Finnaly Somewhere to share my experience. Here's my story....
I had built-up a very close kesher with my rebbe, where he knew everything about me, for better and for worse. Although i was a very good bachur, i still had my quirks, and i hid nothing from him. Exept for one seceret. There was a whole new side to me that I had never revealed to anyone. it was my secret, i had to live with it alone, and could never reveal it to a soul. I was a p*** junkie, and I m*****d so often that my body's production couldn't keep-up with my 'bathroom breaks'. but my rebeim respected me, I was a top bachur, and i was known to be shomer einayim. How could i afford to lose all of that. just a week prior I had mentioned (sortof in passing) that with all my extended visits to me rebbe's home, i didn't (and don't) know what his older daughters look like!
But hakadosh baruch hu backed me into a corner, and the only way to decide on the next stage in my life required me to fess-up. But I couldn't! I had made an ironclad discision to never reveal it, and I wasn't about to change my mind. So the weakest admissin i tried was that "I have a hard time on off shabbasim. between the trip home, and newspapers/circulars lying around the house..." But he didn't think that was enough of a reason to justify the issue we where discussing. So i has no choice, "No rebbe, normal bachurim.....when they fall and stuff.... they fall this low [motion with hand to shoulder level]. when I fall....hesitand blush.....i fall this low [motion to knee height]" He looked at me crosseyed, not exactly shure to make of the distance between my hand and the floor, in practical terms.
So i had no choice, I to a sip from the cup infront of me, and offered him one too, but he was interested in nothing but the confession which was apparent that I would make. I mentioned the gemara of "hagadol mechaveiro, Yitzro Gadol heimenu, and that sot so good bachurim watch 'not kosher' movies and....."I couldn't get the words out. "Internet...my voice was cracking and quivering, and I was on the verge of tears" I took a deep breath, looked away from my rebbe, stared hard at the floor, and I realised that I would say it, now...once and for all. But he saved me the effort, it was obvios enough. "You look at p--n----phy..."the words burnt through me, i merely nodded, utterly ashamed.
My rebbe though I was a nebach, breaking down with the confession of a rare and shortlived aveira. SO he comforted me that i wasn't the worst guy on earth, and shure it's a bad thing, but you don't have to break into tears. It wasn't going to be as easy as I thought. I realised that I'm gonna have to convince him I'm am absolutely addicted to p***. But once the conversationed was started, I had to come-out fully, once and for all. I was definitely NOT interested in doing this again! he gave the opening "when was the last time you watched it?" i don't know what he was expecting, but definitely not this. "the last time I was home for an off-shabbos" So he's thiniking 'big whoop' "And the time before that i spent three whole days glued to the computer.....untill i got TIRED of it....." i was already utterly ashamed, so I didn't mind clarifying the sittuation and more. "I used to be 'a junkie', then i came to this yeshiva, and lost internet access. But when i got a 'smartphone' I would watch every time i went to the bathroom" His face was changing colors and expressions. "then i hit rock bottom in the middle of first year beis medrash, and started to turn around. I found a book 'The magic touch by Gila ? Mandelson' and found out about the concepts of shomer negiah and girlfreinds being assur. So i checked up the igros Moshe, and learnet that assur meant Yehareig velo Ya'avor. that's when, and why, I started being shomer einayim. My addiction lessened over the years in yeshiva (as i got over my depression), but i am addicted, fully."
He was blown off his feet. his top bachur who can spend days in a house with girls his age, and not know what they look like!!! is addicted to watching the most graphic n***ity available! he knew everything about me, my life, inside out...exept for this. With all the neccesary information i then asked him for the area of hadracha that had brought us there.
I didn't leave there, i needed the comfort and loving suopport of being in my rebbe's presence (he is like a father to me), he walked out. And i just sat there dazed, mortified, and overcome with a feeling that I had never experienced so powrfully before. Shame.
When Yosef hatzadik told his brothers Ani Yosef. the medrash tanchuma goes into lench describing the vikuach between him and yehuda. He treid everything short of revealing his identity, to stop yehuda from masacreing mitzrayim. Yosef in his middah, couldn't bear Embarrasment, so he treid any argument to save his brothers from the busha of learning his identity. but Yehudah in his midah will not be stopped, no matter how embarrased! But when he said ANI YOSEF, the couldn't bear to stand before him!! The very yehudah that the malachei hashareis said 'let us go watch the SHOR [ox/ yosef] do battle with the ARI [lion/ yehuda]. Could no longer approach him!! "Ki Nivhalu Mipanav"! SO too hakadosh baruch hu will tell every one of us, Ani yosef. and we will be utterly shamed! I felt a taste of that shame! My rebbe Muvhak, who i am so close too, who veiws me so highly, saw my discrase, i didn't know what he would think of me.
The feeling didn't leave me. I davened maariv from a lev nishbar, but it wasn't enough. there was something i needed to do. So i drove to an empty beis medrash, and locked the doors. What does a yid do when he douedsn't know where to turn? Tehilim! I stud at the amud, and started Ashrei haish asher lo halach... kepitel 1. I had no plan, how much to finish. I merely read, and cried. With every word my tears became sobbs, and my sobbs became weaping. i had never cried like that in my life. I cried so hard i couldn't read. 'Nehi, bechi tamrurim'. I davened only the first 20 tehilim, but i was wiped. I felt as if I had no more tears left. Then the rambam hilchos teshuva came to mind. and I had charatah, was misvadeh, and made a kaballah leatid. But I had NO idea how to stop??? Then I found this site a few days later, and between surfing **** and reading the stories, i decided to post mine. (mod. kindly coppied it from the forum on a different site- no anon. email yet). the feelings it dug-up where so powerfull, that I had the ability to make a change. But the full magnitude of my situatuon never hit me....untill i read my own story (which I could easily relate to-duh). That's when i started to change. 2 weeks then on-off for a week, and then 7 months strait no hirhurim, touching down there, mz"l, or looking at women/girls lehainot, and only an occasional slip (b/c i was caught off-guard, or wasn't aware of my surroundings). true i didn't have internet access even if i wanted, but that zman let me "dry-out".
[mod. I owe you my life, my kesher to my rebbeim, my relationship with a future wife/children, ruchnius, gashmius, and biggest of all my Chelek leolam haba. I am crying writing this, and I hope to one day show you my hakaras hatov! ]
"In summation" the only way for me to have reached where i did was by fessing-up, and the shame involved. Do it, and it will give the emotional shake-up that it may take to break free. The more it hurts the more it can help.
