My plan

Step one get thirty days of sobriety at all cost. Will than analyze step two

I am a long time member here under a different name. After falling a few years ago. I left the forum. So I need to address the most important question. Why this time is different than last time ? Until today the whole thing was about Yiras Shomayim. In my world PME is the most important thing in the world. I would spend all the money in the world and go to gehenom for my lust. That is why I could never get anywhere. Even though I had done all the twelve step work, I hadn’t hit rock bottom. I had no real reason to stop. I believed that I would never be caught. Now I have been caught. I have seen the results. I have seen my wife’s face, her disappointment, her disgust. I have seen mirrored in her face what I have really become. I have seen how I have been hiding from myself. I am sick of all the hiding the secrecy. I have seen that my marriage is in danger. I have realized that there are things more important than PME. I thought that I can have my cake and eat it too.

All this is not enough. I will get over the initial shock and be back where I was. I have too do much deeper work. I have to work on connecting with my core values.

I have come to the realization that I have been brainwashed from very young into thinking that PME is the most amazing thing in the world. I am convinced that I have a secret weapon to get through life. I have a clip playing in my mind that without PME I would never have survived life. All the twelve step work that I have done has done nothing to move that basic premise .Most of the time when not using we think about how much fun it is to use, and how miserable we with out it. From age 16 until 24 I was fixated on how much fun porn is. No wonder that I fell. It is time to create new images in the brain about how great life is without porn. After all the work I don’t need PME, but I still want it. I don’t lust a whole day, but I will still grab any opportunity. I will be working on changing this mindset.

The addictive brain can sneak op on me any minute and throw in the garbage all these beautiful thoughts. That is step one, that essentially I am powerless. I need help forging new pathways in the brain

 Step 1 an addict cannot trust himself and will never be able to trust himself. Even after changing all his core values and rehabilitating his essence, there will always be something rotten deep inside that can undo everything. An addict has a rotten apple inside that can spread disease to all parts. The disease is so insidious that it is impossible to be completely on guard. An addict has to rely on an external stabilizing influence to stay sane. He is too messed up inside. And that leads to the second and third step.