Hi,

I am a grateful recovering sexoholic, I am sober for 10 month now with god’s help. I am going through a lot of hardships, my sister is in a mental hospital for 2 weeks now and she drained all my energy (she is not bad she is sick just like I am in a different form), I am in pain and I risked my sobriety (my life) to support her. I haven’t had the opportunity to go to a therapist, I still think that hugging women could save me to tell you how sick I am. I have intense emotional pain and I am extremely vulnerable and lonely. It’s one of those nights where I want to scream where are you god? Where is your heart? Pain is my lot tonight. I had a dream and suddenly some sort of prostitute came and tried to entice me, I almost fell for it and she jumped on me, I told her to leave and cried out Hashem help me and the dream dismantled. God damn it maybe I should be in this hospital with my sister. If I don’t stay sober I am going to hurt myself and eventually kill myself. One of my MO’s is to fantasize about and ask women to dominate me and humiliate me which is very dangerous and once it’s finished I get out of this folly and realize how low this addiction brings me and I am disgusted with myself and want to kill my self. Shabbat is great, sometimes but tonight for me it means I can’t reach out to fellow addicts who are not available and it puts my life at risk. I still want to believe that god can save me, and he was here for me in the past but I also want to ask him why aren’t you showing mercy to one of your children, your will not mine be done and yes I know already that I can’t perceive or understand your will, your Thora tell us to love another like oneself I would not wish that even to someone I hate, maybe just for tonight you could put aside your wonderful and secret plan to redeem the world of chaos you forced me in and redeem me out of my pain and sickness, thanks for letting me share. I love you brothers keep it strong 

Serenity123 wrote on 20 Oct 2018 03:13:

Call someone on the phone? Even just to vent?

There should be like ten people here who have been clean for years who you can talk to. Or head to the closest AA meeting (which you can do even on Shabbos on foot probably) and say that you are an addict though not an alcoholic and you need to share.

Try to make time to see your therapist. Like they say on airplanes, put your own oxygen mask on first because you can't help the person next to you if you can't breathe.

There may be mental health hotlines you can call when you are really stuck.

Wow! 10 months thats amazing!

Also, even more amazing is how even in your dreams your  subconcious is trying to stay firm as ever! 

I may not be able to offer concrete advice, but obviously tackle the problem as soon as possible whether through sponsor, therapist or meeting.

Stay strong, I believe in you!

10 months!! wow omg! how long did it take to get there from the beginning?

so would the rabbis say in such a case that it would be better to yield to the 'urge to merge' (as Curtis Sliwa is wont to say) instead of killing yourself? I ask myself this question sometimes.