On that note, I personally have found that talking to my wife about my struggles DOES make her want to be with me, -not because she feels bad, but because she feels CONNECTED. I think that's kinda what they want, connection.

100% - depends for whom. 
lets say: somebody has a struggle with kosher. and they eat cheese burger at McDonald once a week R"L, would you advice him to tell his wife what he did?!.  to CONNECT with her?!!  
So if porn... is to a B.Y. girl like a cheese burger my hum ble advice is DONT tell her. only by your 119 birthday..... 

Another perspective on connection THINK of her when we have a struggle:  I love my wife, and by  FALLING or acting  out i'm basically  building a wall between me and her. this thought is a real connection.    
I have more on the topic. meanwhile lets keep together  on climbing higher!!


​ydid 

I agree, if porn is once a week, & that's it, no reason to tell wife.
If one is addicted, even to cheeseburgers for that matter, it may eventually takes over his entire life, & be extremely difficult to establish any genuine relationship w/ anyone. I personally feel it's unfair to force a woman into that. I personally have at one point reached the point where I was always waiting to get away from my wife; pretending to listen while secretly dreaming about my next escape. Wasn't a good relationship; wasn't even a bad relationship; it wasn't a relationship. 
Yes, I know, not every woman can handle it. Perhaps consider speaking to a professional couples therapist first (or a Rav experienced with these matters) to see if there is any way to tell in a less harmful way. It is very difficult for one to make the decision himself, as he certainly has negius, both ways even.

Hatzlochoh either way!

AGREE! 

thanks 
I enjoy your approach in general very much - KEEP UP!!! 

bego wrote on 10 Jan 2019 10:46:

This is so true- the part about telling our wives to release guilt and it being selfish. Sometimes, that’s what I think I might be doing. And the truth is that there’s a better way- fix the problem. But that’s much harder. So I hear you loud and clear, and I waffle about it myself. My wife says she wants to know when I’m struggling because she wants no secrets, but then if I mention it she’s not too interested. For her, it almost seems that she has two criteria- one, that it has to be that I WOULD tell her and wouldn’t hold back, even if I don’t necessarily, and two, that if it gets to be a big issue, I tell her because spouses should know things that are going on in each other’s lives. 

Hello. When I realized I was an addict, I was so relieved/ excited to finally understand my addiction, I wanted to share with the person closest to me...I had been 'clean' for some six months before my marriage, so on my honeymoon (!), I thought she would be able to deal with it. Unfortunately, this was one of the most damaging things I could have done and ultimately contributed in a major way to the eventual breakdown of my marriage (it took another 8 years and two children later for us to finally separate). So...in my case, not a good idea to reveal, especially to one who suffers from childhood trust issues. 

sorry about the pain you had to go through..

It's clear that this question must be answered on a case by case basis with guidance of either a rav or therapist who knows the couple
if you dont have a rav or therapist than maybe an experienced mentor from Gye.
All the variables have to go into account such as Status of addiction, addiction or not, relationship with spouse in general,  etc

So, just to sum it all up...

When one is dating, he should....

1. tell her if he wants an honest relationship
2. not tell her, for then she will look elsewhere
3. tell her after the third date
4. tell her by the lechayim
5. not tell her, for GYE says that there are 200,00 addicts out there, and only simchos and simcha spot announce ten shidduchim a day, and let's say there are another ten, so basically, there is an 83% chance that the choson is an addict; if she can't figure that out, tough nuggies!
6. speak to a mentor/Rav (and if he doesn't have, he has worse problems)

Now, if he is married, he should.....

1. NOT TELL HER (for he just wants sex)
2. tell her (for he's not getting any anyways)
3. tell her as she is delivering her fourth child (preferable after the epidural)
4. tell her in the presence of their marriage counselor
5. tell her in a safe room (no sharp objects, or objects that go BOOM!)
6. tell her gently (preferably as she is about to climax)
7. not tell her unless the Moetzes unanimously agrees that he should
8. decide if he's an addict, and then determine best course of action (addict/non-addict is an entirely different conversation, but the above applies just the same)