Good voch!
1/3rd to 90 days BH! Its a great feeling and hopefully Im gonna keep trucking along! TYH!
My Rosh Yeshiva gave a shmuz in the beginning of corona on how much Hashem values and loves for the bnei yisroel to make tikkunim
(The shmuz is basically from a midrash that says that Hashem loves the mishkan the same way he loves brias haloem. What was the comparison? The same way Brias Haolom is eidos on kllal yisroel, so too the mishkan is meyid on klal yisroel. Eidos in terms of if we do a averia "it can testiify against us" and we can use it a tool to not do averios.
My RY asked "thats the reason Hashem loves Brias Haleom? He made the whole world??!! Isnt that the reason he loves it???"
We see from here that Hashem loves and values the bnei yisroel making the smallest tikkun that CREATING THE WORLD was loved by Hashem bec it can help us be better people)
So my RY said its possible this whole corona can be for one us to make a tikkun and hashem is willing to create a whole world for that.
If corona was what it took for me to come to my senses and beat this beast......
Sorry for going a bit yeshivish tonight but its just popped into my brain. (if anyone wants mara mekomos lemme know lol) Hatzlacha!

battle-of-the-gen wrote on 19 Jun 2020 05:57:

As you said before... Beautiful. 
Regarding whether or not to tell the shadchan, maybe ask whoever you speak to wether or not you should tell. I'm not pushing that you should be forward,I'm just saying it may be a possibility so don't cut it out without needing Hadracha. 

BH another clean day... plugging along bzh to many more
yosef10 wrote on 22 Jun 2020 03:16:


Regarding telling the shadchan, I dont think thats even a consideration; you should prob never the tell the shadchan anything you dont want getting around. (lemme know if you think otherwise)
Your own rebbe or revealing to the girl herself is a whole diff hock and something that definitely deserves consideration.
I myself havent found spoken to any rebbiem about the inyan, it would prob help and give me clarity but idk just dont feel like saying anything. How important is it regarding shidduchim to mention it to the rebbe or the girl(this prob was asked a thousand times lol)? Especially if you feel like at the point when you start dating that you have it under control? My main Q right now is regarding a rebbe.

Rabbi shafier in the fight says that telling your wife will not and can not help your shalom bayis. 
Some people here have successfully let their wives in though. 
So while your dating especially if you've been clean for a while it almost definitely should not be mentioned. 

Telling your rebbi is an important move and b"h a lot of rabbonim are now realising how common this is and are very understanding, knowledgeable and helpful. 

Totally agree that telling a shadchan is pushing it. It's like sticking a sign to your forehead announcing your history to the world. Not a good move. Parents in law should probably never know about this. There are plenty of people here on GYE and in other recovery platforms with whom you could and should share.
Just my 2 cents. 

I agree. I told my parents and that's been incredibly helpful for me. But even they told me not to tell any shadchan. (it may be different if it was worse, ongoing or a full blown addition, at which point it may be nececary to talk to a rav. Btw my mom is a therapist and has dealt with worse cases and regularly consults with rabbonim, so I trust her judgement here).

Having someone who you can talk with is essential. Telling everyone is harmful. It requires knowing when and what and who you can talk with.

Ps I also found Rav Shafiers "The Fight" to be the most powerful set of shiurim for this inyan out of everything I've discovered

battle-of-the-gen wrote on 22 Jun 2020 04:39:

Please, please, please, never tell a shadchan anything private without first seeking guidance from whoever you ask your questions to (Rebbi, Rav, therapist, etc.), especially some of the shadchanim today...

You wouldn't believe the things I've heard shadchanim say...

If you are dealing with normal struggles, are healthy, growing and seeing success in this area (which I think you are) then there is no reason anyone needs to know (unless they are actively part of your journey).

Hatzlachah, may you find the right one b'karov. Whoever it will be is really lucky to have such a growing person to spend their life with.

All the best,
Wilnevergiveup

wilnevergiveup wrote on 22 Jun 2020 07:46:

I have to agree with willnevergiveup. I may have not been in shidduchim but I worked in a place with one and I heard all the conversations and they were not pretty. Whitewashing is common and they feel they're doing something good by putting a problematic couple together. Not funny and not a game, consult a authority and get guidance. 

