Good afternoon gentlemen,

I must tell you that I have not been conducting myself appropriately for the last couple of months. I have been slipping to the point that only the most lomdeshe grobbe finger would rule not a fall. Obviously I am not happy. Now perhaps there are those that would argue that after such a significant time of not clearly falling by an obscure standard, that perhaps I should continue counting. After all, stopping a long count can have it's own repercussions. However, I have done a lot of soul searching  I want to begin my count again. Of course perfection is only in Hashem's level and slips could surely come my way. However, I plan on using the forums standards and keeping them strictly. GYE leaves a little room for slips/errors and that must be enough for me.
Do not misunderstand me.
I do not look at this as a self-righteous fellow who is choosing just to be machmir. I unfortunately, have swayed too much and starting again is in my view the only way to go. 
I have tweeked my home situation so that there is no internet without either an extreme filter or a code that is not known to me. I have no phone access.
My big challenge is at work. The company where I work at has a shomer shabbos head who has installed a filter in the computer. However, it is a weak filter and the IT guy told me years ago that once the history is erased they cannot retrieve your viewing sites.
I still need some hadracha in that vein.
I am in contact with someone on the phone and our dialogues are honest and helpful.
I plan to participate more on the forum.

I sit here with  mixed emotions. I am sorry that I haven't lived up to the standards I should have but I am very excited to start fresh with a truly legitimate count.

yiraishamaim wrote on 20 Apr 2017 18:43:

Life's about striking the balance. It's not always easy. I struggle too
Gr8 to have YOU with us!!

Glad to report that the first few days have been squeaky clean. Been tough on myself in terms of wandering eyes, thoughts.
There's that voice in my head that challenges this.
You know the voice. The one that is telling you right now that the author of this post is nuts since he thinks he hears voices - that's the voice I am referring to.
It's saying to me chill - after all, this serious attitude is bound to fade in time anyway. That's just natural. So continue on with a more "realistic" attitude and not be so strict.
However, I am now at the beginning of a new count. For a beginning to have the power to carry on and on it needs a very strong start.
It's gotta work this time. Please G-d carry me.
Will keep in touch.

Day started out strong. Since iu am working on strengthening my dependence on Hashem I focused on the words of Shacharis more than usual, trying to internalize their meaning and message. Felt great.
No looking on street Woo Hoo! 
Went to a cafe with my wife. I rarely eat out. The waitress provided a major challenge. I would detail it but I don't want to cause any triggering.
Problem - In this case, I couldn't just turn away and say she is simply none of my business.
I need to order, have her bring the food, answer her question if everything is alright, then pay. Also I am with my wife and must connect and focus on her. I made a silent Tefillah. It went fairly well. Did not obsess afterwards. (at least not much)

Rabbi Shamshon Rafael Hirsch made note, that the word Korban comes from the root. karov.. Those who give sacrifices cause themdelves to come close to Hashem. It takes resources and effort to bring a korban. Yet, it is on balance  very worthwhile as it brings the giver closer to the Ribono Shel Olam.
You know at times we who seek sobriety sacrifice real interests and enjoyment for the sake of that sobriety. I know I do. For example:I enjoy news and many sport clips that can be found on  youtube. Yet, I stay away from certain sites because of the challenges that may occur if I so indulge. Many times when I have the itch to see something and I don't, (this may seem odd)
I picture a mizbayach with a package on it that is ignited  The package are those particular interests and they are being sacrificed in avodas Hashem.
Really the most important attitude is the negative ones.
Don't look there it is none of your business.
Why am I on this site? Get  the H___ out of Dodge and  get off the site.
True as that is when I think of the positive. That I am sacrificing as a form of avodas Hashem.
I transform my act of omission to a labor of love.

yiraishamaim wrote on 23 Apr 2017 23:12:

I had a similar story today in a business meeting. I didn't look much. For much of the time I avoided looking at the uncovered parts, and when I did come across it, I wasn't lusting. But it still would could have been better. But I'm not going to kill myself about it, because I basically kept the rules, and that's what my plan was/is. So the human error factor, I just can't focus on, and I ask Hashem to forgive, as I didn't intend to misbehave. 

Always found davening with minyan 3 times a day of great benefit if I take advantage of it and not be in a slumber while moving my lips.Great opportunity for me to connect to the one I am actually relying on. The words of peukei dzimra which essentially relate to the Gadlus Haborei help me connect and rely on him more. Also when I make my bakashas at the end I know I have zechus hatzibur to assist me in getting them accepted.
Trying to read various things on this sight for chizuk. Will try soon to read the handbook.
Can't start a new count with just good intentions - need to incorporate changes
Controlling my Roaming eyes has been better than usual  and I am able to push away thoughts.
Halivy Vyter

yiraishamaim wrote on 25 Apr 2017 17:02:

It's Hlvy and that's a 4 letter word

Ha Ha - you still got it!

yiraishamaim wrote on 25 Apr 2017 17:02:

Wonderful! Join the P and M group!!!

appreciate the invite, P and M group?

vous iz dous?

Click here

And Welcome

Thank you I will start tomorrow. Although I did daven with minyan for mincha today. 

yiraishamaim wrote on 27 Apr 2017 01:12:

Doesn't count here.

YouI need to Post it in the Proper group.

It's as if you Prayed without a Minyan; as a Matter of fact, it's as if you didn't Pray at all.

I once met a recovering gambler who told me that he really enjoys going to meetings. He said who else can understand how a guy can lose a lot of money at poker and then when the unlikely occurrence actually happens and he suddenly wins in one hand all his money back and he knows as sure as the sun will shine tomorrow, that he must leave the table NOW but HE JUST CANNOT GET UP. Inevitably he loses all he has. No one but no one really gets it but the the other gamblers in the room. He needs support from a group that can relate and identify with his compulsion in a real way. 

In much the same way it is in GYE that we get the type of support that we need. We are indeed fortunate.

The world laughs at famous people who risk it all by yet another scandal.(some accusations are very possibly false,yet others are pointed to people who have been accused by many who have received millions in settlements or have had their actions recorded on social media)
How could successful celebrities, or politicians risk it all by a momentary foolish exchange with another woman? Irrespective of political leanings these are all intelligent people? We all know that building can take years but destruction can be in an instant(any self-respecting legomaniac knows that)
But we well understand these dudes don't we? We really get it, don't we? 
Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Let's all work together for a far better and more blessed life.