Topic says it all I guess, but to explain in more detail:

I've been through the handbook, done the neder thing, had dry spells, fallen, succeeded, failed, been here before though I lost my account info and re-registered, basically tried lots of different things with varying degrees of success..

Now I just can't get out of this rut. When my wife isn't niddah, I can abstain during that time but it drives me crazy and I can't stop thinking about it and counting the days. Once she's niddah, I act out as much as possible (porn, etc.) I can't explain that justification, it's just what it is. Furthermore, it's a miracle she hasn't caught me, I think I may even be excited by the thrill of getting away with it.

Each time I act out, I feel depressed. To add to this - I've told my wife about my struggles but not the porn part. A long time ago I told her that and she was horribly broken and probably hasn't let that go to this day. So when I do act out with porn, I feel even worse since I lie to her and tell her it was without. So I feel like I can't control myself and I'm a liar.

All in all, I just feel hopeless and disgusting.

There is advice that works for me like busying myself with different tasks or learning, but then there's times where it's late at night and I feel exhausted and it gets me.

I just don't know what to do or if I'll ever be able to get a grip on this, and maybe more important - how to stop feeling so guilty and depressed every time when I do it. Not that it's literally more important, but I'm sure it's related to feeding into the addiction due to wanting to escape etc.

Welcome. You're in the right place.

First of all I apreciate that you've read the GYE handbook. No two people are the same, everyone has a slightly different set of circumstances, but we all share this problem and since we share the problem we can share the solution too. The book is written in a general way so it can apply to everyone. I found it helpful to really think about what the book was saying and how it applied to me and me own life.

This is a very common problem nowadays, you're far from the only one to deal with it. The word addict gets thrown around quite a lot, but most people who struggle with this issue are not addicts, just normal people with a normal yetzer hora. Which is good. Some people have come to realise that they really are addicts because their situation got gradually worse and worse despite working on it. When I say worse I mean, in frequency, severity or just feeling worse after every slip. If that is the case we may need more than GYE, which most people find to be therapy or SA or both. But I wouldn't jump to that conclusion about you. Many people have overcome this challenge right here on GYE using the tools in the handbook.

So stick around. Keep posting, keep reading and keep on trucking.

Hi GG,

Lucky guy the detective beat me to roll out the red carpet - or is it the white carpet,

I was in same "just can't do it" boat, till I found gye BH

What's in a name? is it to signify that you lust after this gil and that gul 

Or perhaps that things happened to you in this life in your previous gilgul before you turned 20?

Welcome,
I'm sorry to hear you feel hopeless and ready to give up. Lucky for you you've come to the right place to discuss it. Have you tried meetings? 

Haven't tried meetings, not sure how I could do that without telling my wife why I need to try it

i think if you get to the reason you act out you can then try to fix it...

Welcome,

Sorry to hear about this.

Two questions please:

1. What was it like before you were married?
2. What exactly did you tell your wife?

I can imagine what happened when you did that previously before you became a gilgul

Does your wife follow you around

Some guys tell their wives they going early to shachris, and then head off to the basement of a church...

I wasn't raised religious, growing up it was a free-for-all where masturbation and pornography were not only allowed but encouraged. After deciding to keep Torah, or at least wanting to, but before getting married, I had gone many months without either. However I did fall there too and had relations with a couple girls.

This is going a ways back, but at the time I told her everything. Since then I've hidden much more.

@Markz- She doesn't exactly follow me around but it just wouldn't work out for various practical reasons.

I just realized I'm in Israel and the only English speaking group is in Jerusalem or Haifa which doesn't work for me, I'm nearer to Tel Aviv.

I do see the phone conferences so I might try joining in on one of those - though it worries me since I'd rather know who else is there. If someone is hearing me, and it's someone I know, I want to know that.

Being honest and open with someone usually helps.
 phoneI conferences is mostly listening.
Nobody will know who you are.
Even if the impossible happens, the others are in the same boat.
Have you read the white book?

B'hatzlachah

Being honest and open with someone usually helps.
 phoneI conferences is mostly listening.
Nobody will know who you are.
Even if the impossible happens, the others are in the same boat.
Have you read the white book?

B'hatzlachah

Watson wrote on 01 Jan 2017 23:44:

Well said.

cordnoy wrote on 02 Jan 2017 11:11:

Well automated

shhh!!!

Welcome aboard, partner!
Your end is really just your beginning.