I will be attending a cousin's wedding on Sunday. I have come to really not look forward to weddings since the women are dressed to kill and it always becomes a huge struggle in shmiras einayim for me. And this wedding is not just any wedding - it's a posh wedding at one of the fanciest halls in NY and I'm sure the dress will be accordingly (it's a frum wedding and of course everyone will be dressed in "tznius", but you know what that means these days... ).
The truth is that even if I manage to force myself to keep my eyes down the whole time, the tremendous struggle is enough to sap any enjoyment from the simcha. What should I do? How do I enjoy the simcha without lusting?

Get to the buffet early, load up on great food, and then go sit by the choson's tish and drink scotch, aimlessly look at your phone, and then go take a nap in your car. So basically, what I'm saying is that if you're actually really behaving and trying not to put yourself in unnecessary nisyonos (which I can't say that I usually do but have done many times), then it's hard to enjoy.

BenTorah.BaalHabayis wrote:


See this recent thread HERE where the following great notes were mentioned

gibbor120 wrote:


cordnoy wrote:

I feel for you. I find weddings with "frum" women can be more triggering than lots of other stuff.

Try to minimize nisyonos. Find a good friend to shmooze with. Call or text one of us . Try to stay busy with things that are positive so you don't have time to worry about your eyes.

If you are standing around where the women are and you are alone worrying about not looking - you will have a lot of trouble.

Say a tefillah before and during, but don't overly obsess about the struggle since that can also be bad.

Let us know how it goes. Knowing that you will report here afterwards can be good motivation to succeed.

Hatzlacha, and MAZAL TOV

Markz, thanks for the link to the other thread. I don't care WHY they dress the way they do. I think the more relevant post was Cords other post there:


The thing is, these strategies are ways to help me win the battle. But it's the battle itself which is so stressful and makes me not enjoy the simcha. I think I need to remind myself of this exact point - I don't WANT to look because I'm just going to end up battleworn.

I just got back from the wedding a short while ago. I'm exhausted (it's past 3am) but as Gibor suggested I want to post an update and some reflections.

Baruch Hashem I think I can say I left that wedding relatively unscathed. I did see many beautifully dressed women, and this was almost impossible to avoid. In fact, the elevator going up to the chuppah /ballroom was filled to capacity with both men and women and I found my face about an inch away from a gorgeous woman who squeezed in. (Something really felt wrong about that. I just gazed up at the ceiling and held my breath through my nose per the halacha of not smelling an erva's perfume). However, I kept telling myself that there's a difference between seeing and looking and that as long as I wasn't taking a "2nd look" then I'm not doing anything wrong.

And as far as I what I just "seeing" I tried to focus on the simcha and not let it bother me. I can't say I was 100% successful on that count, but I was definitely much better off than I've been in the past. I actually had a good time overall and didn't leave feeling bitter and battleworn. The real challenge will be to see what kind of thoughts I think about when I go to bed shortly and over the following few nights.

Wow! I'm just blown away that not only did you handle challenge, but you had a good time! Focused on the solution, not the problem. Now that's real chizuk for me. Nice work in the elevator. Best for me is that you came home at 3am and kept your agreement to post how it went. Obviously "H loves you. How could He not?

Thanks for the encouragement, 1daat.

I'm still feeling a little bit the after affect of the wedding. I've found in the past that when I'm fresh after viewing porn then my mind thinks about those images a lot, especially when I go to sleep. Overtime the images slowly fade until I can't really use them to be aroused. (Sometimes I actually wanted to view porn simply for the purpose refreshing these images, as terrible as that sounds.)
My concern with this wedding was that it would feed my mind with fresh images to lust over. Since I didn't actually "look" at the women I thankfully don't have any vivid or detailed images to think about, but just seeing so many gorgeous women I feel has affect me. I've been feeling more easily triggered today. :-(

BenTorah.BaalHabayis wrote:


This is so true.
It's like the play button in my head is broken.
I press play and I get static.
no names, no faces, no nothing!

Perhaps we should go back to that laser tag wall and recharge our weapons.

Yes, not drinking in images is extremely important. I would often look, and then fantasize later about it. If I don't look, it makes it much easier. I tell myself "I cannot afford to look because it will haunt me later".

BenTorah.BaalHabayis wrote:


I think it's important we don't get tied into a knot with so much worry that we might fantasize we might fall. It's feeding the addiction. My advice would be to get on with life, and ask hashem to keep you're thoughts clean. If you fall you fall. We are not in control.

I totally agree with these posts. I acted out with two guys in the summer and the worst part was the fact that the images and feelings kept coming back. It was crazy intense. B"h they have lessened since then but it hits me now and then. I had like aftershock from it, one guy was wearing cologne and after that for the next short while the smell of cologne got me all fuzzled and mixed up inside. (On a side note I claim copyright of the word fuzzled).