vayimaen videos) 

willdoit wrote on 11 Apr 2024 21:22:


this works wonders,
next time go over to the women your staring at and ask her if she wants to have sex.
keep us posted 

willdoit wrote on 11 Apr 2024 21:22:

250 days clean? Truly legendary!

I looked at some of your thread, have you considered/done therapy? My armchair/unqualified advice it that it sounds like you're not necessarily dealing with a lust issue and perhaps more of some sort of obsession/mild ocd issue and it may be more effective to approach it from that direction.

Next time you find yourself staring, go ask her if she minds you staring at her. Tell her it stimulates you and causes sexual reactions. When she is finished screaming, biting and scratching you, and having you arrested, you won't do it again. Another choice - ask your wife if she minds that you are staring at another woman to get aroused.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 15 Apr 2024 11:11:

This is very powerful advice. 
Of course you wont go talk to your wife or that woman. But thinking like this will make you aware of how many people you are effecting and how badly. 
Its not about feeling guilty, that wont help you. Its about explaining it to your mind that staring and fantasizing is a very destructive behavior and not something that you actually want. 
Untill you do that, your mind will fool you into thinking its harmless. 
Bringing into focus and realizing that its not harmless will give you more options. 
Choose wisely. 

Okay, So I fell after being clean from mb for 275 days. clean from mb and porn, that's all, meaning, that within these 275 days I still struggled very much, not so much with the urge to mb, but rather with the lust feelings as I mentioned earlier in this thread.
I feel hope and hopeless at the same time, I feel angry why I need to go thru all this. I read the the book "the battle of our generation", I went thru the the F2F program, and did put into action, And I JUST CANT THESE CRAZY STUFF OUT OF ME.
I am not sure why I am writing all this cuz I don't recall that by sharing it got any better, Guess I just need to get out.

Some might suggest that Iam an addict and I need something more than GYE, However, per my therapist, I dont fit the criteria. In addition going to meetings isnt an option for me for many reasons. so....

Don't beat yourself up too much for falling. 275 days clean is a very long time. Pick yourself up, make necessary adjustments and continue on your journey. Don't be upset about the fact that you still have struggles. As humans we will always have struggles to some extent. There is nothing wrong with that and it is to be expected. These are opportunities for growth and they make our life meaningful. Keep on monster trucking.

To the previous posters point. For the last month or so I have been dealing with manic feelings that I thought I put to bed nearly six years ago. The point is yes you struggled yes you gave in that doesn’t change the work you put in you aren’t the same person from 275 days ago just like I’m not the same person from six years ago, true the mania of the last month has destroyed for me a great deal. But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m not the person I was six years ago just because I had a rough month that has destroyed so much. Pick yourself up, get back on the horse one day isn’t going to destroy you unless you let it. It’s just that simple 

willdoit wrote on 02 May 2024 15:06:

And last night again...

Dude, you clearly can pick yourself up from a fall and get right back in it. If I was consistently going 200+ days with occasional falls in between I'd be ecstatic. 
I empathize with the yiush on feeling lust even while clean, but being clean from porn and masturbation is not a small thing. It's huge. Accept the crazy stuff, stop beating yourself up. Pick yourself up. And keep on crushing it.

Hey, here’s an admiring and empathetic hug. 

I’ve gone through my own version of some of these feelings, (though by the help of Hashem I’m about to hit a year). I think it’s important to internalize the understanding that we are not guilted for having the crazy urges inside , they are the reality that we are given to deal with today. The main thing is what I’m going to do with those urges. 

Yup, past performance impacts what plays on the internal screen, and my previous actions may be at fault for the zoo that exists inside of me sometimes. But in who you and me are today that’s not a problem.  The problem is only what are we going to do about it, in action, in our life, in our choices going forward. 

And the interior zoo get better with time, slowly. It’s just that our interiors take longer to change, that’s all. And the changes are subtle. But you must belive the truth that you are NOT the same person you were a half a year ago and you won’t be the same in a year. 

stop the self-loathing. That’s a great and terrible tool of the Soton to get you to fall again. 

Hang on no matter what for 3 days and you’ll imyH be back up on the wagon. 

You’re a fighter, a dreamer, and YOU WILL DO IT. 

Here’s a warm hand, 
Chaimoigen

Thank you all for your responses, Its greatly appreciated.. And a special thanks to reb Chaim, ur words mean a lot to me. So my plan going forward is to start the F2F program and put in more effort on each of the steps..