Good morning to all my friends here on GYE,
I must start my day by posting something here, because I feel that this is one of the actions that keep me on the track.
Although I do not have an urge to go and surf on some sites I know too well, I have a strong feeling - just behind my head - that if I only release the tension and the attention I give to recovery slightly - I will fall back in no time.
The idea of 'allergy' to lust is helpful for me at this moment. I know that it is dangerous for me, no matter what the quantity or quality - so I must keep away from it. Just as I'd keep away from Nutella if I was allergic to nuts (God forbid!!! - I just love Nutella!)

Anyway, I have so much to tell about...
I had this life changing experience yesterday evening - I attended my first SA meeting.
I am still trying to analyze exactly how this makes me feel and how it will influence me.
This introspection by itself is a new experience for me. I see now that I am crippled.
I have a great difficulty to express my emotions even to myself, and feel almost incapable of exteriorizing anything, but negative energies. 
Yeah, I can get quite expressive when I am mad at something or someone... But then I realize that this is just an expression of being mad at my own self. 

OK, so let's stay focused for a second, SA meeting.

I met my sponsor (for the first time) a few minutes before the meeting and we had a very nice chat - I felt I could be completely open and speak about my addiction, what I did, everything... And somehow, I felt comfortable to share. That was a great introduction. And then I entered the room, slowly filling up with guys, normal guys, nice people, all smiling and apparently very happy to be here. You know, just some friends gathering for a common activity that they like, appreciating the time together.
Everyone smiled at me, welcomed me heartily, made me feel really comfortable and already part of the group.
Then we had the introductions. These nice guys spoke easily, without any decorum or pathos, about their past and present issues. And I realized that it is possible to speak about being a sexaholic. It is not that we are normalizing the thing.
The tone was not - "SO, I am a sexaholic, so what?! Sue me!!!", not at all.
It was entirely on the level of - I realize that I am sick and that I need help. We found out that being together, members of the fellowship is a great way to support the healing process. Many good people have gone through similar issues in the past and have designed a process that will help us overcome our illness and start living again as God intended us to live, as WE want to live. Let’s learn from them, implement the process, support each other and learn how it is to be free.
No guilt, not (too much) self pitying, no judgment. Acceptance, openness, care and love. Of myself and of others.
I looked around and I told myself that, yes, I belong here. Although these guys are all different, certainly very different from me for the most of them. But we have in common a fundamental thing that is really part of what defines me as being me. 
In another context, I would have been very judgmental of them. And realizing that makes me despise myself. How can I? On what base?! And then I realize that this is also part of the symptoms of my illness. I am in general very judgmental of others and that is a sure sign that I need help - help from all those that I just dismissed as being not enough this or too much that.
Well, the fact that I am able now to write these things here, and share them with the world (here it's safe... but I will share them also with my sponsor and IYH with my new friends, in the real world) is a sign of a starting recovery process, or so I want to believe.
So yes, I am sick - but I take care of myself! I am taking real very tangible steps in order to cure this illness and become a better person, an healthy member of the community, a good husband, a better father, son, brother, friend, employee... 
A Ben Adam, finally.
I felt so much care and warmth in the welcome messages each one of the attendees addressed to me that I had to speak also. And I did just that. Hesitantly, searching for my words, I tried to convey a simple message: I am grateful to all of you guys for accepting me here among you. 

The meeting went on and was over in no time. The hour passed so fast I found myself out of the door, chatting with the guys, exchanging phone numbers, and then... I was alone behind the wheel of my car, driving back home.

I am lucky because I have to drive a bit over an hour to get back home - and that was the perfect occasion to try and take all this in, digest the experience. Slowly realize that all this was for real. It was really me sitting there and speaking those words that never passed my lips before, speaking almost openly about what really bothers me in my life with fellow men that understood me. I did not just witness an ethnologic experience or so a documentary about I don't know what. I am part of this - and this feels good because this feels real. I can connect, I can start breaking the walls I have built over the years, sealing my heart from the outside. Brick by brick, I shall dismantle all until my heart is free again, exposed to the bright sunlight, the running blue water and the green valleys. And then, only then, will it be able to expand and grow, receive and give love and tenderness. Then, I hope, I will be able - for the first time in my life - to really make love.
There is a lot of work ahead, but the goal is definitely worth it! And I intend to enjoy each step on the way!!!

Hazak Veematz!

Benjamin

Hello dear brothers,

הודו לשם כי טוב כי לעולם חסדו

I’d like to share gratitude to Hashem and to all of you. Not so long ago, I felt totally beaten, hopeless, and depressed. After four years of;

- so called רוחניות therapy to learn how to fight my yetzer haro

- paying thousands of dollars for mashpiyim

- countless discussions with my wife trying to convince both of us that my acting out is part of history

- thousands of טבילות in mikvah

- buckets of tears during davening

- not having contact whatsoever with any women

- not watching a single movie

after four years of that I found myself out there again, back to square one, or should I say square zero because this time I crossed lines I never have before.

God could and would if He was sought, and today I’m a living example of just that, I joined SA because that was my very last straw of hope but I didn’t really think it’ll work for me, the longer I was going to meetings and still acting out the more convinced I became that I’m beyond repair, I’m a defected product, there’s no hope for me and sooner or later I’ll jump off some bridge and get out of this miserable mess of a life. Everyone in SA was talking about prayer and how they felt connected and that God listens but I didn’t even have the willingness to pray so why would god care…

And then the miracle happened.

After one meeting a member said to me “forget about praying – just ask”, these words for some reason made sense and I started doing just that, asking god to “please give me the willingness to get sober” – that’s all I did besides going to meetings, twice a day I’d ask for willingness.

Without getting into all the details, God gave me the willingness, I got a sponsor, started working the steps, daily readings, daily phone calls, daily praying – yes praying  , and believe it or not (I don’t), I made it to 90 days without acting out!!! Yes I’m still an addict, and yes I still feel like giving up some days, but I got so many blessings in my life, I now know my place, my life finally makes some sense, I feel hope, I don’t beat myself up anymore,  I can be honest with my wife about my hardships, my marriage is in a better place than ever before (even without sex 8 times a week), my kids feel that taty is there for them, and so much more, I’ll never finish writing if I list them all.

All I can say is THANK YOU!!! Thank you Hashem, and thank you all dear brothers for being there for me when I wasn’t even there for myself. Nothing more to say.