Hi

after relpase, i find it really hard to pray since i am so embaressed from Hashem.

Last time i relapsed, i missed minja beacuse i coudnt face H in the Amida.

i always talk with H on amida, but when i sin, i say to myself "how can i talk with H in amida now, if i relapsed only 30 minutes ago??  "  its so embarassing.

what do you guys recomend for this?

This may help

[quote="yechidah" post=29476 date="]Dear friends,

I saw in shul a copy of a letter,
Written by a Rebbe to one of his Chasidim,
I do not know which Rebbe it is,
The top of the page said “Mili D’Avos”
And it was written in Yiddish

Here is the nekudah of the letter,
For a Yid to go to the Mikvah before davening,
It is not a mitzvah,
But what Mikvah could bring to you,
Even the greatest Mitzvah cannot bring.

Same with Depression (Atzvus),
It is not a sin,
But the blocking of the heart,
That Depression can cause,
Even the greatest sins cannot cause.

Now there is a difference between Merirus (Bitterness) and Atzvus (Depression),
Merirus is a true broken heart,
Depression is something very different then that,
You fall there into a daze and a haze,
You cannot tolerate yourself,
You cannot tolerate others,
There is a heavy weight on your heart,
Cannot do anything.
Very sharp with yourself,
Even disgusted

Merirus is Proactive (versus Depression’s Reactive)
Does not let you sleep,
Into that deep slumber of Despair,
Just the opposite
Merirus jolts you into action,
You didn’t even start yet,
So seize the moment in Prayer,
Grab a minute for learning,
Rejoice in finding a friend,
And be happy to help him,
This is Merirus,
ProActive in that bitter state,
That ultimately leads to Simcha.

So after a Fall,
How do you know that you are experiencing
The Healthy Bitterness,
And not the Unhealthy Depression?

It’s what happens right after the fall.

Do you fall into lethargy,
Or do you spring up and proactively fight and fight,
To become a better person.

[/quote]

Keep on Trucking

I don't mean to sound repetitive but I can relate, I've been there. 

I was stuck in a shame cycle for a long time. Sometimes I would be so ashamed that the only thing that could make me feel better was acting out...

[quote="markz" post=276952 date=1454865074"]This may help

[quote="yechidah" post=29476 date="]Dear friends,

I saw in shul a copy of a letter,
Written by a Rebbe to one of his Chasidim,
I do not know which Rebbe it is,
The top of the page said “Mili D’Avos”
And it was written in Yiddish

Here is the nekudah of the letter,
For a Yid to go to the Mikvah before davening,
It is not a mitzvah,
But what Mikvah could bring to you,
Even the greatest Mitzvah cannot bring.

Same with Depression (Atzvus),
It is not a sin,
But the blocking of the heart,
That Depression can cause,
Even the greatest sins cannot cause.

Now there is a difference between Merirus (Bitterness) and Atzvus (Depression),
Merirus is a true broken heart,
Depression is something very different then that,
You fall there into a daze and a haze,
You cannot tolerate yourself,
You cannot tolerate others,
There is a heavy weight on your heart,
Cannot do anything.
Very sharp with yourself,
Even disgusted

Merirus is Proactive (versus Depression’s Reactive)
Does not let you sleep,
Into that deep slumber of Despair,
Just the opposite
Merirus jolts you into action,
You didn’t even start yet,
So seize the moment in Prayer,
Grab a minute for learning,
Rejoice in finding a friend,
And be happy to help him,
This is Merirus,
ProActive in that bitter state,
That ultimately leads to Simcha.

So after a Fall,
How do you know that you are experiencing
The Healthy Bitterness,
And not the Unhealthy Depression?

It’s what happens right after the fall.

Do you fall into lethargy,
Or do you spring up and proactively fight and fight,
To become a better person.

[/quote]

Keep on Trucking

It's from Reb Aron of Karlin Ztz"l The Bais Aharon
 [/quote]