Hey everybody.

I’ve come to a point in my life when I have to make one of the toughest decisions ever and I’ve no idea what to do. So I decided to share my story and maybe get some feedback which might help me.

For 3.5 years I’ve been dating a girl. Never cheated on her but always doubted that she’s “the one”, always wanted someone else, someone “better”, someone I didn’t have. Back then, I didn’t know that I was a sex addict and that behavior was typical of a sex addict.

Then about a year ago I started seeing a therapist and gradually came to a realization that I had a lot of psychological issues, sex addiction being one of them.

Then, some 3 months ago I joined SA and have been going to meetings and working with a sponsor ever since. I realized how sick I was, how twisted my brain was etc. etc. SA helped me to abstain from porn and masturbation, today I’m 88 days sober, but I still dream about other girls and still doubt that my girlfriend is “the one”, although we have great time together, she understands me, she knows about my sex addiction and even read the White Book.

For 3.5 years my girlfriend has been an angel: she accepted me, comforted me, lent me money and never asked for anything in return. Until recently. I mean…she still doesn’t ask for much. Just for our relationship to move forward. She wants to move in with me. And…I’m not sure I want this.

I mean, I like her. I don’t know If I love her because I’ve never loved anyone due to my emotional numbing…But I like her. And I can’t think of losing her. Losing all the great things we have together. But on the other hand, my sexaholic brain can’t think of not having all other beautiful women in the world, can’t think of never meeting “the one” etc. etc.

I’ve discussed this issue with my SA group and my sponsor and my therapist, the general consensus is that right now I still in the early stage of recovery and not sober enough to take such an important decision. I agree. And I even told my girlfriend that and she understands…But she can’t wait any more. She wants to move on, to live a normal life. So she wants me to make a choice. Move in together or separate. And so I don’t know what to do. I’m torn. One minute I’m thinking of moving in together, another minute I’m thinking of separating. I know you can’t make this decision for me but I’ll still appreciate any feedback as I’m terrified to make a wrong decision.

Thank you very much in advance.

You can try the following well-tested method:

1. write down the two scenarios (split up vs move in)
2. take two sheets of paper, draw a line down the middle, list the pros and cons, these may take a while to write down
3. score each item (pro or con) so that the pros and cons add up 100, for each scenario
4. add up the scores

You'll end up with 20/80 vs 40/60 or something like that. At that point the light might come on, so to speak.

The hard part is listing the pros and cons, making sure to be thorough, and then scoring.

My sense (largely baseless) is to call it quits because often when a relationship is not very good people try to improve it by moving in together, getting married etc. but it's largely in order not to end up alone. I did that myself in my youth. I hope I am totally wrong and that you two get married and live happily ever after.

As a complete outsider, I actually think that it's time to tie the knot. Don't let a good girl slide thru your fingertips.

I've been married for several decades and I'm still lookin' over my shoulder for "the one."

Godspeed!

And it's a well known fact that in lasting marriages the spouses did not know each other "well" beforehand.

mzl wrote on 19 Jul 2018 21:33:

Thank you very much for your feedback, MZL.
Actually, my therapist suggested a similar method called Johari Window (what happens if I have X, what happens if I don't have X, what doesn't happen if I have X, what doesn't happen if I don't have X). I listed all pros and cons, scored each of them...and ended up with score 148/148. A complete deadlock. As if the universe is saying to me: you gotta make this decision yourself. No cheating. 

cordnoy wrote on 19 Jul 2018 21:55:

Thanks for your feedback, Cordnoy. 
I agree with you. I don't want to let a good girl slide through my fingers but what if there's a better girl for me? I know, I know. The best is the enemy of the good. 

Re: your marriage and still looking over your shoulder, how do you handle it? Doesn't it make your life miserable? Thank you.

That's very interesting. Maybe you should list the pros and cons here. They should shed some light on this.

That's a tough call. Could it be that you have a tough time deciding things in general? Regardless of what you decide it seems to me that you will regret it either way. Moving forward, to give advice of what you should do from the little information you wrote without actually knowing either you or the girl is super tough. With that said, from the little bit of what you wrote, it seems to be fear of commitment. Its very normal but you seem to have it to a heightened degree. If its more than that then the underlying issues need to be dealt with. This is general advice but I don't know if its possible to pierce to the heart of things without knowing more.

Hashem should give you tons of clarity and help you with your tough decisions

JoyOfLife wrote on 20 Jul 2018 11:25:

No, generally I almost always know what I want. So this situation is not very typical of me. 
And yes, I think you're right in that I'll regret it either way. That's the problem.
Fear of commitment? Well, that too. I come from a dysfunctional family, my father was an alcoholic who left us when I was 2. Whenever I had difficulties in my life, I would run away from them or shut down emotionally. And without emotions, it's hard to tell what I really want in my heart. On one hand, I appreciate how great my girlfriend is and I don't want to lose her, but on the other, I still have doubts about whether she is the right person for me.

I pray every day asking Hashem for some guidance but is still unclear about what's the right choice for me.

Is she Jewish? Is she more frum or less frum then you?

mzl wrote on 20 Jul 2018 13:06:

No, she's not Jewish. Neither am I. I'm half-Jewish/half Russian. 

Which half for you and which half for her?

mzl wrote on 20 Jul 2018 22:00:

I'm afraid I don't understand the question. Could you please explain what you mean?

Sorry, I misunderstood. I guess she's not Jewish at all. You said you're half Jewish. Is your mother Jewish or is your father Jewish?

mzl wrote on 22 Jul 2018 02:53:

My father. So that basically makes me not Jewish at all.