Thank you everyone for the feedback. I really really appreciate it.

• BH I dont think I was ever considering telling a shadchan anything, so thats out of the picture.
• ​Just the question remains how important is it to tell a rebbe?​
  
  • Telling the girl is a separate hock and it seems like it can go aight(I dont think the best case scenario is that she will be calm and not nervous at all about it, just not shayich; she has to have some level of "bugging out") or blow up majorly in your face. So when that comes along well see.
• BZH I want to get to "The battle" from R Shaifer(I listen to his shmuzin a lot); Hopefully after I finish the GYE HB I'll get to it.
• @willnevergiveup You mentioned that if its a healthy normal struggle then you shouldnt have to tell anyone, can you expound a bit? By anyone is a rebbe included(again Im assuming its beneficial to speak to one, just how important)?
• Another thing that Ive been thinking about(and another user on GYE I was chatting with) is whats the long term goal of being clean? Meaning lets say I manage the 90(bzh) or even longer than that, is there some type of paradigm shift I have to do in my mentality, or just I can slowly ease off being so nervous about and it just becomes second nature to be wary about it? Was there something I saw and hardwired that will have a lasting effect or as time goes on I gain the correct hashkafa? Does a person need some type of therapy or 12 steps matziv
  
  • I'm under the assumption that if it wasnt a full on blown addiction(and it wasnt based off some underlying mental or emotional issue) just a bachur who was introduced to it too young to know better and it feels good to do it(which, from what I heard, is most bochurim these days), when he does get a handle on it, it slowly dwindles down and becomes more of a second nature type thing(especially if like I said, most bochurim go thru it too)  

Id love to hear peoples thoughts on all that(especially the experts) Thanks!

battle-of-the-gen wrote on 23 Jun 2020 04:55:

I am no expert, but here is my humble opinion. It is very important to have someone to speak with who can guide you and give you an objective approach in all areas, not just this one. It can be a Rav, Rebbi, parents, etc. but it has to be someone who you respect as a person and respect their views.It has to be someone who we are comfortable sharing with and someone who has the time we need. 

There are two issues here, one is what and when to tell people in shiduchim and the second is whether to seek guidance from whoever it is when dealing with your struggles. 

If you are dealing with this struggle alone (there is no reason why you should) and don't share any of it with anyone, then when it comes to shiduchim, although it is a really good idea to speak to someone about proper hashkafah moving forward, it isn't essential as far as deciding when to start dating. It is however highly recommended to seek guidance in this area from someone, especially when you are ready to get married. 
The amount of things that need to be rewired and things that need to be understood with the proper hashkafah it's just not worth it to move forward without being somewhat open with at least someone.

As far as who and when to tell, suppose you had a medical problem that you wet your bed at night, who would you feel really needs to know? Your friends? No. Your counselor in sleep away camp? Maybe. Your Parents? possibly, your Doctor? for sure. Girl you are dating? Future in-laws? Important people on your resume? Probably not.
When you do decide to get married then you obviously have to tell her, but when exactly, and how? That's what you will need guidance for. Bottom line is, you wont go around telling people that don't have to know. 

Who has to know and who doesn't? That's also a question that you will probably not be able to answer alone, it really depends on the situation.

There is one more thing, as you go through shiduchim and Iy"h marriage, you will need to seek guidance about various things that will come up, some of which the answer will heavily depend on your struggle and history. This may be something to consider when thinking about telling a Rebbi, if you are close with him and plan on seeking his guidance going forward, it might  k'dai to open up to him anyway and he can probably be of help as well. Obviously it has to be the right person, one that truly understands, if he is not, then find someone who does.

This is just my humble opinion, anyone who disagrees should feel free. If this makes sense to you, then great. 

All the best,
Wilnevergiveup

Thank you for that great piece. 

