Hi, I'm single, 26 yrs. old. I have begun dating, and I have a question. I've stayed clean long enough--recently about 2 months (currently though just 19 days) --to think that I've got to continue dating at my age. But my question is this: I would like to marry someone quite attractive and, for me, that also means, curvy. How should I view this? A) Fine, a husband must be attracted to his wife, and that's what I find attractive. Or  That's a sickness! What difference does it make how big certain body parts are! This question recently had actual ramifications- I was dating a pretty girl who was just super skinny, and I ended it after 3 dates (and emotional turmoil) because I really wanted someone curvier. Did I make the right decision? As an aside it happens to be that I'm somewhat tall/handsome...not sure if that matters. What do you think?

Welcome. Do you have a Rebbi or a mentor that you can ask?

I think gye should only allow handsome guys to become members

All other should be banned

They should go on diet, start exercising, get some plastic surgery, and by the time they're done their addiction will be gone too

But you didn't tell me - what do you think is the answer to your question?

Markz wrote on 25 Nov 2016 02:41:

You keep tryin' to get rid of me!

I am not a Rabbi.

But in your position, I would seek out a woman who is curvy, because that is what you like.

I would also have to know that she may not be that shape forever, because she could lose or gain weight.

So I would definitely make sure there was an ease of conversation, shared values and shared goals from life too.

If your friend dropped a girl because she's not so good at math, what would you tell him?

ezrimhashem wrote on 25 Nov 2016 01:58:


Tough question. It depends on how much this is sormthing you absolutely think you need vs just something you like, but you have to remember that anything that you set as a need can come at a cost. If you need a girl who has xyz chances are that something else will have to give, and sometimes it can be values or something important.

I think IMHO it's legitimate to want what you're attracted to bc at the end of the day, that is a reality. How much you should be flexible about it is probably a practical question.

I second the motion that you seek a rebbi's or mentor's advice. What I was told by me rebbi, for what it's worth, is that it is important that you are attracted to your wife. I don't think attraction is the same thing as lust. Perhaps this depends on whether you are an addict?

That being said, he continued, and explained that being attracted to your wife does not mean you think she is the prettiest girl you have ever met. It means, that you can look at her and find her attractive in your eyes.

I can't believe that people are asking, offering, and possibly taking dating advice from an anonymous forum. It's one thing if someone had been here a while and gets to know the others...

Might be a good idea to listen to the following talk by Rabbi Shafier;

drive.google.com/file/d/0ByoYeCGxfpcGalE0b1NVRVB5SVk/view?usp=drivesdk

Thank you all for your replies! It seems like there are differing views, which is fine, shiv'im panim la'torah, I will need to think about some of the replies and follow through on some of the suggestions, bs"d, and go from there. Also, those who pointed out that I should seek more personal advice, I will certainly do that...someone with whom I spoke, though, actually suggested I post to a forum to see what the group wisdom had to say. Thanks!

Sort of...but it's a little hard to say to my Rosh Yeshiva "I like big _ ...what should I do?" I have  said that I'm not sure b/c I didn't feel so attracted, and he said that I should be attracted and that people are attracted to different things (almost like he read my mind).

This is a topic that is very much on my mind right now, as I am preparing for a trip next weekend to another city for a repeat visit to a woman I met on a matchmaking site.  (I am a never married man in his mid forties, for the record.)  I have been in communication with her for about seven months, and met her in person for the first time in late June.  Since then, I have gone to her city twice, and she and I have maintained phone and email contact throughout this time.  We have established a friendship, but nothing romantic has developed, at least as of yet.  I am under pressure from people I know to turn things up a notch, but I am not eager to take her beyond what she might be ready for.  If anyone has advice for me to view within the week, I will check it out.

ezrimhashem wrote on 27 Nov 2016 19:33:

Unless you also told him that you have a history of watching porn and masturbating (just a guess), I would say that he may have answered differently had he known all the facts.
Maybe not, but maybe yes.