Hi fellas. I'm not even sure who is on this platform anymore. To all the old chevra, if you're still around, I miss you. To all the new guys, welcome! 

I had a pretty awesome streak for some time. Then, when things became difficult in every area of my life, I jumped right back into my old ways. At this point, everything feels like it's achieved a strange equilibrium. Things have gotten easier with my job and leaving Kollel in general, but at the same time, I don't feel like I'm growing at all in my Judaism. I have a few things that I try to hold on to, but even those are the bare minimum. I'm not OTD or anything, but I am hardly doing any positive obligations of Yiddishkeit. I hope to tip the scales back towards doing the things I know will fulfill me and give me purpose. But if more stressors are added to my life, I'm afraid I will backslide into the dark place where I recently found myself.

A GYE friend and I decided to go for 90 days. Today is Day 0 as I messed up already. I will post tomorrow for Day 1. I hope he decides to join me in posting our journeys.  

I just read through your whole thread. It is amazing to see how much you changed throughout your journey from your starting point. As HHM once posted, your problem seems to be anxiety and not masturbation. It is possible that the same is true for your religious practice. Perhaps through resolving your anxiety you will find it easier to be more involved in your Yiddishkeit. You once posted that you were going to try out Urge Surfing. Did you find that Urge Surfing or other meditation exercises on GYE resolve or heal your anxiety?

I found that Urge Surfing, SOBER and other mindfulness exercises calm me down very much. I used Urge Surfing for anxiety even without a sexual urge and I labeled my Urge as anxiety. I used to have panic attacks and ever since I have been doing these exercises I have been successful in lowering my anxiety level to 2-3 out of 10. For about a year my anxiety level is almost always 0-2 and I almost never have to do mindfulness exercises anymore. Medicine also helped but it was primarily the exercises on GYE that got me to where I am today. My diagnosis is bipolar disorder and anxiety is only a secondary illness.

well when ya got my illness of anxiety+OCD then try urge surfing, mindfulness and SOBER it ain't fun sir!

Wait an I doing this right???......Is this the correct way to do mindfulness????........how long, slow and deep is that breath supposed to be????????........is this actually gonna work or help?????...........what the bleepaty bleep do you mean veiw your whole body from above are you sopposed to see both your stomache and back at the same tme??? a 360 panamaric view??? just the front????.....this urge surfing thing is killing me!!!!.....why is it sopposed to work????....do i feel the urge too much????? too little???? just tottally wrong?????......AAAAARGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

azivashacheit101 wrote on 20 Feb 2025 14:01:

Don't mind the spelling people, you see misspelling is part of my personal form of mindfulness........you see when you take a deep breath (with an unclear & unspecified amount of deapth, pace or time) and stare deeply into the utter deapth of a misspelled word... then eventually you will pass into a deep slumber and climb out of your mind to the realm of a spiritual  holyistic out of body experiance.... you will then decend in peacful meditation back into you battered body with a new and improved hallucanating mind and soul.....try it guys it may just work for you.


all kidding aside I'm not knocking mindfulness it just makes me personally crazy (or more crazy I should say I'm a wackjob without it too!)

I guess you would be better off with something like Distraction where you get involved in something fun and enjoyable that is readily available. I don't think it would get rid of anxiety but it would at least give you the a different option instead of falling. Are there any other tools that worked for you?

Day 1. Started with a stressful morning as usual. It took a bit to gain my footing after that. I came home to some chaos but it wasn't too bad. Overall I feel depressed. I can't mess up on Day 1 though, so I think I am good to go for the rest of the night.

I don't remember committing to trying urge surfing, but it sounds like something to look into. I have OCD+anxiety also, but I have found mindfulness and acceptance to be helpful, and to accept the OCD thoughts that come up at the time as part of the exercise. 

Day 2. Classic stressful Friday. Didn't have tome to fall (though to be fair to myself, that didn't stop me on previous Fridays). Day 90 seems very very far away. I think I am good for today. Good Shabbos. 

Shabbos, Day 3. Was fine, didn't have much motivation to fall. Sunday. Worst days ever invented. Kids are cooped up at home, everyone is grating on each other's nerves. The one day I potentially have to get some stuff done and maybe even relax, I spend trying to entertain everyone, which is usually a disaster. I took the family to a restaurant today for the lunch special. It was a disaster. The food came out late, the kids were crying, when the food finally did come out my wife was MIA due to trying to eat, so I was trying to feed the kids myself. When I finally got them to calm down, my wife was already done with her food and she started mooching mine, so I snapped at her, and everyone came home in a worse mood than when they started. This is a pretty standard occurrence. As sad as it is, and I wish it wasn't this way, my least favorite time is that which I spend with my family. I am very grateful to have them, but I wish our outings didn't always turn out like this. All the boxes are checked for a fall right now, stressed, frazzled, feeling unaccomplished, and bored (stuck at home again watching baby).

keep strong. we're here for you