Sholom to the oilam of fellow strugglers (and many genuine Baalei Teshuvah [I mean to say those sober for an extended period of time]),
What are the reasons for us to grap the drug (of our choice)? Except for dopamine and the whole neuron highway we created for ourselves I wonder what is it that causes us to go back to the same dope over and over again. When I just became a Geir I imagined that I was the biggest Tzaddik in the world. Now (15 years later) I even doubt if I will ever be zoiche to Oilom Habo. Of course I hear you all sighing ("Reb Yid, Ameich Kulom Tzaddikim!") don't be depressed.
Let me start from a difficult angle, namely: Why do we look at the past with a nostalgia (i this the right word? My English is not mother-tongue level) which is unsurpassed. Almost wishing to live in the past while the present has so much to give us. In other words. When I became Jewish I thought to live the first twenty years of my life behind me and start totally anew. What I found out was the truth, is that I took a bit part of that Goy with me. And now that I am a father of Bli Ayin Horah seven children and more-or-less happily married ( and that part which is unhappy results usually from self-doubt and maybe 10% from my wife's issues), I see that I am almost idolizing the past which I knew to be my youth.
I need to hear the music of those days and to see the movies of that past. Somehow that past is so alluring, and even with that all I know that in many respects I reached now what I dreamed of than.
When it comes to my p*rn addiction it is similar. It is mainly based on a few isolated moments from my distant past around which I build a fetish and being forever involved in reliving that experience.
What has to happen for the Torah Hakedosha to have a similar impact on me? What can we do to make the words of the Akeydah or Shnaym Oichzim beTallis into a nostalgia?
I could say, even though I wasted many hours and days of my life on the addiction, I did learn a fair share. Unfortunately I never came to enjoy it as much as a seasoned Avreich which devours his Gemorreh. I guess this is what the Sefoirim HaKedoishim say means that a person addicted to lust and acting upon it loses his ardour for the real taste of Toirah.
In yet other words to break through that barrier, where learning becomes as pleasureable as acting out is a hurdle which I could never take. Event though occassionaly I taste it a bit.
I try to live with the principle of ODATT, (which is very difficult with this self proclaimed illness called perfectionism)
I am almost onto my fourth day of not acting out (longest streak in a year) May Hashem have Rachmanos on us and all Klal Yisroel.
