Shlomo24 wrote on 08 Apr 2016 04:54:
I can't even fathom what this situation would feel like if I was in it. I don't know how I would manage. That being said, something that has helped me in dealing with disturbing aspects of my life is the notion that other people are also sick. I don't mean sick in a bad way, sick like I am sick. I held people on such pedestals that when they didn't act accordingly it really affected my inner peace. My father is a very volatile person, I don't trust him at all. He can go from being really smooth and calm to uproariously anger in a matter if seconds. I am trying to view him as another sick person, to have rachmanus on him instead of anger and fear. He's also struggling.
Continuing on that theme, and this is actually my main point, is learning to "keep our side of the street clean." I have codependency up the wazoo and it is very hard for me not to "fix" others. My sponsor has told me, and I have heard countless times, that I have to do what is best for me. Not what is best for others, what is best for me. If I develop and become emotionally healthy, and I still want to help others, then I can. But not from a need-fulfilling place or if I want to come out looking good. It has to be completely about the other person. And even then, there are many situations in which I must sit back because involving myself would cause me and the other party stress.
Hatzlacha.
Yes, I relate to you completely, and this is a concept I have been trying to internalize for some time now. Besides homosexuality, my father has many other issues as well. The most affecting one is that he is a narcissist. I used to hate my father. Yes I said it. So much resentment for things he has done to me, my siblings, and my mother A'H. Especially once my mother passed away things spiraled out of control and I often found myself feeling angry and lost. I was so angry at my father for who he was and why he can't just look into a mirror and admit he is wrong and fix his ways. I was always dreaming of him turning over a new leaf and was consistently disappointed. But over time i have been trying to replace that anger with sympathy, which was hard but not only was it the smartest thing to do but it has at least some truth to it. How many people if shown what i do in private , would cast me as a complete fake and fraud? Even though im not saying im free from guilt, but they just wouldnt understand what my nisayon is. I try to say that about my father aas well. Instead of focusing on how bad he is and how terrible the situation is, i try to focus on how unfortunate he is and what i need to do and say in order to deal with the situation.
Countless times I tried to "fix the situation" and make him fix his ways. Now, I feel bad for him. By me seeing what I can do for him at least in this area, is not because I am trying to fix him, but perhaps i can alleviate his pain on the chance this pains him.
