Hi everyone. To sum up my life in one sentence, I'm married with a few children. I had a very traumatic childhood. Was emotionally and sexually abused for a very very long time and therefore suffer in many many areas including all ruchniyus. I'm in therapy for a very long time and am slowly healing from my past.

 I'm suffering from lusting for a very long time and just recently started acting out pretty badly. B"H I was able to control myself and started a tapshic thing among a few other tools and being that I wasn't acting out for a long period of time I'm hoping that I can stop it. 

However, I don't understand how it's possible to stop lusting. I feel like it's just so natural to look everywhere. I have a very hard time with the Jewish woman. Especially these days when they are all dressed as if going to a wedding. I also work with woman which makes it so much harder for me to control myself because at work I need to look at them when I talk to them and then in the street I can't look at them...I feel like many of the tools in GYE are for acting out but how am I supposed to stop a habit of looking at every woman in the street???? 

Can am someone please help me? I'm desperate!!!

butterfly wrote on 20 Apr 2017 21:57:

IMHO it's not natural to check out every woman you see and lust after her. It feels natural for you because you've taught yourself to act this way through repetition(constantly doing it). So stop doing it and it will become easier to refrain with time as you unlearn these habits of living and develop better ways to live (which is a must if you don't want to go crazy. As they say, lust isn't the problem it's the solution. It's the way we deal with life. Unfortunately, it has some nasty side effects.) 

Oh and most importantly, I wish you all the success in the world!!!

i'm new here, so the older members with more experience will definitely help you better, but one thing I can assure you, you are at the right place,
I have clean eyes for 3 weeks, for the first time in the last 30 years... no porn, and no woman other then my close family memebrs, only with עקשנות, תפלה, and support of our members.
and remember, one day at the time, that's the key

Shivisi_Hashem wrote on 20 Apr 2017 22:17:

Tell that to the guy who lusts after his sister in laws.

Welcome. Sounds like you're overwhelmed and looking for help. This issue can be quite exasperating at times. I relate to your share. Keep coming back.



Hatzlacha.

Trouble wrote on 20 Apr 2017 22:38:

well he did mention no women other than close family members...

Also, welcome! I am trying to figure out the straying eyes problem too (SEP)

though if you add a dash of honesty, the diagnosis becomes Actively SEP, or Willingly SEP.

I'm down with those, too

Hatzlocha. May you give me (us) chizuk in your journey

Singularity wrote on 21 Apr 2017 09:51:

sorry, ill be more clear, I have clean eyes for 3 weeks, for the first time in the last 30 years... no porn, and no woman other then my close family members, Wife, Mother, Mother-in-law, Sisters and daughters, but clean of sister-in-law, believe it or not, I worked very hard on that, I have very attracted sister-in-laws,
for me is the "looking" problem not that big, then my "thinking" I'm fantasizing, and that brings me down, but since I stopped watching porn and looking after woman, my "thinking" got much much better.

butterfly wrote on 20 Apr 2017 21:57:


First of all, be patient. You cannot erase years of abuse overnight. Secondly, who says you need to "understand how it's possible...". You don't need to understand it. You just have to know that it is true. The proof is all the people that have successfully come clean who were in the same situation.

As far as looking at women, there is "seeing" and there is "looking" (meaning to get pleasure, staring, checking out...). Try not to "look" even at work.

Use all the tools you can. Be patient. Celebrate your successes. It won't be perfect, but should get better, slowly, over time.

butterfly wrote on 20 Apr 2017 21:57:

First of all, I'm wishing you much hatzlacha in your battle.
 Many years ago, I was in kollel & I was taking a break to be a madrich on a kiruv trip for college kids (guys & girls). The Rosh Kollel gave me some advice on how to talk to them.
He said when talking to girls, instead of looking into their eyes, to look at their forehead, or to look past them. He also mentioned a number of other things, I wrote them all down but I don't have them handy right now. A lot of that focused on having extra kavana when saying specific brachos (in the beginning of the siddur).

Welcome to GYE Hashem should give you hatzlocha! Keep posting, keep sharing, keep reading and you will iyh get better. In the beginning we cant believe there is another way to live, then comes withdrawal, and then freedom. All along, lots of hard work......  Talking to people helps even more than writing so when you are ready for that let us know.