Hello all,

After some weeks of sobriety, and 2 weeks of a big struggle... my Tapshic ended saturday night.
And I got a BIG crash yesterday afternoon, with p**n and other things.

Here now, I feel depressed and it's not easy to go ahead ...
I wanted to stop yesterday but I was falling again and again. It was only in the  evening that I could say to stop to the yester !

After a cold analysis, I note 3 mistakes that led me to the fall :
- I have left a tiny flaw in the filter of my smartphone, but I didn't have the correct rigor to correct it quickly, and I left it for weeks thinking that it was not so grave.
- I have left my smartphone next to me during a little nap because I wanted to read a bit. But it was enough to take a book ! And I was aware that the situation was tendious. This and the precedent have done the falling.
- I didn't have my Tapshic renewed at time, I tried to did it in the morning but quickly the yester attacked me so hard that I dropped. Oy voy


What I see now, although I thought that I could start to control my addiction, it was a fault, the addiction remains relentless and uncontrollable, pushing me if I do not have barriers to do things more and more terrible !

I even looked to p**rn on my phone with my children not far away, a thing that I told myself that I will never do this, I was so crazy ...
I am not sure if my little girl of 15 days has not see briefly something when I closed my phone. This is very horrible, an horrible feeling to me.

So... last night I renewed my TaPHSiC for a very long period, I corrected the flaw of the filter, I was going to pray netz this morning, I opened my heart to Hashem, but I am afraid and my mind is confused...

I juste hope to finally make a new start today

Welcome. I am sure there are those that have what to say about this.

Shlomo, our friend isn't a newcomer, so feel comfortable to express what you wish

I swear we spoke about Taphsic recently...

David26fr your actions have thrown you off emotionally so you are not comfortable in your own skin. As far as being confused?  On the contrary, you are quite clear about what happened and taking proper precautions.
When you return to the lustful ways of the past like you did, it is sure natural to feel uneasy to approach Hashem.
It is then when you need Hashem the most. To pray to him, head bowed  saying your deepest and honest feelings such as: "I am embarrassed to approach you 'cause of what I did yesterday... "
Just let it all out.
Stay with the program and keep on tweaking.

You will make it my friend.
 

Sorry to hear about your fall.
Nice to hear about your analysis and your strength.
I know from experience that after each time I had an extended period of sobriety and then I fell, I knew that the next time, I must add a tool or do somethin' stronger. Do you find that to be true?

The book says: insanity means doin' somethin' over and over again, and expectin' different results.

B'hatzlachah

David26fr wrote on 07 Mar 2016 17:42:

Sorry to hear about your fall David. It's great that you're giving it a post-mortem, not just sweeping it under the carpet.

Personally I fell while on GYE many many times and after each time I thought about what went wrong and came up with a new plan so it wouldn't happen again. Eventually I found these plans very restrictive and punitive.

The thing is this. Plenty of people have filters but are unaware of any tiny holes. Plenty of people keep their phones next to their beds but don't use them for porn. Plenty of people have no taphsic shevuos but don't act out. Is it possible that there's something more fundamental that needs to be addressed?

Hey David!

I've got nothing to say other than my heart breaks for you and I hope and pray that you would get out of this.

Dear friends,

Your messages were a big support for me after my fall...
I was very busy at work and at home yesterday, so I couldn't answer to all your comforting messages until now.

So, as Watson said, the good point is I can analyzed my fall coldly, do a restrospective sight on it and on the triggers.
Also, I feel better now. Some pictures are holding my head, but the feeling of needing p**n is fading gradually. But I MUST stay vigilant.

In the past, after a fall, I was engaged for 1 or 2 weeks of "rollercoaster maniac" : fall, recover, fall, recover... And panic.
My falls are more intense (I can do 3 of 4 times of zera levatalah in one hour and I am like crazy), but more and more spaced, with many weeks of sobriety. Is I can say that am now on the good road ? I hope.

Watson, I don't know if there is something that I have to be addressed particularly, in addition to what I already do.
I have taken on me to be more vigilant about what I see and what I listen, what I read, and will always work on my emotions to stay "calm".

For a new thing, I am beginning to read the Fortify ebook, some pages by day in the evening, and this book is giving me some 'Hizuk.

Yiraishamaim, I prayed to Hachem and I asked him to accept me, to help me, and to remove this addiction of me...

I accept my fall even if it is very difficult, and I know that I have to continue and to work again.

David, you sound so much like me, this is like reading my thread again. I have good mind to sue for plagiarism!

Do you see any similarity in the mindset of some of my old posts, e.g.:
guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/206621-From-a-deep-pit-to-a-tall-roof?limit=15&start=75#210509 

While I'm having a quick read, here's one of my favourites, I literally laugh out loud at this one:

guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/206621-From-a-deep-pit-to-a-tall-roof?limit=15&start=45#208135

It's funny, I really believed it would work. The bit that gets me is "get through today as a healthy person", cos as we know, all healthy people keep stress balls with them at all times in case of emergency urges!

Nu, R' David, how's it going?

BTW I'd love to speak with you over the phone. You can private message me any time.

Was ill for a couple of days, better now

Indeed, your message was very similar to mine, I am agree
We are all sick peoples, and we don't want to accept it !
But we want anyway to recover, and this is important.

I am better now, a little more serene.

The last week was not very easy, there were the "nuclear fallouts" of the fall of sunday.
Also, I had a very very big argument with my wife on thursday morning (like no other since 6 years of marriage), caused by the tiredness and other things... (by the way, in the week after a fall, there is ALWAYS a big argument with my wife ! I use often this like a thing against addiction in a attack time)
So, the day was difficult, but I managed, after calling a partner, to stay sober.

Now, it is much calm, but there is always "flash" and a little image can be a very fast trigger. So, I do not sign that I will be still sober in X or Y days, but I am sober NOW and this is important

I am afraid that my english will not be enough fluent to speak by phone, but by mail or chat it could be possible !

Some news chaverim

So, the end of previous week was difficult, with many tension due to personal problems, and many difficult moments.

Friday was strange : a very difficult morning, but the attack faded away suddenly, and in the afternoon... a serenity like no one.

I managed to stay sober, until this morning when the pressure was too hard : after being suddenly awake since 3 nights with big envy to do it, thoughts even when I was davening, and my mind being crazy... Too too difficult.

So, I fell. But I am not in big panic like the other time because :
- I had a new attack this afternoon and I managed to say "no, this is enough"
- This fall happened after a big fight, and I am sure that was arrived at a point of nowhere . The precedent fall was evitable.

I know that I have to work on my nervosity, resistance on pressure... To make my brain stay calm and not invoking p*n, but others relaxing techniques.
A SA friend talked to me about meditation, working on breathing, and this helped him a lot.

I know what I have to do...

And what is that?

Learning to stay calm, to let Hachem doing his job...
Accepting the life like is it, the reality.
To be careful with my eyes.
And to find techniques to guard serenity under the storm.

A big program !