Everything with the yh is odd and everything is normal. yes he comes up with oddest things to get us, but its normal that he does. Its great that youve recognized this and are aware.

Also, on a practical level, it's classical conditioning - our brains can associate ANY two factors. So, because of your past actions, when you need to go to the bathroom, your brain says "hey! arousal time!"

You need to break the cycle. Break it often enough, and it'll start to fade.

As far as it being odd - I could give you lots of strange examples of weird conditioning stimuli.

And like Reb Bard says - tamshich lorry-ing!

I feel incredibly low about myself and everything.

I have read and re-read the daily emails and I take on board all the stuff about a tzaddik falling etc.

My issue with myself is this - when I last fell it was late night and I went to bed crying and unable to sleep (I nodded off in the end around 3:30am which is typical when falling). In the morning after davening I intended to go to mikvah, say tikkun haklali and give extra tzedoko to try to do teshuva. But then guess what, I fell again, my yh convincing me I may as well as I'm going to mikvah and doing teshuva anyway. So I may as well have 'one more for the road' as they say.

As I've said before, it says in Yoma that one who does an aveiro because he can always have kaporo afterwards isn't given kaporo.

It is this flaw I am so desperately sad about. Not that I have a teivo and like looking at bad things. I'm a guy with a problem and I have acted out. But to then think 'oh I'll have another because I'm heading to mikvah anyway' is unforgivable.

So many bad things have happened recently in our lives - major problems with eldest son, my wife being ill, very serious financial issues, threat of unemployment. I just know it's all down to my terrible aveiros. I feel I am ruining not just my life but my family's too.

Struggling Shlitta

I know ezerything you just wrote

I was you

And I was in the same place a year ago

I say this because I feel your pain

I know what you mean by "one more for the road"

And I know the mikvah trick too

Tzaddik

Look at your avodah

Look how important it must be

If after you fell (seemingly fell ,in BARDSTOWN there is no falling)

Obviously he knows the koach of stopping and he wants to keep you dowwn and out


Kumi roni balayla

KEeP ON LORRYING

Send me a pm

Gevaldiiiiggggggg

Bards
The official shikkur of GUE

Oh I have a full stash
Of
Glenlivet
Glenfidich
Glenfarclas 17
Glenmorangie

Lchaim

All I can say is that we all love you here. And if we, human beings, love you and respect your efforts, than I can guarantee that Hashem does, too.

If/when you fall, focus on getting up, not on the fall.

Ha...reminds me of a time when i was jogging with some friends in israel. It was one of those days when everyone flocks to ben yehuda and sprays shaving cream all over the place. We were moving fast enough through the crowd that we weren't targets, but the floor was slippery, and we all skidded and slipped at pretty much the same spot. But we were so focused on our goal, of moving forward and cutting through the crowd, that we didn't even pause for a second. All of us slipped, and we hadn't even stopped sliding before we were getting up again, and moving on.

You can do the same...focus on moving forward - anything else is your yetzer hora.

If you feel that going to the mikva helps pull you down, then you might even consider NOT going to hte mikva, and instead doing something else positive that will help you stay away from falling.

I'm not always around, but please keep in touch - on your thread, or by email - feel free to PM me anytime, or email me. We all care about you, and want to know how you're doing.

Sorry to hear about the hard times your going through. Take up Bards on his invitation. Its worth it. But honestly, dont be so hard on yourself. It only brings to worse things. We need to realize that theres a way to get past  this all, and that may not be with mikvah and tikun hakloli. I hope im not coming acroos strong, but im doing it for a holy brother that i truly love and care for. To get more of an explaination of what i mean pm Bardy hell do a good job at explaining. We love you and want onlt the best for you.

Yes
Pahdon

That lorry is smartly lorring along !!

Continue Lorrying!!

I just read through this entire thread.

All I can say is that the wonderful people here are giving you excellent advice. I know some of it may be difficult to accept at the moment, but just dive head in and try and apply whatever they say because it's all true.

Also, I just listened to a 5 minute clip (http://www.guardureyes.com/GUE/Music/mus/Telescope.mp3) from Rabbo Shafier of TheShmuz.com that I think is particularly relevant to your struggle. The entire shiur can be heard here --> http://www.theshmuz.com/Merchant2/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Product_Code=Shmuz_Number_42&Category_Code=NumList&Product_Count=41.

Don't get down on yourself, keep your chin up and keep on punching.

All the best, brother.

Keeping your chin up is good advice, but not in a fight - when fighting, keep your chin down, and stick 'em with the pointy end.

when lorrying the A682 in Lancashire

keep your chin down and your eyes on the road

happy lorrying!

................and i say keep your chin where ever you want to as long as your lorrying!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

had a nice Shabbos.

Just now I read something online which pull the trigger a little and my YH started saying 'wouldn't hurt to do something bad later on when the children are asleep'

I then remembered I have a filter now and can't get access and he went away!!

silentbattle wrote on 07 Jan 2010 17:30:

:D I realised that after I posted it.

Struggling, are you reading the handbooks? You need to stop viewing yourself as someone "bad" who needs to get "good", but rather as someone "sick" who needs to get "better".

Please read the handbooks to learn the tools for battling the "addiction" disease.

Crying, Mikva, Tikun Klali, Teshuvah, etc... are not necessarily the tools that work for addicts. Sometimes these things even fuel the addiction by having us focus too much on the big & holy "struggle", instead of looking at it as a disease and realizing that we can't afford to struggle with it altogether.

We need to change our focus and ask Hashem to let us be useful to Him and do His will for us today, and that's it. Leave the struggle with lust for "normal" people.

Halevi wrote on 09 Jan 2010 22:25:


No worries - there's plenty more rounds in this fight! And we're all in this together, Reb SITUK - we're right here next to you!