Hi all,
Hashiva has hashiva-d. I don't know to what extent I will be posting or reading, but at this time I want to post about my current situation. I have been inconsistent. I guess I wasn't committed enough to be ready to do what it takes. Or maybe I though that what it takes will not be possible for me to fulfill. But now I had a thought. Why do BTs usually remain BTs and never ever go back to be non frum? The answer is because they made a sharp cut. They cut themselves off from their old ways and paid a price. They bled when they cut. So it was a real cut - a real cut off. Up until now I have not really cut. There was nothing in place preventing me from going back in a weak moment. So I decided to cut.

I have given up internet access. My computer is whitelist only. My wife's computer is with a new changed password - her password which I don't know. I have decided not to access internet on my own. I am still in search for additional safeguards, which I plan to implement as I find them. Anyone with ideas for me, please say. I have started a new streak today. Not that I fell yesterday, but I have not been clean in the sense that I didn't cut. Today I cut, so today I'm considered clean. The streak is a plan of never return. I am discussing this with another GYE member, so that I make sure it's solid. I had been davening for a good plan, and Hashem hears even the prayers of sinners. May Hashem help us all.

Hash# you were missed!!!!

welcome back!!

Welcome back.
Is the internet your sole problem or is it just another median by which you look at porn?

It is the biggest manifestation of my problem. I basically have no other median.

Good to hear from you.

ItI should be with hatzlachah.

Bold moves!

Well done! Big stuff!!

I had a vort from last week's parsha, but I made it up so it might be complete bull, deal with me:

Hashem promises he's gonna take us into the land and wipe out all the other nations. Then he's all like, "Nah, I can't do it all in one year, because perhaps the animals of the field will outnumber you" and Rashi comments, "We're not as big as the other nations who 'fill out' the land".

I asked myself, "What BS is this!???"

Seriously? The nations who uphold and practice Avodah Zarah in our wake? In our midst? And right next to our Cheiders? Kill em all! Smash em down! who cares about some animals? Make arrows, for crying out loud! Hunt and kill! Surely it can't be worse than an atmosphere of idol worship? And especially for golden calf worshippers! We're gonna (and did) relapse!

I think the idea is that a change needs to be gradual. If you try knock it all out of you in one go, your mindspace will just be left barren and wasted, with anything to fill it. You'll be insane. 

A Rabbi told me in Yeshiva (and I'm a BT) that to make a tree grow, you don't cut it off at the trunk. You prune it carefully, constructively.

Though I'm not denying the occasion for a bold move. So Hatzlocha.

I think a very sharp cut is needed like a BT who cuts big bold and sharp never to go back. I don't see that small steps are sufficient to prevent problems in a moment of weakness. I have made some steps to strengthen the cut. I have told my wife that I won't log on to any internet on my own. I also am in contact with a GYE member about it. I'm looking for more things to make the cut sharper. I think this is what is needed but I don't know much and don't yet have the real success under by belt, so maybe I simply don't now and maybe I'm wrong. Maybe the people with very long streaks should weigh in.

Hashivalisesonyishecho wrote on 28 Feb 2017 14:48:

Boundaries must be set. That is what we call 'step zero,' but judgin' from your history and our conversation and your status, I think a serious readin' of the books will help you a long way and will truly be beneficial.

I agree with Codnoy (because he knows you better than i do)
Similar my experience was and is that the long term streak as you call it (I stopped thinking of it as a streak and more of a different way of life at some point) came from changing the way I live my life. 
From getting to know what the underlying issues that I was (and still am sometimes) trying to escape from. Through identifying them, the battles no longer became about lust.
My battles became fights with depression, isolation. overwhelmingness, frustration and others. Once I focused my energies into these things, when I would find myself lusting it would serve as a reminder that i have to deal with these issues and by doing so instead of running away from them to porn, the lust would secede on its own.

unanumun wrote on 28 Feb 2017 16:05:

How'd you like it if I started callin' you umaninken?

Oops, forgot, it's adar.

cordnoy wrote on 28 Feb 2017 15:49:

And I was sure cord' was the member you were in contact with...

cordnoy wrote on 28 Feb 2017 16:22:


I give up. da heck does that mean?

unanumun wrote on 28 Feb 2017 16:33:

That, you'll have to ask SG.

Hashivah,
You asked for advice from people with long streaks and I have qualified in the past, so I'm throwing in my 2 cents.
Based on my what worked for me, the point stressed by Cordnoy and unanumun is key. Lust isn't my issue, dealing with life is.
On the other hand, it definitely helps to restrict access, so to add to your list of cutting implements, I'm curious about your phone which isn't mentioned above. Personally, I can't afford to have a smartphone. At some point I will use it to escape.