Its been a while.....allow me to share with you the last 2 weeks.  The realization hit me I needed to take real action...come out of the shadows...If not now when????

Here is my story!

24 hours prior to my first meeting:

Like an alcoholic knowing he is heading into rehab....grabbing hold of my "last" lust fix.  Typing frantically on my Kik and WhatsApp accounts sexting with 2 and at times 3 different woman.  Sending pics woman 1 sent to me to woman 2 as if they came from me....brain has completely shut off...it is all about the lust...feed me more...my appetite knows no limits.

8 hours prior

After some careful planning and manipulating/arranging all family members out of the house (a lot tougher to do in the summer)....called my go to FWB....make sure to bring the boots I like....and the new outfit we picked out together online....

Editors note....I have done some "bad" things...but never had Intercourse with a woman that was not my wife.  Perhaps this last of the red lines allowed me to look at myself in the mirror....without complete revulsion....today I am ready to cross that line....

Dutifully she appears just on time...like a thief in the night slips in a side door....she can sense the hunger in my eyes....will spare the details....but by a miracle...my last remaining red line survives the morning....it was also the closest I had ever come to getting caught.

5 hours before

Inform my loving wife....who is the most kind giving person I know...that I have decided to go to an SA meeting....she can sense the shame/discomfort I feel....begs me not to go...says you don't need it...Oh if she only knew.....

2 hours before...

Watching the clock digitally inch closer and closer to 8 PM....feels like the noose is tightening around me..

I can just bag out of this...who will know?  I promise my self for the 1000th time I will stop.....the lust/ intensity of the past 24 hours even scared me....

45 min before.....

The final hour....know I have to leave by 730 to get there on time...plus I want to scope it out....feel like crying...I am not a crier....a tear wells up in the corner of my eye as my wife feels pity on me...one last time telling me don't go.  Oh I need to....I am in the middle of an ocean flailing my arms....there is no saving me with a life-boat others  (Dov) have talked about.

Is this life-boat just a mirage....could these people Dov discusses be a figment of his imagination????

7:50....Waze dutifully put me 10 minutes early....WAIT it's in a church....I am way too Jewish to step foot in a Church...they lead then inquisitions..I realize just another feeble attempt to flee....as every cell in my body is screaming run.....

7:52...more cars pull up....look like normal people....no signs of rapist, monsters, or child molesters I am sure to meet....

7:55....it's go or not go time....I came this far...and if I leave where do I go to?

7:57....2 more minutes of stalling have gotten me nowhere....brain....just pull the handle and walk the 40 steps....just do it...think of all the dark places we've walked together....this should be like a walk in the park.

8:00....Follow a woman into building....wow churches are not like shuls....at least not this one....where to go....downstairs?  A large room with chairs placed in a circle....a man comes over to me and asks....is this your first meeting with I reply yes.  Sit next to me...

8:04....meeting comes to order...We have a first timer with us and I am going to ask him to read the opening prayer....There was a small smattering of welcomes and saw the same excitement lubavitchers get when they put Tifflin on someone for the first time..I am in this strange alternative universe

8:05 The meeting begins with the moderator discussing everything that is said in this AA meeting must not be shared with others...wait did I hear that right....I am in an AA meeting...not an SA meeting....I wait for the man to finish and whisper into his ear....I am afraid I am in the wrong meeting....I awkwardly apologized to the group and wish them a successful meeting.

8:07.....back upstairs to the first floor....my car is so close...perhaps my wife was right...and now God showing me the way out...I tried to get help....didnt I learn somewhere you get some credit for that?

8:08. Paralyzed by indecision...I decide I will ask the next person if they know where the SA meeting is...if he/she says yes I go...if not sign I shouldn't be there.

8:09:  Middle aged man...looks like a plumber or a barber...friendly face....I meekly ask do you know where the SA meeting is?   Sure follow me.......

8:10  Sitting around a table are a group of very normal looking people.  Two Kippahs, a Asian man, 2 men older than me. 2 younger, a woman in a wheelchair...and my barber friend.

What happens stays within the walls of SA meeting.

Let me just share with you this was the greatest step forward taken in my 20+ years of my battle with lust.  I was in a warm welcoming environment, sharing my deepest flaws to a group of people that truly understood my struggle.  My heart broke for some sitting around the table...one man was caught by his wife and was in essence homeless, another fired from his job, another was arrested for his activities, another with a sadness that can only be witnessed for all the harm he brought to his family.....But there was also a sense of hope and brotherhood as strangers and friends shared their darkest troubles and were lifted by the man to their right and left.  This group welcomed me with open arms...encouraged me to return, gave me their cell numbers if I needed someone to talk to.

My only regret of the evening was I didnt take this step 20 years ago...was it my ego, pride, fear of being recognized...probably a combination of the three.

When I left my first meeting I saw one of the participants of the meeting (a woman in a wheelchair) being picked up by an access a ride.  I thought to myself this woman is a para-palegic and I can only imagine the struggles it took her to get to the meeting.  Right there all my excuses of being too busy with patients, family, community flew out the window.  I need to get on this lifeboat.  NOW!

One week after first meeting:

Watching the clock in my office...trying to finish my clinical notes.  Tell my assistant we need to hurry I have an important meeting i have to get to.

8:05....welcoming the new new guy and sharing with the group my best week I can remember.

If you have struggled with lust and feel helpless in an endless cycle of starting and stopping...whatever manifestation the lust presents itself....you can not win this battle alone...join me on this Life Boat...it is no mirage....I am happy to walk in with you to your first meeting.  Feel a sense of comfort this Elul....standing there I can tell God...I took a huge step forward....heal me and help me overcome this sickness!

Thank you Dov for all of the encouragement...I would not have made this step without you!  I have taken the first few steps of what will be a long journey.  There is a fulfillment knowing I am heading in the right direction with a brotherhood of people traveling together to overcome/battle this flaw/sickness.

Gmar Tov To All

Nachshon (Aaron)