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TOPIC: Need some advice 1717 Views

Need some advice 24 Aug 2018 14:11 #334957

  • Jman356
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A bochur in my yeshiva recently asked me out of the blue what to do about unfiltered devices in his house, sister's phone/ipad, parents leave their phone around at night when they go to sleep, etc. He doesn't want to tell them that he is challenged by that but at the same time he really is.
My heart goes out to him. Idk what to tell him, I suggested he blame it on his sister and tell them they really shouldn't leave unfiltered devices around but he said his sister is older and has her own phone anyways. Is the only option to move out of his house and into a dorm? 

Re: Need some advice 24 Aug 2018 15:03 #334960

  • MottehPoisansky
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My heart goes out for this bochur.
He's asking you about the devices, but it's not about the devices. It's that he's out of control. Many of us are.
 (I say that because he is using (or is tempted to use) devices which are not his, when the owners leave them around. I would think that out of a basic respect for people's privacy or property he wouldn't pick them up)
We can't always control everyone around us.
תן לחכם ויחכם עוד.
This might be a time for him to reach out and get real help.
He's already reaching out...
Last Edit: 24 Aug 2018 15:05 by MottehPoisansky.

Re: Need some advice 26 Aug 2018 14:50 #334981

  • Jman356
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I don't know if I necessarily agree, when I was that age I don't think the thought of other's privacy and property would have stopped me and I'm of the opinion that It wouldn't stop most people. Especially if the parents are clearly not so makpid about leaving their devices around. So Idk if that should stop your average guy.

I also don't know if I agree on the other front. Every single person has temptations to use devices for this purpose, every person. To what degree those temptations go is where people fluctuate. I hate to even say it, but rabbanim who have smartphones probably have thought about it as well, of course for less time and certainly much less possibility of actually doing anything. But my point is that I don't think that having temptation to use these devices lying around is in it of itself an indication of a problem with viewing innapropriate things. I think it just means he's a human being. 

Re: Need some advice 26 Aug 2018 15:58 #334984

  • MottehPoisansky
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I agree about the temptation part of it.
It gets complicated when I "need" my family to put filters on all their devices, and I can't even broach the subject with them.

Re: Need some advice 26 Aug 2018 20:12 #334988

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There are many bochurim who stay clean for extended periods of time in yeshiva or camp. When they come home they cannot deal with the challenge of unfiltered devices so readily available. So many boys cry about this. They are not out of control. They are 100% normal. Ein apotropis l'arayus. Meanwhile suggest that he make an issur yichud with the device or at least forbid himself from going online even for kosher stuff. A monetary knas for breaking that commitment has helped many chevra.
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Re: Need some advice 26 Aug 2018 23:48 #334993

  • mzl
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Jman356 wrote on 24 Aug 2018 14:11:
A bochur in my yeshiva recently asked me out of the blue what to do about unfiltered devices in his house, sister's phone/ipad, parents leave their phone around at night when they go to sleep, etc. He doesn't want to tell them that he is challenged by that but at the same time he really is.
My heart goes out to him. Idk what to tell him, I suggested he blame it on his sister and tell them they really shouldn't leave unfiltered devices around but he said his sister is older and has her own phone anyways. Is the only option to move out of his house and into a dorm? 

His parents are in charge at home. They make the rules that everyone is going to follow there. I'm not even sure Hashem can hold it against him if he uses his sister's phone and masturbates to porn. Like other frum kids he was sheltered to the Nth degree, and now he found an area where he is not sheltered and he is a sitting duck. If he's like other kids he was largely motivated to grow up frum by ego, and ego doesn't stand a chance against pornography.

It's up to his Rebbe but basically the only way to help him is to summon his parents and tell them that he was caught masturbating to porn. Then they'll have to read the writing on the wall and do what needs to be done.

This probably sounds too harsh and direct but I'm a bit of a sociopath.

Another option is for him to use some of the well known tools, such as surrender, calling other addicts, etc.
Last Edit: 26 Aug 2018 23:49 by mzl.
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