To have a goal to "stay clean" could be setting yourself up for failure, but if you say that your goal is to do everything in your power to stay clean, that might be a little better for yourself.  I say this because if the focus is on doing everything in your power to stay clean, then G-d forbid if you should fall, you can then ask yourself, "Did I do everything in my power to stay clean?",  "Could I have done anything differently?"... the questions after word might be more constructive.

In contrast, if you say that you will stay clean, and then G-d forbid, you should fall, then it is very easy to fall into negative, shaming types of thoughts because we failed...

I have had that same reaction to heavy metal music.  Music has been shown over and over again to affect how we think and feel, so often times we need to guard the ears as well.  In my own life, I am going through my own collection of music because I find that some of the music that I have listened to and enjoyed falls either under the category of "Kol Isha" or that the lyrics reflect a perspective about courtship, love and relationships that is less than frum, giving a schmaltzy, at best view of "dating".  I know that some of those songs put me in a weakened mindset.

But to Dov's point, we can't always control what we hear -- I wish I could myself.  I am bombarded with either Heavy Metal or Hip-Hop music.  So when that happens, I either put on Classical music, or Yiddish folk songs. 

Thank you. I try not to listen the satanic music, because it really affects me. A lot of heavy matal is like this. It's not good. They know how to grab peoples attention. I would rather have music that praises HaShem. I like some immoral music that sings about women and sex as well. I am also trying not to listen or watch music videos that is triggering, but it is harder for me not to. 

shmuly

Thyroid disorders are usually easily treated, and not life threatening. 

hello every1
I almost had a fall last night because of the SSA.
Baruch HaShem, I did not fall, I told myself who cares if they are good looking. HaShem told us it was forbidden,  So I looked away after realizing this. Thank you Shmi for helping me through this.

 

hello everyone the other night I had a fall.
 I was overcome with lust and looked at a video chat website with random people.
The SSA is getting worse, I tried contacting relief but the  filter doesn't let the form go through.
I met with my life coach a month ago. My coach's sister passed away, and then his elderly mother went to the hospital. I used to go after after other kids, but my coach Jim  has told me I have made a lot of progress. I am really feeling depressed. If I get accused, I may go to jail. I might as well end my life anyway. 
I don't care anymore. Mom said that Hashem is testing me by not letting Jim to have enough time to get me in. 

I am really hoping if I meet with Jim on tuesday. He can find a doctor who can get on me on a medicine to calm my drive.
I was on 6 meds with another doctor. they did nothing. I really don't want meds. But if I accused because I
am not on meds. It will ruin me.

I am so sorry about the long depressing rant.
Good Shabbos, and Chag Peash Sameach( I think?)

Shmuly
 

That sounds really tough.

You're not going to b able to talk to any gye guys over yomtov.

Try talking to Hashem.


Have a good yomtov
 

Shmuly,
      I think just the fact that you are on the side of good..someone who acknowledges a weakness and fights it, is admirable.  Many people in your situation don't care, but you do, so it shows that you have heart. 
     I wouldn't dwell on possibilities, except to maybe be constructive about it to consider how you would feel and what you would do. 



 

Ina and Meyer, is He mad at me?
when I was under 18, I got in trouble with a couple of 10 year olds. big mistake.
the teens around my neighborhood just talk about sex constantly.
 And I would rather hang out with younger kids, because I do not feel safe.

I have always had a safety problem. When I do not feel safe,  I  use my safe spot as a excuse.
I started going to life coaching, because  I was on a USY trip and they teemed up with younger kids. This boy asked me a embarrassing question, and I touched myself because he made me nervous and I was feeling unsafe.

I look back at all the kids I hurt , and I really want to cry. I just want this SSA struggle to end. I just want to find a nice Jewish girl and get married and raise a family.

When I was younger, I was always helping neighbors sweep and rake, and clean, etc.
Yaakov, has told me I have a great soul. I am slowly believing that I do have one,but I am raelly depressed that I would stoop so low as to hurt people.

shmuly

When I look back to what I did under the influence of lust there a few things that I'm really ashamed of.

Part of the 12 steps is to make amends to the people we've harmed. It isn't always possible to do so.

I think that fixing ourselves may be the best way to make amends. Making sure we never do something like that again and helping each other is at least the beginning of saying sorry.

Also doing something out of lust doesn't make you a bad person. It's definitely a flaw but we all have flaws. People aren't good or bad, we're all a mizture of both. It's what direction we're going that defines us.

As far as if Hashem is angry at you or not, I have no clue. He hasn't spoken to me in a while.

I was reminded of a famous line from the movie Mommie Dearest:
"I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at the dirt."


I think we all have our tendencies which helped to lead us down the path we went down.  If I remember correctly, you have Asperger's syndrome, and I know that one of the traits is an ability to relate to younger or older people but not ones own age group.

So it was probably very natural for you to gravitate to these younger children.  But now you have the insight and the realization that what you do affects these young children, and instead of not caring, you are in the fight to do the right thing. 

I don't think Hashem is mad at you, he's mad at the dirt.  Not quite a perfect analogy I know. 
 

I do have aspergers. I just feel safer around younger kids. I know that if  I get in trouble with them. Game over. many times  I have thought of paying teens . I have OCD as well. And of course meds don't really help me much. When I get a thought or urge, I must act out on it. Baruch Hshem no teens have offered or been asked yet. I feel like I may do something stupid and rash.
 I am ready to try a medicine for OCD.
Wish me luck. I know I can be strong. 
 
shmuly


 

I am curious if you have ever considered volunteering for the elderly. They are not in your age group, so you may feel safe, and you won't be tempted to do something that will get you into trouble.

Plus, you will be doing a good thing, and so you may find yourself too busy and concerned about some new friends to find yourself thinking about shmutz.

MeyerLemon wrote on 26 Apr 2016 23:50:

I suppose I could help my parents more. My dad is a FedEx courier, and he has to have right rotatory cuff surgery May 2nd. So I will have to help out around the house. I wish I had siblings. ( they could do everything. lol) but all joking aside.
I am ready to stay safe. All it takes is me getting nervous and It could be game over for me. 
Please daven that I will not do anything rash or stupid before we make Aliyah.