Thanks for the feedback guys. @willnevergiveup I totally agree with you that the idea of getting ourselves under control for Shalom Bayis is scary. Before I was married, the only thing that was at stake of me succeeding at being a good person was my own life. Now there is another person, and an entity called a Marriage that is also dependent on my actions. I did a lot of work on myself before marriage. I didn't realize that the main work was yet to come. It's very hard to see very ugly parts of myself surface. Maybe part of the issue is that I'm even calling them ugly, and not accepting them for what they are. I do my best to not take out my feelings on my wife, but it's tough knowing that they are there inside me. @Vekham I don't really know what changed. I do know from that long stretch that success is in my reach, and I want it. Hopefully the next time Taaivah starts giving me attitude I'll have some sharp retorts and send him packing.

Hi everyone. Something that I personally struggle with is making huge problems out of minor issues. For example, if there is a little bit of tension between me and my wife, I think that it's over. I'm not kidding. My mind jumps straight to the worst possible outcome. It's totally irrational and very much anxiety driven, but to me it's reality. I spoke to my Chavrusa, an older Avreich, and he basically laughed. He said that if I took my "issues" to a marriage therapist, they would crack up. It was very reassuring, but it reminds me that going forward I have to take myself less seriously. 

New issue on the Kedusha front. In the past I struggled with Shmiras Einayim, both with real women and online. For over a year I've managed to cut out the Internet trash, and I'm really proud of that. It never occurred to me that stopping that ugly habit was only the beginning. When I walk in the supermarket, I notice that my eyes wander to every semi-attractive female in the place. When I was single, I didn't think much of it. But now, I've noticed a new process taking place in my brain. Comparing. Noticing all the "features" that my wife is missing. It sounds gross and repulsive, and it is. I am very well aware that even if my wife was objectively the prettiest lady in the world, I would still think like this. There is always a different "look" that has its own attraction and appeal. There is no end. Being aware of this idea is a start, but it's difficult to internalize and implement it. I have to start buckling down on these eyes.  There is much at stake.

Here’s my two cents….

What benefit would you have with the better more attractive person? It’s really just a façade from the yetzer hara. There is no extra pleasure and it is just a case of Mayim gnuvim yimtaku. you have an opportunity to create a beautiful relationship and a beautiful home with the wife that you have, The one who shares your common goals and ideals. The one who was determined to be compatible with you when you went through your shidduch pricess. Would you sacrifice a long term goal for some momentary instant gratification? Follow the advice out there on how to invest in your marriage. Once you are fully invested you would not even think about doing anything that would hurt your investment.

hashemyeracheim613 wrote on 18 Feb 2022 04:45:

Check out this talk from Dov. It was very helpful for in these inyanim (although I'm still single)

Vehkam wrote on 18 Feb 2022 05:02:

Of course there is more pleasure with the more attractive person; even if it's the yetzer hara's doin'. That's the way the world was created. Our responsibility and challenge, however, is to overcome and see past that.

First of all, be reassured that this is very common and "normal". Definitely do not obsess or panic about it. While you will try to slowly rewire your brain about beauty/marriage/loyalty etc, start learning how to walk in the street and look past people. Every yid, even those who are not "comparing their wives", is mechuyav to avoid looking at women for the sake of pleasure etc. Yes, it is a challenge, but one can use seichel and make wise choices. Staying out of the ladies kabalas panim at a wedding, choosing to shop during less crowded times, going a block or two out of the way to avoid certain streets, are some examples of strategies that help us peacefully avoid triggers. And when there is no choice, train yourself to focus on other things in your peripheral vision... Hatzlacha. The big tzaddikim say that there is tremendous schar for being that loyal soldier as one traverses the streets of the world. "Chap arein"!

You are 100% correct that there is much at stake. חזק ואמץ. You can do it!

In my opinion. There is no inherent more pleasure, it is a façade.

Vehkam wrote on 18 Feb 2022 16:44:

God also created men with different opinions.

I absolutely agree with that!

Hi everyone. Baruch Hashem I'm healthy, I'm married, my wife's doing fine. I really don't have a lot to complain about. But, there has been something that I've been struggling with for five years. After coming back from Eretz Yisrael, I never found a place that I've been happy to learn in. In my first Yeshiva I didn't have many friends. My Chevra was there the Zman before me and they were already getting married by the time I showed up. I switched to a less mainstream, smaller, warmer Yeshiva. It was a great environment socially, but my learning suffered. I couldn't find good chavrusas, as I was on a way higher level than most of they guys there. Honestly, I think I was better than most of the Rebbeim also. I know this reeks of arrogance, but I really believe it's true. I fought with them a lot in an unhealthy manner. I tried learning with many people during that time. I attempted to learn in a Kollel nearby, but they went way too slow. I slowly became less interested in learning. When I got married, I was so excited to join the big leagues of Kollel. The place I was joining was pitched to me as a top place. My chavrusa literally, and I mean literally, couldn't read. I dreaded showing up to first Seder. I had to drag myself there, until I couldn't anymore. I found a different place with an established reputation. My chavrusa was smarter, but I got the feeling that he wasn't interested. He also said the strangest most crooked things I might ever have heard. As my Rosh Kollel put it, "He likes to say Pshat even when there's no Kasha." I eventually tried learning with someone else, but this guy literally doesn't show up half the time (he's engaged), and even when he is there his mind isn't. I feel that I'm at the end of my rope. I wonder if the problem is me. Usually "nothing ever works" is a good sign that you need to look in the mirror and make some changes. I don't believe that's the case here. I strongly believe that there are major issues with a lot of people learning nowadays. So many people don't have the fire and passion that they should, as the "warriors" of the Jewish people, who are holding up the world. Also, why is it that people aren't looking for the truth? My 12th grade Rebbi taught me to ask, to discover, to question and challenge even the most basic assumptions. Today, people don't care. They would rather say "Pshat" or spend weeks learning up a R' Chaim, because it's Chikav and Geshmak, without knowing the basics. Can anyone explain this? It saddens and infuriates me.  Tomorrow I am going to meet my Rebbi to discuss my next move. I know that I have a lot more to give in learning, but I can't keep going like this.

"Tomorrow I am going to meet my Rebbi to discuss my next move"

Wise idea. Let us know what he says.

Hi everybody. The trip to my Rebbi didn't produce any major insight. He basically said to look for a different Kollel. I was very disappointed. I spoke to my therapist later and he helped me realize that not every situation has a straightforward answer. I was unfairly putting the responsibility on my Rebbi to come through with a brilliant solution to my problems. Not exactly how life works. Anyways, I dropped my current Chavrusa. I'm going to start learning with my Rosh Kollel for an hour and then do a side Limud. I've been reading a book called The One Minute Masmid. It strikes a chord with me. I'm wondering if anyone is familiar with it. 

jackthejew wrote on 18 Feb 2022 10:29:

Hey which talk from dov? 

Shtarkandemotional wrote on 02 Mar 2022 05:34:

Sorry I forgot to add the link. Here it is: guardyoureyes.com/GYEFiles/MP3s/Dov/Dov%20to%20Bochur%20News-story.mp3