hashemyeracheim613 wrote on 16 Jun 2023 22:06:

Sounds like you’re in a roller coaster of tough. 
I can really relate to the aspect of those who need help refusing to seek it. Numerous of those currently in my life. 
I’ve found my best approach to be working on myself as best as I can (WAY easier said than done, granted), and trying to accept them for so they are. 
Wishing you the best of hazlacha. 

Hi everyone. It's my first time posting here in quite some time. The amount of new members is astounding. It's nice to see so many people trying to improve themselves, but sad that many of us need this service. I am still struggling with this issue. I had some success over the past few months, but a recent fall brought me back here. The hardest moments are when the stresses of life leave me feeling emotionally raw and high-strung. The Taavah is so strong at those moments that I feel I don't have a choice. As you all know, the relief that acting out provides is so short that it's almost over before the deed is finished. I'm feeling pretty down about how long I've been struggling with this. It's been close to seventeen years since I started falling. 

Welcome back.  HUG!!!

For stress, try exercise, socializing or Urge Surfing. All three worked for me.

hashemyeracheim613 wrote on 05 May 2024 14:33:

Thanks for posting.   Keep in touch 

Thanks for the welcome back, and hello to all of the novices. It is odd being back here with so many new people. I see the enthusiasm of the latest members and it makes me sad. I remember thinking to myself how this would finally be my salvation. Almost as if posting my story would cure the urge inside me, that getting it off my chest and soul would make it permanently gone. When I first started therapy I thought the same thing. I reasoned that once I told someone about the harsh, crazy, and cruel thoughts inside of me, they would disappear, almost as if talking them out would expunge them from my mind. In both cases, I was wrong. For all you new guys out there, this is just the beginning. It's a start, which is better than not starting, and it's even a good start, but ultimately, any growth I experienced, and the growth of everyone else I know on this forum, resulted from doing the hard, gritty, internal work. We can give you advice, we can cheer you on, we can celebrate your victories and mourn your failures. We can listen to you when no one else in the world can understand the embarrassing and dark battle that you are fighting. But the only one that can make it happen is you. Welcome

Well said!

It is a common misconception that sharing your story will cure you. Even opening to a rav or therapist might only help you stay 100% clean for 6months max. Just telling does not cure you but it definitely helps you move forward on your journey. Don't feel discouraged and say, "If it doesn't cure me then there's no point in telling" bc this may not cure you but it is a giant step in becoming clean.

Something to keep in mind, and you may argue with me if you would like, is that there isn't a complete and total end and that you will not necessarily be 100% tahor for the rest of your life, the goal of this journey is to make progress and keeping on trucking.
If we masturbate and it's been long time since the last time then that's a great accomplishment. Not the masturbation but the fact that we don't need it as much and we are distancing ourselves from it as much as possible. The takeaway from a fall should be both acknowledging how long you went without needing it, and learning from your mistakes of why you felt the need to masturbate so that it doesn't happen again.

"Journey before destination"

Keep on trucking and even tip towing bc all progress is progress
Have a great shabbos!

It can help to face the darkness, bringing it out into the light - but you have to keep the lights on. 

Hey there everyone. Thank you for reading and responding to my posts. I left Kollel recently. For many people, this is considered a bitter and difficult transition as they go from being fully immersed in Torah to engaging with a mundane world. I didn't have the same experience. My Kollel years were fraught with difficulty in finding my place. I didn't find a place that had a Chevra, Rebbi, or Limud that I liked, and I struggled greatly to "make it work". I finally left to find a profession, and it didn't come with the requisite sadness that society had led me to believe was a given. But I am still so unhappy. The work day is long. I get up much earlier, go to the quick minyan, run home, help get the kids to school, and then head off to my job. After a full day, I come home drained and in a sour mood, with no energy to do the things I once thought were standard, like davening, learning, and tidying up the house. I am snappy towards my wife and children, which leads to a worse emotional state. I feel that there aren't many things in life that give me Chiyus anymore. 

Here are a few points you might consider pondering:
1. Do you like your job
2. is there any toeles in what you are doing other than working so you are doing something and not nothing 
3. If you had no chiyus in kollel and no chiyus working then perhaps you might consider getting treated for depression 
4. Find something you actually want to do if you can’t find any activity that you would like to do again I recommend you try speaking with a mental health professional 

Good Luck!

hashemyeracheim613 wrote on 05 Jun 2024 02:12:

Yowch. Ooff. 
I can sort of relate. I left Kollel after around 5 years, and the last couple were tough, mainly because my marriage was going through growth/development pains. So it was actually a bit of a relief to start working. 
As to my job, on one hand I do enjoy it, while on the other, my boss can be a bit of a grouch (maybe he just needs The Grouchery?) and is constantly finding ways to criticize me. 
And then, getting home, especially when it’s later in the day, can be rough. My wife had been alone with the kiddos for hours, I’ve been itching to finish working for the day…
B’kitzur, I feel for it, buddy. 

hashemyeracheim613 wrote on 05 Jun 2024 02:12:

Oooooof, this is tough stuff. And oh, how I can relate. Unfortunately, I don't have much advice to offer as I'm in the midst of working this through myself.

It would seem that in order to feel fulfilled, there needs to be at least one element of your life that gives you joy. It could be work itself (for a time this was my passion), it could be your kvias ittim (for a time this was my passion), or it could be the time you carve out with your wife that makes everything seem right in the world. 

I think Apex People are the ones who find meaning in every moment of every day. They live as if every task and every interaction is specifically designed and tailor made for them to deal with at this very moment.

I'm in awe of those people and am very very far from that. But from what I understand, the wellspring that waters that drive is a בהירות in emuna and bitacon. Everything is seen through crystal clear lens for them,  while for people like you and me, we see everything through dusty and grimy lenses. 

These people are never down, never depressed, they're always pumped because they want ​to face every day, they're not worried about anything, and they're at peace with everything. There are big tzadikim about whom we have stories that illustrate that, and then there are thousands of "regular" people who live this way. 

There is a phone hotline called Life of Bitachon (732-719-3898) that propagates these yesodos and this way of life very well, and I know it can be intoxicating. I know I'm not ready for it yet, right now it feels like too raah-raah for me, but I want to get there one day.

Bennyh wrote on 05 Jun 2024 20:49:

Benny this sounds like utopia to me, I've around a while and haven"t bumped into too many people like you describe, unless my glasses are so murky I can"t see them.. 

Hi everyone. There are a couple of points I would like to hit up.
1. Someone suggested that my problem might be depression. I've been to many therapists in my life, and while I've experienced feelings of depression, it was usually chalked up to my inability to deal with my other mental issues. Once I worked on those, the sadness dissipated. That being said, my cynical tendencies are not helping my situation. 
2. I had a streak of ninety days recently. I think the idea that helped me the most of anything is a YouTube short. In it, a lady was talking to a drug addict about how to deal with his addiction. She told him that he has to accept to deal with any pain that would result of him being sober, no matter how horrifying. This helped me a lot. When I was extremely stressed and "needed" to let loose, I was able to tell myself that I already knew this was coming, and had accepted it already. This helped me embrace the pain of not giving in. I only messed up once I decided that I didn't want to deal with the pain.
3. I messed up recently. I had a streak from Erev Rosh Hashana until yesterday. I want to try the above-mentioned method again. Wish me luck.
4. Welcome to all new members. I've skimmed a lot of posts, and for many people, it seems that the root cause is not masturbation. I feel comfortable saying that most people on this forum can use a good therapist. If you haven't tried it yet, please do. For those that have tried and it's not working, stay with it. I went to many therapists before I even tasted mild success. It was so worth it once I found the right one.