BH I have multiple rebbiem which I highly respect and  basically run every major decision and shayla thru; Im 100% maskim its crucial for everyone to have one.(Ive seen their ability to foresee complications and their power to break down a situation and help me make a decision)

Just for some reason I cant mention this issue yet... Im not 100% sure why(probably a combination of guilt, the feeling of being judged, and the stam uncomfortablilty of this topic). I wish I can because they can probably help greatly. BH Im doing particularly well in the struggle now,  so for now I dont see an intense need to tell; I guess if chas veshalom I do spiral down then I will have no choice but to speak it over with them.

My Q stems from that if (almost) every bochur struggles with this inyan, then every one of them needs to speak with their rebbe about it? I just dont see that being the case and I think most people that got a handle of it on their own are managing without it.(legabi rewiring and/or hadracha)

Also you mentioned that eventually you have to tell your wife. Just curious, why? If I go clean before I start dating(like at least over 100 days+) and I feel like I have a solid handle over it, wouldnt it just stir unnecessary waters to mention anything(even after marriage)?





PS BZH Ill get back to HB pieces soon, just this topic was on my mind and wanted some clarity. 

battle-of-the-gen wrote on 24 Jun 2020 05:18:

I was actually talking about the case in my mashul where, yes you would have to tell her. As far as your journey is concerned, Rabbi Sheifer does discuss this a little in "The Fight" (I think in the last shiur).
As a general rule, she doesn't need to know about your past, but she may need the present, but not necessarily, depending on what it is.
What exactly is considered your past and what is present is another area where you will need an objective opinion.
Did you smoke a few packs when you were sixteen, no reason she needs to know that. Did you stop smoking the day of your wedding? Now that's a different story.

For a full blown addict, it's obviously not in the past yet, even if they are taking the proper steps to recovery.

I hear, thanks for the clarification(I chap how I misread the mashal line). BZH when the time comes Ill look it into this convo a bit more, but until then I think I should be fine.  

BH another clean day;  at this point Im trying to pick up on nuances that i got my brain used to(certain instances where my brain instinctively just got used to doing something a certain way bec it was subconsciously looking for a trigger, and when my seichal kicks in after a couple seconds, Im like, wow that was something which rationalized to myself before); this is not specifically in regard to gazing at a women or girl, rather my brains instinctive view on certain things bec of what it saw until now. Slowly weeding it out, and trying to retrain it. bezras Hashem

Havent posted a GYE piece in a while so here we go
Tool #12: Group Support
What one person cant do, a group can. The chizuk of rabiim can push and open doors which can be so beneficial. Just the overall feeling of being part of a team that is working on the issue is such a boosting feeling.
One version of it is what Im doing right now, the forums. People observe, comment, advise, and give chizuk and its a great inspiration. Really makes you feel part of a bigger team and community that is aspiring for a bigger goal.
GYE also has phone conference groups which offer anonymous support from amazing yidden that are also struggling.
If your able to and you know some friends that are struggling in this inyan and wanna get better, maybe make some type mini support group and have group goals of cleanliness and kanases for group if one of the members falls. Remember a thick untearable sailors rope is just a bunch of thin weak strands tied together.  

BH Clean day. Thank you Hashem.
Had a shmuz on bitachon tonight. One of the nekudas was that Hashems levels of chesed is so unconceivable. As much as we think we understand it we dont. And He loves us so so much. We have to believe in him though. Believe in his power and that he has the power to change any any situation in an instant. No matter how deep you fall and you think your so hooked onto porn and masturbation that theres no way you can stop(whether it be long term or just for a day).
A lot of us think where so not worthy of it. How can me who watches such dirty vids, thinks such nasty thoughts be zoche to get bracha from Hashem. Mi shebotech Bahashem chesed yesvevenu. One who is botech and trusts Hashem, his chesed(which is unparalleled) will surround him. Yes EVEN if your not a tzadik; Even if your, gasp, a rasha(I dont think anyone here is, just kol shekain us). Our father loves us and wants to trust in him. 
Theres many levels of trust, but I just wanna highlight 2 for the GYEers
​1)He has the power to change any situation in a instant no matter how dark it looks
2)Were all worthy of his chsed and love, just trust in him.
Hatzlacha! Hashem LOVES YOU!

Hey battle-of-the-gen, have you ever read The Battle of the Generation (guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation)? It's my favorite book on this topic. It has a glowing haskama from Rabbi Shafier.