i joined GYE 78 days ago - 78 days clean. i had a "fall" tonight. in quotes because this was more of a mind-cause event that a simulated event. i had felt this coming for a few weeks already - somewhere around day 60, and here we are. 
i had a whole thing typed out here trying to express something i wasnt able to. so, from scratch. 

sexual content opened up a void within me begging for affection. [yes i know porn is fake. i dont watch porn.] coming from a family that was very supportive but not affectionate magnified the issue. that void has been growing. impure thoughts numb the void temporarily. trying to stop thinking about sex worked great to not thinking about sex, but the void was still there.
the void, however, is also natural. its supposed to be there. that void is what drives people to want to love each other. to want to build a family.

im "in the parsha" as they say. im struggling to keep a clean mind. but the issue isnt the filth. its the void. i feel these 78 days have been like taking advil to heal a broken bone (or some other analogy). 
so here i am back at day 1 because bad thoughts are.. well... bad. but still struggling with the void. trying to make sure that trying to marry as well as filling this void dont end in debacle. 

and before everyone comes out and goes into a rant about how marriage wont help - marriage wont help addiction. the cure for addiction is the the same cure for a lack of personal affection. i dont dream about have a wife i could have sex with at nausea. i dream of a wife i can spend time with. literally. a companion. and, despite how cheesy this is, a soul mate. 

am i nuts?
any input would be much appreciated 

I saw the word "square" and I thought of what Watson wrote recently about getting a square peg into a round hole

Thats what it looks like when someone goes on the wrong trucking lane

Like trying to fit a car in a truck lane






Small request, can you try stick to 1 thread for your awesome recovery path please. It'll help you and others too. Thanks 

Each marriage has its own life

Some need a lot of work - ALOT, to get to the companionship you're taking about

On the small chance yours will need such work which you'll accept to input as an adult, how is that going to affect your porn life

I know how it affected mine - I was escaping to porn a little too often...

Hatzlocha on your journey!

78 is quite a formidable number. May you double it, one day at a time.

Wow, good work on 78 days. Try to stay positive through all this (easier said than done, I know) and fill that void with the love of Hashem. Keep trying brother, you're not nuts.