Hi
Did you try SMART recovery tools yet?

1-  Change-Plan worksheet, identify steps you can take toward your goal (envisioned future) and consider people who can help you get there. Create strategies to help you progress and identify signs that show you’re making progress. If a strategy doesn’t work, don’t give up; use it as an opportunity to try something different.

You may also use this tool as a problem-solving worksheet because it can help you break large problems into smaller steps to focus your efforts so that you don’t get overwhelmed.

2- Coping with Urges

Identifying your triggers is an important part of your recovery. Awareness gives you the power to understand and deal with urges; however, even with awareness and planning, you will experience urges. It’s a normal and natural part of recovery.

An awareness and understanding of urges is crucial to recovery. You identified what triggers them, but do you know how long they last? How intense they are? How frequent? Most people with addictive behaviors don’t realize that urges usually last only seconds to minutes and then pass.

One way to understand your urges is by recording them in an urge log.

An urge log is a table in which you record specific information about your urges. After a few entries, you may notice patterns and similarities about your urges. The log then becomes a road map that will help you anticipate situations and emotions that may trigger urges. You also may notice certain thought patterns associated with your urges, which are helpful in self-management and problem solving

hashemyeracheim613 wrote on 06 May 2021 19:32:

I recently saw a quote from dov that went something like

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Thanks to everyone for the advice. I am giving a warning to those reading this; lot's of negativity is on the way. I don't buy this planning ahead thing that everyone is speaking about; also this idea off knowing when you fall and why. I fall always. In bed, in the shower, in the bathroom. Also, it can happen at anytime. What starts it? The fact that I want it. Why does it always have to be attributed to something? There is something called the sexual drive. I've had it since I was 13. Way before any stress, anxiety, or anything else even existed in my life. I feel that I've tried everything. Nothing is working. 

Dude - you've been off of porn for 7 months and you say nothing's working?! If I'd have accomplished that at age 26, I would have "put it in the bank"... and hopefully addressed the masturbation thing the following year (I did neither : ( 

​Glad to hear you are a healthy human; let's speak for the 100th 1000th time and continue looking for eitzos - there is lots more schar this way!

Your overly optimistic  realistic friend in Grodno ~ IMG

I spoke to my therapist last night about my issue. We are going to try urge-surfing. I hope it works. 

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From what you write (and from our conversations) it sounds like you do not have a kedusha issue. BH you have removed pornography from your life, which shows you who are. What you do seem to have is a stress issue. So many of us trained ourselves to use masturbation as a self soothing pacifier. It became our default activity to calm ourselves down. For years, if anything tense came my way, i would masturbate with a vengeance, or better said, with desperation. i knew of no other way to self regulate and calm down. I came out of the mikva the day of my chasuna and masturbated again. I had no other tools. So buddy, calm down. you are an erliche yid who has made an incredible sacrifice. You have given up the thrills and escapes of pornography, and are living a holy life. Masturbation? Iyh you will work on it. With time and training and support you will b'ezras Hashem kick the habit. But realize that you are presently not doing it out of lust or hashchasa. Accept yourself and celebrate how far you have come. Iyh you will build a beautiful holy happy and kosher home.

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I spoke to HHM at length about not beating myself up so much. It's very hard though. I feel like such a failure from the repeated attempts at stopping that don't work. I find it difficult to find the balance of knowing that masturbation is wrong and trying to stop, and not being too tough on myself when I do fall.

I messed up yesterday when talking to my Kallah on the phone. It was not a pleasant feeling. I channeled my enjoyment of talking to her into a selfish and wrong act. I feel really gross about it.

Instead of viewing your slip as a step backward, think of it as a progression on your road to recovery. Most people in recovery have relapses, and if you think of each attempt at sobriety as a means of getting closer to your end goal — a lesson in your cumulative recovery learning, so to speak — this setback won’t be in vain.

A slip may feel like the end of the world, but really, it’s an opportunity for growth and reinforcing basic life skills that need more work. Many people emerge from relapse with a fresh scare regarding what they are up against, as well as a deeper commitment to becoming sober. This renewed motivation can help you come back from a relapse even stronger than you were before.

Your honesty is refreshing and will iyh be a key component of your recovery.  Let's review. You have radically changed your life by BH having kept yourself clean from pornography for a long time. Your masturbation is more of an anxiety issue than a ta'avah issue. Your kallah is on the same page as you about setting up a home technologically safe. You have more clarity than most chassanim about the purpose of the bedroom. You are heading toward iyh a beautiful married life.

Disclaimer - Of course it is far from geshmak to masturbate while on the phone with the kallah. Meeting and shmuesing as chassan and kallah is very teasing and challenging. I would dare say that it is quite common that things like that happen with many guys. Of course i am not saying "it is ok", but you are normal buddy. Maybe next time shmuess while outdoors... or come up with some other practical deterrent. 

I strongly second this. being engaged was VERY hard. Still remember it well. Would have loved to have this website and the ideas here to guide me through. 

Hey HY613, how's it going?