So, just to update...
I B"H got engaged about 2 weeks ago, to a wonderful Kallah who is more amazing than I ever thought I deserved, and we both (from what I can tell from her end) really feel excited and comfortable and happy with each other.
I spoke to my Rosh Yeshiva further about my issues, and he recommended that I speak to a therapist, and he found me someone to speak to.
I met the therapist (happy to give a name if it helps at all) twice (so far), but I haven't really gotten much out of it. He agrees that I don't seem to be addicted per se (I believe mainly because it hasn't really progressed much further over the years), and he seems to keep mentioning that most of these issues come from something else, but I've been able to eliminate pretty much everything that he mentioned, and I'm more convinced that it may just be "purely" a Ta'avah issue, that I've probably made worse by allowing it to continue.
I've already made decent progress, IMHO, since I haven't seen anything inappropriate online for a few weeks already, probably at least a month, or maybe more.
However, I still have been masturbating sometimes, not as often as I was, and it's been all fueled by thoughts, as opposed to actually seeing material online.
I definitely need to slow that down, but I do view the resolution that I've made to not look at anything online as progress, and so far, I've been able to keep that up.
Additionally, I've always been pretty straight up and honest with myself, and I tried giving the therapist as much info as possible, so there's no real denial here, though I've definitely been able to convince myself that some parts of it (the masturbation, etc) isn't as bad in some ways, which is probably not true, and probably why I've had a harder time stopping it...
The therapist thinks I should continue with something, but I don't really think that I've gotten much from seeing him (besides for the expense, which I'd rather avoid, but if I felt that I was gaining something from the sessions, I'd definitely continue it, even with the cost), and I think that at this point, it's something that has to come from me, and that I can work on myself.
My plan on my end is to work on reducing the frequency of my masturbating, and setting goalswhere I have to go x number of days without masturbating, and then work on building it up.
Additionally, I really am looking forward to getting married, not (at least in my mind) just because of the intimacy (though I've seen people label it as "lust"), but because of the chance to really spend time together with my wife IY"H and to really understand and focus on each other, and I think that I won't have any issues with focusing on her and taking care of her, and not just focusing on myself, both from a regular and sexual perspective.
(Disclaimer - I haven't started Chosson classes yet, supposed to be starting them later this week, but I don't yet really know what's involved.)
My Rosh Yeshiva had advised me not to bring up these things earlier, but I had spoken to him (and mentioned it to the therapist briefly) again, and I feel that I should be bringing it up with my Kallah, maybe not in full detail, but to at least give her an idea of what I've had some trouble with ("seeing things online that I shouldn't be seeing") and where I've made some progress. My Rosh Yeshiva was basically Maskim to my bringing it up, though he told me that I have to figure out the right way to do it.
And based on how I know my Kallah, I think she'll take it well, and I hope to make it into something to work on together, or to at least keep her involved with my progress, and make sure she's aware of where I'm holding.
Again, I may be biased, but I really don't see it as being as much of an issue once I'm married, and I really think that I'll be able to control myself, maybe because of the "Pas Besalo" of being married, but also because it will now matter to someone else, and not just to me.
The question is if I'm missing the boat (though I'm more confident now that I'm not) that it will get better once I'm married (and I'm only basing this off of my personal circumstances and what I've gotten and somewhat verified by going to the therapist), and if it's also a bad idea, if that's true, to bring it up at this point, especially with the (hopefully low) chance that she may not take it well.
And I'm also interested in hearing ideas about how I can get things to improve, and if there is anything that I can do on my own, or if I have to do/go to something or someone else.
Anyone here have any advice or input (and it would be helpful if it's coming from someone who has dealt with others as well, and understands my circumstances)?
And my apologies for the long and detailed post, just figured I may as well write everything up the best that I can and with as much information as I can give (though writing this from a phone after deciding to post means that there may be more mistakes, think I caught them all though).
Thanks a lot!
