Hi 
I need help fast!! I had a very stressful last 2 months and I'm dying to fall bad. I want to do something that I've never done and never ever thought that I would end up doing!! I'm batteling with myself all day yesterday and don't have strength anymore to fight. 
Can someone out there please give me chizuk. I feel so hopeless and so alone. Also have depression and anxiety and was abused emotionally and sexually as a child and had so many triggers the last few weeks that I'm totally wiped out....
please please help me!!!!

Okay, Tell us what's been going down these last 2 months? Maybe letting it out will soften its intensity.
As the addiction is progressive, it's not bizarre to want to do something you've never done. Believe me.
You're fighting a good fight. But a better fight is not to fight. Look for Dov quotes. He's big on this. A cancer patient, no matter how many good intentions, cannot "will" his way out of it. (I know colloquially you'd say "fight the cancer" but it's an incorrect terminology). You need treatment. And you can't give that to yourself. So let go of the fight; it's not worth it. Relinquish control. NOW! You say you're desperate. There's no time. IMMEDIATELY! Seek out help. Find an SA meeting close to you. Don't rationalise any excuses. And MOST of all, admit this disease. And tell G-d that you're done fighting. Verbalise (VERBALISE - "Hashem, I'm powerless against this. Please help me!"). I first consciously did that today actually, and immediately felt a wave of calm. It's an ego thing. You first need to break it.
2 months is massive long! I am trying with all my strength (and lack of strength) to get there again. Keep it up! But don't think of the past. Just try to get through this one day. Just these next few minutes. Don't let the past corrupt the present. Abuse, depression. Unless it's unmanageable, then you need medication or proper treatment. But Hashem has endowed you with the beautiful gift of free will, and you're exercising it so well. 
Hope it helps. Here's rooting for you! Woohoo!

Don't know if this will help, but trust me, if you fall you'll feel even worse.... doesn't pay off at all!!!

Keep trucking brother!

butterfly wrote on 01 Nov 2016 12:30:

I'm sorry to hear that - truly!

I know this may sound strange but your "feeling so alone" is something many of us share, and is where you may find some real light out of the tunnel if you try dig your way out of this

How?

I leave that to you

You know what to do. You have butterfly wings 

Hey brother, first of all, I applaud your honesty in sharing your struggles with us on this forum; it's not only brave, but mentchlich. The very fact that your yetzer hara wasn't able to take hold of you and that you were able to take the two minutes it probably took you to write this topic post away from potentially watching inappropriate material or acting out on it should prove to you that you do have the strength. ​I suggest listening to Dov's 12 step workshop in the audio library. Dov is amazing and not only can give you a chizzuk, but also change your perspective on this struggle. Having listened to a few of his workshops myself, all I can say is to talk to G-d. Tell him your struggles, tell him that you can't fight anymore, that you give up, and accept that only Hashem can save you from this horrible taava. Hatzlacha, please feel free to reach out to me if you need anything.

Butterfly,

Welcome

How are you today?
 have you been struggling before the past two months?
Has the above been your only post?
It seems that some fellows here know you intimately and are able to give much better advice than me.

B'hatzlachah to you on all that you're going thru.