Hi all,

I'm writing just to get this off my chest a bit. 
I recently had a issue with a unfiltered device in my house.
Long story short I told my wife we need to get rid of it and we did.
That was one of the hardest steps I've ever taken in my struggle and i still feel bad that i told my wife and got rid of it (meaning i wish i still had access to it).
Interestingly right now i'm just in a constant struggle for the last few weeks. 
I just came off a 40 day record when we got the device.
It feels like im in a tailspin in a sense and im having a hard time getting my heart back on the program even though my head knows that I already made the sacrifice I'm still having a very hard time.

Thanks for reading.

Congratulations on doing the right thing by getting rid of the unfiltered device.
This desire is more powerful than us, and if we try to fight it head on we will almost always lose. Once we are standing at the edge of the cliff, we are very vulnerable to falling off of it. Instead, we must stay as far away from the edge of the cliff as possible. Therefore, one of the most powerful tools in this struggle is making good fences.

​Hashem will definitely help you get to new great records and be an ultimate winner in this battle!  

Hy wrote on 21 Dec 2020 21:04:

So my friend, how are we doing? 

Grant400 wrote on 27 Dec 2020 20:01:

So what are the hard steps you are taking?

Hows it goin buddy? Keep us updated on ur journey 

Thank you for showing interest! It really means allot to me.I'm on the 90 day program 30 days in and the last week or so has been really hard. I have good filters on all my devices but there's always something that gets through (either on purpose ie. me actively looking for it or by mistake)I'm really trying to keep it going and have been trying to stay clean. I got back on gye yesterday and it's actually been helping. (I didn't think it would) I guess its a mix of being busy online with good things during my free time and being forced to face reality in regards to my struggle. Something I've been doing to stay clean are setting incentives for myself for a certain amount of time clean.It does help but as I get towards the end it starts getting harder.Any other suggestions you feel might help?​(I signed up for the partner program but I feel too vulnerable to actually take a partner)

Hey HY,

Thank you for updating!
Please keep us updated.

Congratulations on 30 days! How are you celebrating this milestone?

For me around 30 days was tough but it should be getting abit easier soon.

I hope so! My best streak was 40 days so I'm getting a bit antsy. 
I'm celebrating by getting a nice bottle of bourbon bh!
How did you celebrate?

Hy wrote on 27 Jan 2021 06:21:

Baruch HaShem sounds great!
Definitly sticking around and updating your journey helps a lot to combat the internal loneliness/pent up stress etc which often causes one to “act out.”

@Grant always talks about “changing how we view sexuality.” I’ll let him talk about that, he’s great at it.

Hatzlocha and keep in touch!

YeshivaGuy

It is a bracha that your wife is on board. The secrecy some guys have to live with is a major pressure. Iyh it will help you have an easier time breaking free.

Yes I can relate. I was once in the secrecy boat until she caught me...
It was mortifying at the time but in my personal situation it really helped me get to where I am now actually working on it.

So, weekly update (i hope that becomes a thing for me).

Last week was very hard for me, I was consumed by the desire to just look and take peaks etc., it was very tough but ultimately I stayed clean bh.

Had a challenge worth mentioning, There is one unfiltered computer i technically have access to in work, I logged in and loaded a site, thankfully I had to leave and shut it down right away. (I wasn't so thankful in the moment)

The person who uses the computer asked me if someone touched their computer. I don't think i left a trace but who knows? All i know is that's not an option for me anymore. 
(for me its enough of a deterrent that a coworker starts asking questions even if they wouldn't find out what i was looking at...)

So far this week started off pretty tame so I'm hopeful that I'll have an easier week!

Good luck and shavua tov everyone!

I just fell.
I was feeling tired, down, and just bad about myself. It didn't help that I have a bunch of free time on my hands. 

But on a positive note, this streak was 36 days! a real accomplishment for me.

My goal now is not to let this fall drag on.
For example, my brain: Well i just fell yesterday and I'm only at 1 day clean so its no biggie if i just look at this.....
Often when i fall it drags into a weeklong lust fest since i feel bad and guilty from falling.

I believe that this time will be different because I'm here on GYE and posting, it should give me some sort of accountability and (even though anonymous) it will definitely help.
Also I know one of the reasons Ive lasted this long is because ive been more active here. 

Looking forward to 90!
HY

Hy wrote on 02 Feb 2021 15:25:

We feel your pain!
You haven’t lost anything that you've gained until now. You simply have to get up and continue from where we left off.
Davka by having to renew your determination from the ground up, you are rocketed into a much closer Kesher with Hashem than you ever had before!

A hiker climbed up a mountain for 36 days. Unfortunately he took a wrong step and stumbled into a ditch. He was devastated and initially had an urge to roll down the mountain. But then he thought for a moment and said to himself,"Let me climb out of the ditch and bandage my wound. Let me also plan ahead to hike better and avoid pitfalls. And while catching my breath i can enjoy this beautiful view from 36 days up. The air is much cleaner here."