I'm approaching my sixth month of soberness. BH, I've been clean for a while. But even when I'm clean, I think longingly back towards my previous days. I didn't watch anything; I read pornographic stories. The emotional high I got from those stories is something I haven't been able to duplicate, especially since I won't be be dating for a few years at least. What should I do? How can I stop subconsciously wishing I would fall?

Thanks.

Welcome to the secret se* club

Wow 6 months - care to share how you kept clean till now?

For today - Keep On Trucking!!

Welcome! It's great that you have been able to slow down for 6 months. I don't know how we can stop unconsciously, maybe others know. What worked for you to stop? You said you won't be dating for a few years at least. I'm in a similar situation.

ayymayd wrote:

Welcome! I can understand where you're coming from, as among other things I was into reading erotic stories as well. I believe however that you may be confusing an "emotional high" with a surge of Dopamine. Although you're reading about these romantic experiences and it seems like the "love" is just bursting out, in truth as I'm sure you've heard before this is not "love" at all. This is simply 2 people who are using each-other to give themselves pleasure, but in the world we live in this is mistaken for "love". You want truly have a deep emotional relationship with a woman? Bez"h you'll get married one day and you'll have it, but it's not about fulfilling our lustful desires (or at least shouldn't be. A lot of us married folks entered marriage with some of these skewed beliefs and that's in part why we're here!). As you yourself labeled these stories - "pornographic stories", they have the same affect as porn only without the images. It feels very good when you read them because it causes a surge of Dopamine (a chemical in the brain) which makes us feel really good. So you have a lust problem? Welcome to the club!

I understand that it's dopamine, it's chemical, and not true love. My issue addresses a different matter, that of replacing that emotional high. Whatever the source, the high feels wonderful, especially on a lonely, disappointing, or insecure day. What can I do to replace that feeling? When I'm feeling down, what can I use where these stories once filled the void?

"lonely, disappointing, or insecure day"

Is it possible to deal with these feelings, and start feeling good about yourself, instead of using a drug to drug the person that you're not

I'm not a pro, so I can't tell you how, but I just wanted to point that out...

Keep on TrucKing!

I don't have a lot to offer, I just want to share that I relate strongly. Therapy helped me a lot but at the end of the day im ayn ani li, mi li.

This morning I realized (again) that the term surrender also means that I give up my expectation/hope/right of having that excitement and that enjoyment. As Cordnoy says, sobriety can be scary because it's boring. So I surrendered that to Hashem, I gave it away, and He gave me back a feeling of satisfaction for taking another baby step to return to Him after the thousands of leaps and bounds I took running away from Him.

The very issue of replacing the emotional high in the first place might be something you want to think about. Why do you need an emotional high? Emotional highs are, by definition, empty substitutes for meaningful realities. They're bursts of emotional energy (dopamine, as was mentioned earlier) that require higher and higher levels of stimulation, eventually leading to thrill-seeking.

Addicts are given to this pattern of behavior. I know that I didn't see any meaningful progress until I sought a way of existing without dramatic ups and downs. When I first started with this recovery thing, every three days I'd be flying around on an emotional high, only to have that very high fizzle out and leave me despondent and white-knuckling, and eventually falling.

Mellowing out about EVERYTHING, not just lust addiction, is a really useful strategy, at least for me. Achieving emotional balance is integral to success here, and means, sometimes, staying away from things that stimulate us even in non-lustful ways.

ayymayd wrote:


I don't have the necessary experience to answer the question. But I think the first step towards recovery is to identify the beast by its name. I would doubt that the stories are really emotionally fulfilling. I would assume that images or no images, it's the same escape mechanism which most of use when the going gets rough. And yes, the reason we turn to this as an escape is because it just feels so good. So I think you first need to admit to yourself that "I have a lust problem" and then you can try to figure out how to deal with it.
I 2nd what Markz said, that in your case the most likely approach would seem to be building up your self esteem and feeling better about yourself overall so that you don't need this escape. Think of things you can do to fill in the void of down time. For me, actively participating in the forums here has been a huge help. It an enjoyable activity and I have the ability to both give and receive chizuk.
Hatzlacha!

BenTorah.BaalHabayis wrote:


This might be nitpicky or just semantics but it feels relevant to me to point out that this seems to be a contradiction. I agree with you it's important to identify the beast, but a lust problem is not the same thing as an escapism problem, IMHO.
If I'm just being pedantic, please ignore this post.

In terms of replacing then my feeling is that it's just going to be using a different drug. Recovery is not supposed to be about using, it's supposed to be about actually recovering I think. In my experience nothing can match the exhilaration better then lust so replacing probably won't work. I need God to keep me sober and help me realize that I won't die if I don't have lust. Whenever I feel struggles I can always turn to god and ask him to take it away if he wants to. Also I have a program of recovery that tells me the actions I should take when I feel like I'm in a pickle.